Looking for Different Options

We've been having a relatively good weekend enjoying each others company and friends before the wave of surgical interventions and chemo start.

Up until now.

Breakdown again. After I've made my mind of when and where to cut my hair, came to my knowledge that the person is on holiday so won't be able to do my hair until the 15th - and that's exactly when my chemo starts. Because I want to cut it short before I start, I'm now back to square one and need to choose a new hairdresser.

If any of you know a good one that will be patient enough and does it at home or does home visits, please let me know - I want to avoid public hairdressers in case I cry.

I know it's stupid to cry knowing that there's hundreds of hairdressers I could go to, but because it was my plan and I set my mind to it - and the hormones don't help - my emotions took the power over me, felt my disappointment and poor M had to deal - once again - with my tears. (It didn't last long because he always makes me smile through my irrational moments) 

Tomorrow is the first ultrasound to see if my ovaries are behaving... We hope so.

Ps. I've been having pretty bad mood swings and sometimes don't feel like talking or writing, so I might only post every couple of days if I don't feel up to it.

P.x

Bingo!

Today was a good day.

Although my nights have been a bit restless, I've managed to sleep until 10am (woke up several times overnight and stayed awake for a good hour trying to sleep again) always with weird dreams that make no sense when I wake up. I blame my brain that is clearly more stressed that it shows on the outside.
I feel calm (most of the time) and I'm very impressed with my calmness, but clearly I'm keeping a lot to myself too.

Felt with a lot of strength and motivated today so done a bit of cleaning and ironing (need to keep on top of it for the next couple of weeks... or I could just leave it to my mum. Haha that's what mum's are for!) then felt tired coming to the end of the day, but still made myself put some clothes and makeup on to go Bingo with the girls.

And guess what? Beginners luck over here!! It wasn't a huge amount but it was a win... and I've been needing some wins in life. And now I'm definitely going back to play bingo and I bet I won't win again! Because life is a bitch! (Sometimes!)

"To be fully alive, fully human and completely awake is to be continually thrown out of the nest."

P.x

Hormones Kick In

Just an update... I've got a huge headache!

Not enjoying this hormones situation. Kids are suppose to give headaches after, not before being even conceived (lol).
Oncology appointment went well yesterday. The doctor agrees with the date to start chemo and that was such a relief! The only little thing that came up on my CT scan was a small lymph node on my neck, and just because it was the same side as the cancer, we need to get it checked.

On a good note, I've bought my first 3 head scarves yesterday. I hope they are good enough and won't itch when it comes the time. Was going to buy silky ones but they are way to expensive (£35 for a scarf???) no way I'm going to pay a fortune for something that will be just temporary, so soft polyester will have to do.

Bone scan was today and it wasn't as bad as I though. Luckily got R to sit with me throughout the scan which was great, as M had to work. Had to take a radioactive injection and that means that I'll be radioactive for 24hours and my wee is going to be radioactive. (wow... although I don't feel a thing from it makes me feel a bit weird having something in me that is usually harmful)

The hormones are taking the best of me. Felt extremely tired at the point of start losing my balance hence why I didn't post on here. And felt extremely down and tired this morning and had a constant headache all day.
As I'm taking the hormone injections and as horrible the pain is, all I think is that this is just a small thing compared to what is about to happen. I fret about it but at the same time I think I'm underestimating the whole journey and being positive about it. I guess I'll let you all know when I get there.

"Don't grieve. Anything you lose comes around in another form"

P.x

The Birds and the Bees

Today was a better day.

We had another appointment at the fertility clinic. I went for a scan of my uterus, check the ovaries.
Basically they need to check the thickness of the uterus layer to know when to start the IVF (In-Vitro Fertilization) injections, and to know how many follicles I've got in my ovaries to see if it would be successful the stimulation or not.
In my case, everything was ok to start the process.
M had to give a sample for testing before they do the fertilization to check on the little dudes.
And according to them, everything is ok, so now we just need a bit of good luck and that my ovaries behave for the next 10 days!

