Straight and Shiny

Today I'm trying to accept my hair.

I don't like it, but I'm trying to be grateful - Specially trying hard to ignore the greys.

I must confess there are days I get so annoyed with it that feel like pulling it from the roots and get back to being bald where strangely I feel I looked better - but then occurs to me that it would mean going through this length again to have it long - so then I get angry it's taking so long - to be long. Ha!

I have tried to think about the days it was falling and how I felt about it, but my brain seems to have blocked all of that. I don't remember it falling as vividly as I'd like - or shall I say I wouldn't like?
Back to September where eyebrows and eyelashes were almost nowhere to be seen I started doing this photographic record of my hair growth - because I knew the future me would be thankful for it.

Then I got discouraged and left it for about a month without recording just because I felt it was a complete waste of time - It's not really, but my brain is stubborn and states otherwise. So today I decided to have a bit of fun with it again even though it doesn't make me feel any more girly - at least it made me smile.

If only there was a hairstyle that wouldn't make me look like a boy. This is society's fault. Imprints in our minds that short hair and spiky hair is boy-like. We shouldn't think like it but I'm guilty as charged for thinking like that - having no one else to blame, society is always better to blame than me.
I'm stating to surrender to head bands and they actually look very pretty - thanks S for the advice.

Is it strange that I don't recognise myself in pictures with long hair or in pictures with no hair anymore? It's so weird and I feel weird. Looks like a completely different person - and perhaps it is, I will never be her again - but you never think of that about your pictures. It's in the past, for every minute that passes by, you change, you'll never be the same person you where in that moment that that image was "frozen" forever - Deep!

Throughout this 5 months of hair growth I've tried a few things, some of them worked for me and others didn't. I started with Watermans Grow Me shampoo, a hair mask from Lush called Roots, the Cinnamon Bar from Lush and a scalp oil that I don't remember the name.

I used to moisturise my scalp whilst going through chemo even though I've always had a oily scalp and it was very rare to have dry skin/scalp or dandruff. As you can probably guess by now this is exactly what happened; Since the hair has come back, there is this flaky scalp I can't get rid off. I know if I oil it more, the hair just gets greasier and flakes more - I've had this through my teenage years, trust me it's very annoying - but if I apply the Cinnamon Bar it dries too much and flakes out. So after a few uses, the cinnamon bar was back on "the bench". The hair mask was great and still is when I want to have that minty fresh feeling on my scalp - it's better in the summer - I still use it every so often and doesn't seem to have any implications on my flakiness. About the shampoo, I'm about to finish the bottle and although people swear by it, I don't think it made any difference on my hair growth. My hair has always been a slow grower and I don't believe a shampoo is ever going to change that. I had a break from it for 10 days when I went to Portugal on holiday and I don't think it made any difference in the flakiness (I've used a normal shampoo while over there). So now I've decided to try less chemicals and try an organic shampoo that I found in my supermarket - as I don't believe in spending lots on money on things like that - hoping it works and clears up the scalp once and for all.


Another strange thing that happened after all this time my eyelashes and eyebrows are still falling - less than during chemo - but they are quickly replaced by new ones. (In the picture my eyebrows are filled but the gaps in the eyelashes are easily seen) It might be related to stress and anxiety that I'm going through at the moment or chemo/radiation... I'll ask my oncologist in two weeks when I go for what I hope to be the last appointment ever!



If anyone has any great hair styles for very short hair give me a shout as I'm very open to suggestions.

"Love is in the Hair"

P.x

Post Cancer Blues

I'm back... and after 5 days I've decided to blog.

For the last 3 weeks we've almost lived of packed bags. Great or not, it's been exhausting.

A month post radio and I don't feel any different. Or actually I do. I feel anger and sadness and all the "normal" things the experts say I should be feeling.

The 2 week break from reality was the best time I've had in a year but coming back home brought me back all the memories and stresses that cancer shoved into our lives. It's not been easy and to everyone saying that I look really well - I'm not. Cancer broke me, but somehow I managed to take the Dory approach and "swim" through it. Now the future is so scary and I'm struggling to cope with the daily life. The little things that I used to do with my eyes shut, like washing and cleaning and cooking are now tasks that I struggle with. Don't know how to explain but it feels like there's no point on doing any of it, and the effort of thinking about doing them seems to make them over-complicated and my brain goes into overdrive. 

Was this clear enough? I know it's even confusing to myself.

How bad is it when someone asks you "how are you?" Or "you doing ok?" that you answer with the biggest lie in your mouth "I'm good thanks". Just because it's easy. Just because this answer doesn't have the C word attached to it. Just because I rather lie than say "No, I'm feeling like crap! Yes, I don't look like it, because I smile. But have you looked into my smile? Do you know me that well? What do my eyes say? I want this all to be over, oh wait, it is - but it's not. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare and I'm about to wake up. But days are going by and I don't. I hate myself in the mirror and have no will power to change it. I just don't see the point. I want to fight for the future me but have no more strength. You know all that strength you said I had at the beginning, well that's where it's left - 4 months ago. I want my "normal" life back. I want the baby I was planning for. I want the wedding of a princess. I want the house of my dreams. I want the holiday we both deserve. All I can hear is: you'll have it, you just have to be patient. What if I don't want to? What if I don't have that time to wait? What if in 1 year this nightmare haunts me again? What if I don't have the strength to fight it again? But because all of this is "what ifs" are not the present, I shouldn't focus on them. So I say "I'm ok". Because no one can answer any of these questions and explaining people what is actually going on up on the top floor it's exhausting when they don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want anyone thinking that I only have bad thoughts and life is miserable. Life also has good moments. Moments to be thankful for. Three weeks ago we've spent 10 days back in my home country (Portugal) and despite the fact that I didn't see all the people I'd like to see and got a few disappointments, I ended up having a good time with M, a few days of tourism and "rest" from cancer. Back in the country for a couple of days just to pack again to have my wish come true. An overnight stay in London and 2 tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. We have needed it so badly. Just the two of us. After the hard times that had been upon us, we are needing that time alone with no stresses from the outside world.


Relationships are not easy on a daily basis in a so called "normal life" now when you add the word cancer to it and the stretches of money and mind, only the strong ones can last. Still, you need to nourish that relationship, never take anything for granted. You're in this together and it's hard for you both. If one is going through it, the other one has to deal with the same fears as you plus the biggest one of all: losing you. Be kind. Be kind to your partner and your relationship. Do a lot of romantic things. It's so important to reconnect as many times as you can. Remember you love each other and tell each other everyday - because there will be moments you'll want to bite each other's heads off. Love is a funny and beautiful thing!

This is the reason why this break was important to us and we'll be forever grateful there is charities that provide a stress free experience to people that are in need of it. Don't know if Willow Foundation know how important and how much of a difference they have made. They took all the stress of money and planning out of my hands and it actually felt good because things flew by so naturally and smoothly. 

Sorry for being missing in action but the top floor is in need of attention and I'm working on it. Have therapy booked for this week so fingers crossed. - The top floor is my head by the way for who's wondering...

For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I'm giving up that social network for the time being as it wasn't bringing anything good to my mental health.

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

P.x