Perfect Little Moments

Life is not perfect but you can obtain perfect little moments out of it.

Let's start with the beginning of the week, when my radiotherapy started - It will be easy they said. The easiest part of the treatment they said - But it wouldn't be my treatment if it didn't have a hiccup on the easiest part. Three weeks ago, when I had my radiotherapy tattoos done, my body was still very tense and uncomfortable laying on the CT table with my arms up. Now with almost full rage of movement, the way my arms go behind my head is different and consequently more relaxed body. Apparently having a relaxed body in this situation is not good as the measurements then didn't match. The 20 minutes I was promised turned into 1 hour. My good arm went numb twice and they had to pause for recovery. The big boss had to come along eventually to authorise the treatment - one more pair of eyes on my boobs. Nice! lol - All of this made me panic just for a moment and almost cried but everyone was focused on my boob and no one noticed - Phew!
The rest of the week went quite smoothly, barely waited, almost in & out, only time for a quick pic in the changing room.

So far this week of radiotherapy has been localised, focused on the place where the tumour was. My skin is starting to change. Colour and texture on the inside. I could go a bit further and say my boob is even more misshaped - but only very slightly, only noticeable to my eyes - For the last 3 days - I didn't know it before - I've been applying an ice pack before and after to cool down the skin and prevent the burning. Have been applying cream three times a day, but only milky lotions for radiated skin. So far so good though.

Radiotherapy doesn't hurt and I don't feel it. Although there was a day that I could swear my boob was tingling inside whilst the radiation was on - although might have just been my brain making it up.
Now I get to rest and enjoy 4 days with no radiotherapy and Christmas with some of the family.
Apart from radiotherapy everyday something else happened: My birthday! I'm 31 now and I can probably tell that in one year I've aged about 5 years. Wiser and older I'll carry on smiling through the path that life gave me as there's no other way of facing it.

M, though, thought the "wise and old" needed some more reasons to celebrate.
After what was for both of us a year of hell, with so many emotions involved, he stood beside me without blinking or stumbling, carrying a "burden" that I could never imagine. So on the 20th December, M got down on one knee and made me the happiest girl alive.

My hero, my rock, my best friend, the love of my life.
The day he made my life perfect. That perfect little moment forever engraved in my heart. No matter how much crap life throws at us, he wants to stay by my side through thick and thin, to love and to hold. And so do I. So I said YES!
I'm beyond excited. For a perfect moment I forgot I had cancer and everything felt so good and normal.

There is no better way to finish off what it seemed to be the worst year of our lives, but also the most enlightening. We are now engaged, and although he will always be my partner, I've officially upgraded M to Fiancé. May the force be with us! (Just for all the Star Wars fans out there that went to see the episode VIII)

I might have put this quote here before but still very true...

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations" 

P.x 

Overwhelming Thoughts - Post Surgery Update

A little update

I haven't done updates for a while. Christmas has crept up on me and made me feel overwhelmed with a bunch of things that I'd like to share as they are building up on my chest.

I love Christmas and always have, December is my favourite month because my birthday celebrations happen too. Although this year I've been trying to keep busy and do a bunch of things that I've never been able to do while at work because of time and now I'm all prepared for what it looks like a "perfect Christmas" I feel a little bit down every day - there might be another reason for this that I'll explain in a moment - I'm definitely trying to snap out of it and be thankful for what I've got but there's a lot of times that I'm focusing on what I don't have. I'm thankful for having an amazing partner that is sticking with me through thick and thin, my mum that is always on the other side of the phone when she's not making all the efforts to be here by my side, my dad who just came to visit me after not seeing me for 4 years - old grudges got in the way, but peace is made with the past now - my whole family that are on the other side of the video chat, and M's family that are constantly worried about me. Friends are definitely who I miss most this time of the year. Unfortunately everyone is busy or in another country because that's what Christmas is all about: going home and see your family. Now this is where cancer wins a little bit. I won't be able to have my friends/family annual reunion that is now a tradition, and wrongly I feel slightly jealous of everyone that is able to do it and don't appreciate it fully. Don't get me wrong, I'll be spending Christmas surrounded by M's family and my mum and I'm very thankful for it - I just wanted a bit more, that bit more that I have every year that won't be able to have this year, that's all.