I've given so many subcutaneous injections to so many patients and always said "it might sting a bit" - bloody hell!! A bit?? - This was my first time giving an injection to myself and I'm dreading that in two days time I'll have to give two every night. Oh the joy! - It stings like a bitch - Not looking forward to it. My ovaries better work properly after this. As M said, think about why are you doing it! Babies... we want babies!

We are so grateful with what the fertility clinic is doing for us. Apart from the amount of paperwork we have to read and sign - They have been truly amazing with no fault on them, everything they do is just so caring and supportive. It must be such a rewarding feeling to be able to offer couples something that otherwise they would never have. We do understand why the treatment is so expensive (if their not funded by NHS), their technology and their staff are the best.

Oncology appointment tomorrow and fingers crossed the doctor tells us it's ok to start the chemo on the 15th of May. (Deep down I'm starting to get a bit anxious about it as it gets closer to the date...)

P.x

Tired.

Today I don't feel like writing.

Don't feel like talking.

Don't feel like eating. M is making the effort for me and making me react to life.

Just want to dig a hole and bury my head in the dark and stay there until this is all over.

And it's not even started yet.

But I do know that sometimes is ok not to be ok.

She said I was being very strong today. Didn't felt like it. Just because I didn't cry, it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt to know my lymphnodes are involved.

P.x

Neverland

Today it's M's time to voice his feelings about this hell we're going through.

I shall leave you with him.

Sometimes it's almost like we've accepted the diagnosis, but the truth is that we know the worst is yet to come. Today we watched the movie Hook, where we disappeared back into a fantasy world where we used to have no worries at all and we never wanted to grow up.

At first there were no words, just devastation. One minute we were discussing how to organize the bedroom to start a family, then our entire lives are flipped upside down with just one horrible word - Cancer. You can't prepare for it. And now as we struggle to deal with the many emotions, our thoughts have manifested into 1000 unanswerable questions. Will we be O.K? For how long? How will this impact us as a couple? Will we ever have any children? It's made us completely selfless and puts so many irrelevant things in life into perspective.

This is going to sound bias because we are a couple, but the world really would be at a loss without her. Her smile is infectious. She's saved lives and given support to those in dark places at their lowest moments. A lifetime wouldn't be enough to explain everything that is great about P. She's the strongest most independent woman I've ever met, so to see her in tears saying to me "I don't want to go through this" is the worst emotional pain I've ever experienced. And I have dealt with plenty of that in many different forms.

Helplessness is an understatement. Anyone in our immediate family would trade places with her if they could. If this was happening to me as some kind of punishment for the stupid things I had done in my life it would all make more sense. But everyone is on a different journey and at this point we don't know why we've been put on this path. Maybe one day we will.

I don't believe in God because I've never seen any proof of his existence. But what I have seen evidence of is the incredible power of the imagination. I believe that things do have a meaning though, a purpose, and that this is our test. I believe that my life has molded me into the strongest version of myself, mentally and physically so that I can be there for her in every way I need to, so that she can rely on me. Because that's all I can do. I believe that everybody goes through a struggle in life and that this is ours. I believe that this is happening to us because we can do it. And I know that we can because we will.

With the help and support from our family and friends we will remain as positive as we can. We would like to lead an example that there are always going to be positives in life. We will still smile and when people see that and wonder how or why with the situation we're in I'll tell them the truth...I am spending every single day that I can with the woman I love, a person that showed me that any place in the world can be called home.

"No relationship is all sunshine, but two people can share one umbrella and survive the storm together".

M.x

Unicorns!

Don't tell me that rainbows are over, unicorns don't exist, candy floss has melted and mermaids only live in fairy tales.

Don't make me stop dreaming pink. Don't take away my smile. Don't take away my happiness.

Why are you here? Why are you in my life? Even if you wanted to take all those things from me, I wouldn't let you!

My life will always have smiles, happiness, rainbows, mermaids and unicorns eating candy floss. Because I can, and because I want to dream in pink and green and blue and you won't destroy my dreams. As long as I stand you won't take any of this from me, and believe me, I can take a lot of shit from you!

