8:30am phone rings. The breast nurse on the other side of the line asking if we wouldn't mind having an appointment with the Oncologist today. Of course we don't... we want this sorted as soon as possible.
I always thought an appointment with the oncologist would be good, answer lots of questions, and in a certain way it did. But raised so much all my greatest fears.
I'm terrified. I'm not ready for this. I don't think I'll be ready to start chemo in 3 weeks time. I don't think I'll ever be ready for any of this.
The consent form that I brought home to read over and over again makes it so so REAL.
And again... Why me? I know I'll get through the end, I know I'll be strong enough - at some point - but scares me so much just the start. I don't want to start. But I have to. And it's shit! Real shit!
Still waiting for the fertility doctor - Another fear - I want to know if I'm ever gonna be able to freeze my eggs and be able to have children. I so hope so, but don't want to put myself at risk either and no one can tell me what happens if we delay chemo for a couple more weeks. I just want answers to settle my mind. to perhaps think of a plan B and a plan C. M and I will start talking about alternative plans but we're taking one day at a time.
Today was mostly so we could cry, and voice our fears to one another. I'm afraid of losing him and his afraid of losing me in totally different settings. We'll get to an understanding, sure we will. We're stronger than ever and no 'survival rates/chances and percentages' will get in the way of this.
We feel like we've been sucked out of our lives and living in a different planet.
We will have our "normal" back, our routines and our giggles and life back. We will!
"The devotion of thought to an honest achievement, makes the achievement possible."
P.x
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