A year ago we walked in those doors to get my lump checked and our lives changed forever.
Tired from a night shift I just wished it was an April fools day joke. Or a dream.
It feels like yesterday but we are proud to know and announce the worst is behind us. Is it over? No. It never will be. The fear of recurrence is high, and the scars don't let me forget. My current struggle with life in general doesn't let me forget.
I'm half way through cognitive behavioural therapy to adjust my fearful and anxious thoughts to the real life and it's hard to let go of things that made you who you are today, in order to live a better future.
Ten weeks post radiotherapy I still have the expected tiredness but feel it's getting better. Back to exercise was probably one of the ways to gain control of my body again, my arm still doesn't stretch without aching, muscles are still damaged, and scar tissue is probably always gonna be an issue. My personal trainer is helping me getting some of it back, reinforcing the chest muscles and making them stretch is a priority, so we're focusing on chest press, lat pull down and do a small high intensity interval training to help expand all these muscles and help me breathe better. Getting out of breath and upper chest pain is something I experienced first time I tried to run, but apparently is a normal thing bearing in mind my chest was zapped with radiation. If my breast still feels hard, I can now imagine how the muscles must feel. I massage the scars and feel my breasts every day, has become my new obsession. Is it normal? Is it healthy? Perhaps not but it's my new normal. The nipple is still very very sensitive and itchy at times. I've noticed that despite the amount of cream I put everyday it always looks a bit dry and flaky, not the rest of the breast, only the nipple.
Another funny thing I've noticed a while ago is this:
(I'm sorry for people that I might offend showing gross things like this)
Yup, having a Frankenboob was not enough so let's have dysfunctional armpits! I might not sweat as much from it but it still releases a different body odour from the other one. Go figure!
And now speaking of the Frankenboobie, the other day I've tried one of my old bra's for a few hours and it was instant regret. I used to wear padded bras and the filled part presses right on my lump bed scar and is extremely uncomfortable, so is the wire that forces the breast into an unnatural shape. So I think now is probably the time to say goodbye to them but I'm still holding on, to that little piece of me from a year ago...
Tomorrow - the 2nd of April - I'll be back to work, restart where I left off exactly one year ago (but this time I'll start off with a cold - the irony!) Wish me luck!
P.x
Tired from a night shift I just wished it was an April fools day joke. Or a dream.
It feels like yesterday but we are proud to know and announce the worst is behind us. Is it over? No. It never will be. The fear of recurrence is high, and the scars don't let me forget. My current struggle with life in general doesn't let me forget.
I'm half way through cognitive behavioural therapy to adjust my fearful and anxious thoughts to the real life and it's hard to let go of things that made you who you are today, in order to live a better future.
Ten weeks post radiotherapy I still have the expected tiredness but feel it's getting better. Back to exercise was probably one of the ways to gain control of my body again, my arm still doesn't stretch without aching, muscles are still damaged, and scar tissue is probably always gonna be an issue. My personal trainer is helping me getting some of it back, reinforcing the chest muscles and making them stretch is a priority, so we're focusing on chest press, lat pull down and do a small high intensity interval training to help expand all these muscles and help me breathe better. Getting out of breath and upper chest pain is something I experienced first time I tried to run, but apparently is a normal thing bearing in mind my chest was zapped with radiation. If my breast still feels hard, I can now imagine how the muscles must feel. I massage the scars and feel my breasts every day, has become my new obsession. Is it normal? Is it healthy? Perhaps not but it's my new normal. The nipple is still very very sensitive and itchy at times. I've noticed that despite the amount of cream I put everyday it always looks a bit dry and flaky, not the rest of the breast, only the nipple.
Another funny thing I've noticed a while ago is this:
(I'm sorry for people that I might offend showing gross things like this)
Yup, having a Frankenboob was not enough so let's have dysfunctional armpits! I might not sweat as much from it but it still releases a different body odour from the other one. Go figure!
And now speaking of the Frankenboobie, the other day I've tried one of my old bra's for a few hours and it was instant regret. I used to wear padded bras and the filled part presses right on my lump bed scar and is extremely uncomfortable, so is the wire that forces the breast into an unnatural shape. So I think now is probably the time to say goodbye to them but I'm still holding on, to that little piece of me from a year ago...
Tomorrow - the 2nd of April - I'll be back to work, restart where I left off exactly one year ago (but this time I'll start off with a cold - the irony!) Wish me luck!
P.x