Today was the first change day!

I've got UNICORN HAIR!!! And I'm loving it!

I would never have tried to do this in a normal situation because my hair is so thin and sensitive that bleaching it means that it will get really dry and horrible. But in this very specific situation, I can! (they said because I've got cancer I can do whatever I want, so I'm only doing as I'm told) In a few weeks, just before chemo I'll get it cut shorter so I won't have to deal with dry horrible hair.

Thank you to all my friends and family that supported me on this decision, even if you think I'm crazy.
 And, Thank you to the 5 beautiful girls that made my unicorn hair possible (L, R, C, J, L) and were as excited as me.

Ps: Always believe in unicorns, the mermaids told me they exist!

"When someone else doesn't believe in you or your dreams, remember it's about them, not you"

P.x 

Selfish or Self-ist

Relaxed day today

Away from appointments, responsibility, doctors and nurses. Almost felt like a normal day - Except from people asking questions and asking for updates.
I don't usually mind people asking for updates and asking questions but today I just wanted to be selfish and have a normal day.

I've done some cleaning (a bit of spring cleaning) as I know that soon I won't be able to do as much for a while. Have been with myself and my own thoughts. It was nice for a change after the last few days.

Yesterday had so many phone calls because someone booked my chemo to start on Monday, but I wasn't ready for that, was expecting another week and a half to complete all my appointments and exams before we agree on a chemo date. After a good 5 phone calls (2 of them with some rude receptionist - I wish people wouldn't work in healthcare if they don't have a nice attitude) I finally solved this 'way to early' appointment mistake (It was agreed with the oncologist last week that I would start in 3 weeks, not 1 and a half.).

This is why I really needed a relaxed day to myself today. And I really deserved it.

Would like to give you a breast update. After my biopsy that was done on the 1st of April, my big bruising has just disappeared in the last couple of days, but is still sore. I still feel some pins and needles sometimes - at rest or when doing something heavy - specially under my arm as there was the last biopsy was taken from (10th April).
I am aware of my breast all the time, I try to ignore it but it doesn't work. I was scared to touch both of them - silly fear, I know - but I was afraid of hurting myself or making it even worse. I've been more confident lately but still going through the healing process. I have tried to go back to gym a week ago but the fast walk on the treadmill was making it ache, So I stopped and been sticking to normal walks or just bike to move my legs around.

It's not easy, but we've been good so far...

P.x

A Piece of Good News

What . A . Day!

3 hours spent on that CT department! Gotta love the NHS!
No food in me since 23.00 the night before, was told I couldn't eat 2 hours before the scan - 09.30 - and to drink a liter of water an hour before. There I was thinking I would be out of there by 10:30 and be back to eat my Portuguese goodies for a late breakfast. - How naive!

First I can start with the three arm hole gown that took me a significant amount of time to figure out how to do it!
Then the fact that I still felt naked - and the constant feeling I was showing my bum to the world! (I wasn't as that has got a pretty good coverage but is a bit breezy! haha)
Labrat for practice cannulation didn't work so well as my veins (just found that out) are not the best ones once they've been used so many times in the last few days, so here came the Sister to the rescue of the poor girl that was struggling.
The contrast - That is the weirdest experience ever. It hurts a bit if the cannula is so small (I had a yellow one in - means small/pediatric for the ones that are not medical) and by the time the whole contrast was in it was burning on the site of the cannula and the other side effects started - The hot flush - the taste in my mouth - (and the most weird one) a feeling of warmness/hot down below! (I'm still asking myself what the hell was that and how does that work?)

M didn't like the experience and was not very impressed as it was extremely boring to wait 3 hours in a hospital waiting room. But he was very patient and as usual my big rock.

Now have to wait for those results. Might get them Monday and fingers crossed they will be ok!

