The End - The New Beginning - Day 282

Today was my last radiotherapy treatment.

The LAST treatment.

And after 292 days, it's over!

Now can we even begin to comprehend what just happened. Where have those 292 days gone?

So much rush and fighting to get to the end of the tunnel and where did we get to? The emptiness of an uncertain future. We still remember the day that we went to the hospital the first time to check a lump we were sure it was something silly and simple. The day we cried ourselves to sleep.


Radiotherapy wasn't a walk in the park for me. It was an unpleasant experience that drained me emotionally. I can't even compare with chemo or surgery, they were all unpleasant and horrendous. But my expectations about radiotherapy were that it would be "fine" compared to the other two. From my point of view, it wasn't "fine". Tears came out of my eyes every time I was laying on that table and felt miserably down every single day. M had a copious amount of patience that I could never thank him enough for it - believe me when I say I'm a terrible patient and a miserable cow when I'm depressed - Not everyone's experience is the same, but this was mine and I was not ready for it. So if you are about to have radiotherapy, please get yourself ready for it all - The good, the bad and the evil.

The cancer is gone! Chemotherapy, surgery and my - damn stubborn - attitude got rid of it, radiotherapy was just a preventive measure to make me live longer and healthier(?). According to the health professionals, the word remission doesn't exist anymore, from now I'm NED - No Evidence of Disease - and we hope that it carries on as it is.

I'm so happy this is over, no more injections, no more scans, no more trips to the hospital, no more waiting rooms, no more radiation. No more, until the year check up, or until I panic about my scar tissue, or until I feel insecure. Realistically, this is not completely over, only a small part of it. My scars are still here, still healing, my breast is still slightly misshaped, my skin is still red/purple from radiation and will be sensitive for the rest of my life, and my arm is still at risk of lymphoedema.

We can't pick up where we've left off like people say, as I'm sure we're not the same people that we were in 31th March 2017. We're battered and bruised and scarred. From now we have to find a new normal, and that's scary. I'm scared of living in fear, but looking forward to have some control over my life. Grievance is something 'm learning to deal with every day and will be part of my new normal. So please we just ask you yo be patient while we adjust.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with us and for believing that this unicorn would find the other side of the rainbow.

How many of us would love a fresh start? A new beginning?

This story is not over. It's only just beginning.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion"

P.x

Night Time Tears

For a week I've had this "lump" on my throat that puts me on a verge of crying. And I do sometimes. And I feel guilty, and sad, and anxious and depressed.

I feel lucky because my type of cancer has a cure, but I have a dreadful fear of it coming back, now that I approach the end of my treatment I get scared that things go out of control.

Then I feel guilty for crying, for feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is crap when there's so many people in a worse situation than mine.

That's when sadness comes. for the other fighters out there that are facing those fears everyday and don't know when and if it's ever gonna end.

Then I feel grateful for living another day, for breathing, for being able to hug M every morning and hear that he loves me more than the day before. Such small little things to be so so grateful about.

Have you stopped and thought today? What are you grateful for?
Even if you're just grateful for getting out of bed, that's ok, that is a great victory.

P.x