I just want you all to be thankful and appreciate the people that are near your this holiday season, don't waste your time with arguments, tell people you love them and swallow whatever pride you have and make contact with that person you haven't spoken to for years. Life is too short.

Now back to the update. Guess what is not pleasant and is back in my life? - Yes, you're right, my period!
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this made me happy for a day or two, and sharing is caring! I'm not happy about it anymore and it can go again - lol - Never thought it would come back this early. It was exactly two months after I finished my Zoladex injections. It's a good sign because it means that I'm not menopausal - yay - but I'm not sure about my fertility yet, will have to check this with the doctors. Basically I think all those feelings I'm having might have to do with my hormones being all over the place too, my body is getting used to "normality" again.

About my post surgery recovery, everything is going well, have been discharged from the physiotherapy and the range of movement is getting better every day, I push it a bit more everyday. The scar tissue under my arm and on my breast are crazy big - looks like I've got a lump similar to the tumour and every day when I touch it doing the cream massage - I panic just a little bit and then tell myself that is scar tissue and it should be fine. I'm letting myself start the radiotherapy and see if it changes and might contact someone at the hospital at the beginning of the year just in case.

Scars are doing well I just hope radiotherapy doesn't change them. This picture was taken in the morning before applying the cream - greasy hands and greasy skin are not photo friendly. I've noticed that the scars are needing 3x more cream than the body, but it's winter and skin dries more anyway. I've been using these two products on my scars, and so far I'm happy. I've got another two lined up for radiotherapy and I can see that will need to moisturise 5 times a day to avoid peeling skin.

Hair is growing - slow-fast - but I'm preparing another post about it.

"Be grateful when things are going your way, be graceful when they're not."

P.x 

Forgive Your Past

Guess what?

Five years ago I was a scary little mess flying to an unknown country, to live and work with strangers and embrace a whole new culture. Every year I get to this day and look back on what I have achieved so far in those conditions. Not everyone is strong enough to live family and friends behind, or 25 years of a "took for granted" life. - But I did, with not one single regret. - I could say it's been hard at times, that I cried so much at the beginning, that had been times that I would go back home every month because I couldn't stand the distance. However it's also been the time that I've accomplished my professional dreams and created a new family. Although all of that is true, it doesn't seem to be the main thing that pops up in my mind on the 6th of December.

I've got cancer... or I had it. According to the papers I've got with me, they say there's no evidence of disease but as this is not over yet, I still feel like something is still wrong inside.

It's December, my favourite time of the year, and I'm pooing my pants with the unknown. Radiotherapy will start soon and it will be 1 year that day that I haven't been "home". Remember when I said I used to go every month? Tough luck.

On the other hand, being in this country for five years made me create the roots I needed, made me meet extraordinary people build up my support system and my new family. So for some reason, I feel that all of this was meant to be. In this exact time, with these exact people I wouldn't be able to do it without. They for sure know who they are.
Ever wonder when someone enters your life how special they are going to be? Yeah me neither, but now I tend to pay more attention to who stays and who goes.

As many cons cancer might have, the biggest pro was making me aware of regrets and grudges. The way it changed my view of people and life in general. How it made me forgive and perhaps store the grudges in a little box on the back of my head.

So today I'd like to take a minute - just the one as I've got a busy day ahead - to reflect on how "lucky" I can consider myself for having the right ones around me.

If I could pass a message on today would be forgive your past. (She says as she's about to pick her dad up from the airport after years of barely no contact)

So now, 6th of December, you too have changed from a reflection on the immigration day to reflection on life day.

P.x