Fertility Clinic in the afternoon, (and to top up the great day we were having I got the place wrong because I didn't check the address and we ended up getting there late - Shame on us) the staff was so nice overall. The place so clean and inviting. We barely sat down and the doctor called us in. What a nice doctor and human being. From the beginning of the consultation we liked him, and then we liked him even more when he gave us the right answers. The team will be giving us the best and the fastest treatments that they can "because you deserve it" he said!! Made us smile so much, means so much to us! This means that, if the oncologist agrees, and my ovaries are cooperative, we'll be harvesting some eggs and turning them into embryos soon. So exciting!
The best bit of news we've heard in two weeks.
We might have a chance now.
It just means that chemo will be slightly delayed but only just a couple of weeks. Fingers crossed the oncologist agrees and we can proceed - We'll know on Wednesday.
We needed this win! We can't be unlucky forever. And we will perceive until we get our life back and our future under control, because there will be no other way of doing it.

So for now... I'm saying goodbye for a good while to my good old friend for the last 15 years...
Good bye pill!

Sorry about the long post but had to be done! I'll probably tell you more about the fertility next week when I know a bit more about it myself.

"There is nothing wrong with wanting more. There is no reason why you shouldn't get everything you want from life."

P.x

Science Lesson

Quick round trip to London today.

Genetics appointment was longer than expected, well just because I wasn't expecting more than a blood test but instead we got an free science lesson. (8 weeks for the result!)

I'll be tested for BRCA1 and BRCA2, these two genes are what make our bodies fight for cancerous cells on the breast and ovaries (for women) and prostate, pancreas and breast (for men). If there's a mutation (and that's what they are trying to find out) means that one of them is not working properly and our body can't fight cancerous cells and develops it.
But apparently only 15% of the triple negative kinds of cancer (It's the one that I've got - means it's negative for the three types of hormones, as in was not developed by hormone changes) have this mutation of this gene - so that means that 85% of people with breast cancer doesn't have a clue what caused the cancer. Now your question will be: Which one is best? - Well you can answer that one yourself.

Knowing that - If you've got the gene mutation, your gene mutation might have come from your family and they might still be at risk of developing any kind of cancer, can be passed on to your babies (if you have IVF they'll pick the embryos with the negative mutation and that's a bit better), then you can make the decision of removing both of your breasts and ovaries to prevent this from going through this hell again (exactly what Angelina Jolie did). And your family members have a better idea what is expecting them and we can prevent things from happening.

or

If you haven't got the gene mutation, you can belong to the 85% that have no idea what caused it, the risks of developing cancer again are less but not completely null so you still battle with the decision of removing your breasts and your ovaries because - just in case - you don't want this hell ever again.

Sorry for the science lesson, thought I'd share with you and make us all a bit more knowledgeable.

So a round trip and one blood sample later we're home with some Portuguese treats sent by mum and a few of good friends(R, C and R). Thank you all!

Tomorrow is CT CAP and Fertility appointment day, big day I'd say! All crossed!

P.x

Positivity

Tuesday post bank holiday means: everybody gets back to work!

And means 500 calls to do and answer. I wanted to get answers, so I went to get them!

New appointments booked - Bone scan next Tuesday to check for metastases and stage the cancer. And appointment at Guy's tomorrow at Genetics department has been confirmed. - That will tell us if I've got the BRCA gene or not, and that might slightly change the treatment.
Then got the main answer from my breast care nurse about my hair. It will definitely fall and I should be ready for it. So I grabbed my "nuts" an decided that in that case I might as well go wig and scarf hunt - So I did.
Grabbed the name of the place the nurse gave me and decided to go there to book an appointment and see what it looks like. As I'm ever so lucky - not! - the lady that deals with wigs had just left - so I just told this girl about my diagnose and I didn't have too! And she gave me the pity eyes!... - anyway the girl gave me the direct contact number for the lady and will definitely ring her to book an appointment with her as soon as possible.
Now I've decided to do it in stages, first cut above the shoulder before chemo. Then cutting it short on the first 14 days after chemo. - There!! I've made a decision. And that felt good! I'm taking control - Slowly.
This cancer won't take the best of me - although M wants it to take a bit of my sarcasm away... not a chance!! - I will take control of my life, I will take control over you and you're not going to win. I have been a stubborn person all my life, can't see a better situation where the stubbornness will be well applied.

All of this topped up with a lovely catch up with friends, made it a very nice day. Oh! And the sun was out!

Eddie inspired me today so here it goes something from him:

"I'll paint the picture, let me set the scene 

I know, I'm all for people following their dreams

Just re-remember life is more than fitting in your jeans

It's love and understanding, positivity"

P.x 

Expectations

Not sure how I should describe today.

It was a mixed feelings day. Behind us there was 4 days of "rest" that turned into million questions and worries, and ahead there's days full of doctors and phone calls and appointments and so many things to deal with. The expectation is high.

This week I'll have my genetics test done and my fertility appointment too. Still waiting to be contacted to do a CT scan and Bone scan to then determine the stage of the cancer. I'm hopeful that it can all be done this week and specially our fertility appointment goes as I'm expecting it to be - fingers (and everything else) crossed- and it doesn't delay - too much - the start of my chemo.

I've been speaking to a couple of people that have been through the breast cancer journey, but different experiences. although made me think a bit more positive about what I'm going to go through.

Ps. I'm still struggling about my hair, I know it might be a silly worry in the scale of things - M and me know now we will have different worries throughout the whole process (sometimes a good talk with friends help you see the other side of things), but mine is the hair.
I can deal with feeling/being sick, I can deal with tiredness, I can deal with sleepiness and feeling like shit but not sure how I'm gonna feel about my bold head for about 6 months. I know it will grow and people say it grows better and quick but it's My Hair. I'll get over it...I know I will, just give me a bit of time. I think I have decided what to do but not entirely sure yet, I'll let you know soon!

"Your current situation is not your final destination"

P.x 

Good Things in Life

Happy Easter Everyone!

Today almost felt like a normal day. We're not religious - so Easter is all about family reunions and good food and dessert. Oh! and chocolate!

We went to a farmers market in the morning - Think I bought a bit too much!! Oops!- and had lunch with M's family. As M was driving through the country roads all thoughts were playing in our minds, but we decided to be positive about things, to think about all the good things in life and that despite we've been unlucky to have the C Beast knocking at our door, - we still ask ourselves why us?- there's people going through worse things at the moment and at least we've got a lot of things in our favor for this to go right.

*We've got excellent team of doctors and nurses looking after me and doing everything they can to fix me.
*We've got a support network so strong that can hold the world.
*Sun has been shining more than usually in the UK making things look better and feel better.

No matter what the situation you're in, or the battle you're fighting, surround yourself with the people that love you, that make you smile at least once a day, that go out of their way to make you feel good. No battle is a battle that you can fight alone, even if you think you'd be better of alone, you're not. Humans were made to live in communities because together we're stronger.
Enjoy the little things in life that make you smile. For me that is friendship, dogs, children and nature. Find yours and please - just for a day - be thankful for having ate least one of the things that you love in your life.

"Because of your smile you make life more beautiful"

P.x 

Hair

Dreams of chemo sessions invaded my head last night.

Can't really describe anything in specific but I woke up living that dream and then: Bang! Reality hits again and this will all be true in a few weeks.

I'm terrified of losing my hair.

I don't want to wake one morning with a patch of it on my pillow.

But I don't want to cut it either. It's going to be so painful emotionally.

So many thoughts running through my head. Do I cut it now? - and get used to it - Or do I wait until I start chemo? - will that be too many emotions to deal at once? - Do I try the cold cap and hope to lose less? - But then what's the point of cutting it before hand? - Do I get a wig? - I don't like the thought of it and I think I'll get too uncomfortable with it. - Scarfs are at the moment the safest and more comfortable option that I'm considering. Although I tried one this morning on my head and felt so awfully depressed with it and a tear came to my eyes before throwing it aside.
I don't want this... but I know that is a necessary evil to go through all of this as a winner.

I'm not worried about what other people will see or think about my appearance, I just want to feel good about myself, feel comfortable in my own body and love myself above it all. - Even though I know I'm loved no matter what my breast or my hair looks like - I just want to love myself.

M doesn't get tired of saying that he loves me no matter what, and holds me really tight when I have days like this. I know he's the one.

"Every cloud has a silver lining"

P.x 

Speak Up!

07.30 Wake up!

Why can't I sleep more than that? I love to be in the field of dreams, where your worries don't exist.

Then I wake up and reality hits you in the face. 

You've got cancer. 

You've got to be a fighter from now on. 

Then depression hits. 

But turn to the other side and there he is - My rock! He says the wise words that I need to hear and suddenly things feel a bit better - still not great, but better.

Messages kept flowing through my phone of shocked people about the awareness post on Facebook. The messages full of amazingly kind words left me speechless. Some made me cry. 

I didn't realize that so many people would even read or pay attention to it. 

I'm so grateful for the support words transmitted by all of you and believe me - that makes a difference, to know that you have a crowd hoping that you'll get through this.

Took me quite a while to decide to make it public. Not many people know but I was embarrassed to tell anyone that I found a lump on my breast. First because - I'm a nurse! I should know better! - Then - What if it's nothing and I'm making a big thing out of it? Don't want to go around and tell people, they will judge me. Now I know the embarrassment is absolutely ridiculous! If something worries you - Speak Up! 

But now I'm glad I did. People need to be aware that this (I still struggle with that word, I'm sorry) is something real and can knock at anyone's door. 

I feel like even with this horrendous fate I've got a purpose. I should educate and raise awareness.
Today there was a very fine line between being ok and falling into that deep dark place and I chose to raise up and be better than the cancer.  

Today I wore a full face of make up for the first time in two weeks. I felt a bit happy about it!

"Life must be rich and full of loving...It's no good otherwise, no good at all, for anyone"

P.x 

I Feel Normal

I feel normal.
I feel healthy.
How can such a small thing be so deadly.
How can I believe that I'm ill if I don't feel anything?

Today I felt normal, M and I went fishing. Was a normal day, I had a normal appetite, fed the fishes, even cast a rod (o.m.g. that's well exciting!) and was able to enjoy the beautiful nature around us. The silence and the peace was well needed.
After a while conversation always goes to the same subject: The C word. But, for a change, we faced it with positives words. I wanted to concentrate in the beautiful things that surround us and how tiny we are in this immense world. Every creature is fantastic in it's own way.

This (shit face - as M's mum calls it) has changed us already. We're more mature, we're facing things differently, we're making peace with the past. Past conflicts are easily forgiven because this is way bigger than that. Way bigger than any argument or small row.
Please learn to forgive the past behind you and the people in it. I certainly did.
The C word came to stay and to teach us a lot.

Today I struggled to say "I've got Breast Cancer". Perhaps tomorrow will be different and I know at some point I'll stop being angry at it and embrace it as it's always going to be a small part of me - Even if it will be just in a memory

"For whatever we lose (like a you or a me), it's always ourselves we find in the sea."

P.x

Is This Real?!

Very tearful day!

8:30am phone rings. The breast nurse on the other side of the line asking if we wouldn't mind having an appointment with the Oncologist today. Of course we don't... we want this sorted as soon as possible.
I always thought an appointment with the oncologist would be good, answer lots of questions, and in a certain way it did. But raised so much all my greatest fears.

I'm terrified. I'm not ready for this. I don't think I'll be ready to start chemo in 3 weeks time. I don't think I'll ever be ready for any of this.

The consent form that I brought home to read over and over again makes it so so REAL.

And again... Why me? I know I'll get through the end, I know I'll be strong enough - at some point - but scares me so much just the start. I don't want to start. But I have to. And it's shit! Real shit!

Still waiting for the fertility doctor - Another fear - I want to know if I'm ever gonna be able to freeze my eggs and be able to have children. I so hope so, but don't want to put myself at risk either and no one can tell me what happens if we delay chemo for a couple more weeks. I just want answers to settle my mind. to perhaps think of a plan B and a plan C. M and I will start talking about alternative plans but we're taking one day at a time.

Today was mostly so we could cry, and voice our fears to one another. I'm afraid of losing him and his afraid of losing me in totally different settings. We'll get to an understanding, sure we will. We're stronger than ever and no 'survival rates/chances and percentages' will get in the way of this.

We feel like we've been sucked out of our lives and living in a different planet.
We will have our "normal" back, our routines and our giggles and life back. We will!

"The devotion of thought to an honest achievement, makes the achievement possible."

P.x

Taking It In

Today was an ok day.

So much to take in. Still doesn't seem real. So many tears were shed yesterday that I feel like I've got no more. I feel like I've got no more strength to be sad either.

We decided to keep busy. M has the week off so we decided to go shopping and treat ourselves.

I've bought a nice journal to write things down and a book "100 days happier".

I just hope that I can hold on to days like today and not cry once... but I fear that won't happen very often.

L&J lent us a book called "One Year Wiser" and I'll be following the day by day quotes from both of the books.

"To begin, Begin!" 

P.x

The Diagnose, Day 0

Today was a heartbreaking long day.

MRI in the morning. Not as bad as I thought it would be, I was put in a gown, nurse placed cod liver oil tablets on my nipples (apparently is to mark the nipple otherwise they might think it's something else) and faced down the entire time. Like in a massage table but a little less comfortable.
Just a little. (Not). 

I was listening to music the entire time and they communicated with me the the length of each scan and I've noticed the noise change. I was quite amazed with the power of the MRI machine, but not quite impressed with the numbness in my arm. Felt like if I needed to press the bell for help my arm wouldn't respond to my commands.

The appointment with the consultant didn't come quick enough, but then the wait in that waiting area was a bit painful. I wasn't sure if I wanted it to be done quick or if I just didn't want to face it.

It's Cancer.

The most frightening diagnose has finally come out. I read it on the piece of paper that was upside down in front of me. I saw it. The word carcinoma popped in front of my eyes for that split second before she said it. bu I needed to hear it. Then I broke down. M stayed strong next to me, held my hand and the whole room turned into silence while the sound of my tears echoed around.
Doctor made a plan and I'm so glad she wrote it down, the rest of that conversation is a complete blur.

Sent again to the ultrasound room for a re-biopsy of the axilla that came inconclusive last time.
Oh the joys of being poked again where I've already got a bruise! - Not

The Lilac room again, was the place for grieve. I'm really starting to have a love-hate relationship with that room.

I'm so grateful of all the family and friends support that we've got and all the people that had their thoughts and presence with us that day. It was very important to feel the support coming out of all directions.

M held himself up so well, but I know his little heart is so broken. same as mine. All he keeps saying to me is "I wish it was me. I wish we could swap places" - Don't be silly

I know, and I truly believe that things like this only happen to the ones that are strong enough to deal with it.

M you were made to be my rock not to be the one carrying hell.

"Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead."

P.x

Week from Hell, Day -1

Breakdown number...???

Such a beautiful day spent by the lakes.
Everything was going perfect, well, at least for me, great sun, beautiful nature silence and the best company.
M was not having a good day with the fishing situation. I found it quite amusing and very cute his tantrums about it.
I just wished I'd stayed til the end. but this positivity board needs to be finished. It doesn't even have half of it filled - completely pointless if you ask me now.
R brought me home and we left M behind with the rods. Thinking I'd be doing the right thing and get this done and dusted for the board to have some more positivity than I do.
However, I missed the biggest win of this week. I so needed that win. M caught a fish, and I wasn't there. The first time we went together. I just wanted a win. Although I'm very happy for him, I feel devastated and wish I'd stayed.

Because M is the best person ever, he bought me a scratch card. £5 we won. Not bad to finish the day.

Tomorrow is the day!

"Love one another and you'll be happy. It is as simple and as difficult as that"

P.x

Week from Hell, Day -2

Today was a bad day.

Don't really know what made me wake up like that but frustration for not getting enough sleep might be a clue.

Getting dressed to go out was definitely something I didn't want to do - I don't have any clothes to wear... this stupid sports bra that I have to wear (as everything else causes me aches and discomfort) don't go with any clothes.
Makeup, what's even the point? I'm wearing horrible clothes anyway, My face looks so sad and miserable that no 10 layers of makeup will change that. And then the thinking... that my body doesn't look the same, it will never look the same. Breast is still swollen and bruised from all the tests, exams and biopsies and I can't see the end of this.
Then shoes. Oh another drama! It's a beautiful spring day, I could so bring out my flats, but my limitations of wearing a plain T-shirt to hide the sports bra, made me look like a right clown. Wearing sportswear and flats?! Trainers it is. Once again.
M is being so supportive, he made everything in his power to get me out of the house and I so appreciate that. I needed that distraction.

BBQ with the neighbors in the evening was a success after my morning drama. We've put a bet on the Grand National for the first time today, and as expected, we didn't win. But on the other hand we had lots of good food and laughs just the 4 of us and a bit of a badminton session. Sun was so nice and warm and I think it definitely makes things better.
We are making this our Grand National tradition!

"The real voyage of discovery consists not seeking new landscapes, but in having new eyes"

P.x

Week from Hell, Day -3

3 days to go!

Today we're holding on...just.

I've kept my mind occupied. L & C took me for a walk C's cuddles are the best. I could definitely have that as a treatment. Well, if I need one anyway.

It's so hard not to think that might be our reality. M has had a bad day, he's thinking too far ahead, and so am I. But for some reason, I'm coloring it pink... or coral and green just as my freshly made manicure and pedicure show. 

I think about the imaginary treatment in my head, and that I want to pick the nurse that does my treatment - if I can - and the hair that might fall off and I'll have to very painfully shave it all before I go through the falling stage that surely must be way more painful. 

I worry about silly things like my nails. Will they make it?! so I can carry on doing beautiful manicures and pretend everything is ok? Will I be able to sun tan? M is worried that my mum will have to stay here for a long time and what the landlord can say. I worry that she won't be able to keep sleeping on a sofa for that long... neither can we. We will have to agree that she stays as long as I can't handle cooking or cleaning. 

But well... in the end none of this is real, all of this is just part of our very emotional and broken imagination. We will fight this, whatever it is, stupid lump. How long have you been there for? Wish you would go.

Ps: Today my family videocall me, completely hyper for my cousin's Bday party. All the happiness they were trying to send me through that screen was lost in translation. I felt the exact opposite I was supposed to feel. I love all of them very much, but at the moment, I can only deal with one at the time. 

Today's quote:

"The interactive forces in nature generate artistic forms (water moves in swirls, as waves crash and tumble down the banks of a river)"

P.x

Week from Hell, Day -4

5 days ago my world collapsed. The floor under my feet all of a sudden felt like a big deep hole I was falling to. The lump that up until then seemed to be ok, it wasn't. "It's not normal" she said. And tears rolled down my face without my permission.

The Lilac room we sat for what it felt like an eternity had all the features I already known - This is for bad news - the thought going through my head. M sat by my side and we sunk into that dark place right inside us trying to hold on to each other. Seeing him cry broke my heart, I've never seen anyone suffering so much. In that chaotic moment I selfishly thought - This is the best love gesture anyone could ever give me - and now I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.

 The blur of the next 20 minutes after this included something about "It can be cancer" - more tears - "we will discuss treatment". - But we just started thinking about starting a family. This is so fucking unfair! - "we can talk about fertility solutions" but...but...but... "We will know better on Monday... we'll discuss all of it then" she said.

  You have to be strong... for him... he's not holding it together, you'll have to. As I held his hand trying to hold us both together.

 We just want this to be a dream, an April fools joke, a mistake, something that it's not real. Still doesn't feel real. I'm afraid to touch it, afraid to think of all the things that can come from it. I want everything now and want to be able to have some control in my life. I want to plan the uncertain future, I don't want all of these "what ifs" going through my head.

Today's quote:

"Now and then, it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness, and just be happy." 

P.x