Post Cancer Blues

I'm back... and after 5 days I've decided to blog.

For the last 3 weeks we've almost lived of packed bags. Great or not, it's been exhausting.

A month post radio and I don't feel any different. Or actually I do. I feel anger and sadness and all the "normal" things the experts say I should be feeling.

The 2 week break from reality was the best time I've had in a year but coming back home brought me back all the memories and stresses that cancer shoved into our lives. It's not been easy and to everyone saying that I look really well - I'm not. Cancer broke me, but somehow I managed to take the Dory approach and "swim" through it. Now the future is so scary and I'm struggling to cope with the daily life. The little things that I used to do with my eyes shut, like washing and cleaning and cooking are now tasks that I struggle with. Don't know how to explain but it feels like there's no point on doing any of it, and the effort of thinking about doing them seems to make them over-complicated and my brain goes into overdrive. 

Was this clear enough? I know it's even confusing to myself.

How bad is it when someone asks you "how are you?" Or "you doing ok?" that you answer with the biggest lie in your mouth "I'm good thanks". Just because it's easy. Just because this answer doesn't have the C word attached to it. Just because I rather lie than say "No, I'm feeling like crap! Yes, I don't look like it, because I smile. But have you looked into my smile? Do you know me that well? What do my eyes say? I want this all to be over, oh wait, it is - but it's not. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare and I'm about to wake up. But days are going by and I don't. I hate myself in the mirror and have no will power to change it. I just don't see the point. I want to fight for the future me but have no more strength. You know all that strength you said I had at the beginning, well that's where it's left - 4 months ago. I want my "normal" life back. I want the baby I was planning for. I want the wedding of a princess. I want the house of my dreams. I want the holiday we both deserve. All I can hear is: you'll have it, you just have to be patient. What if I don't want to? What if I don't have that time to wait? What if in 1 year this nightmare haunts me again? What if I don't have the strength to fight it again? But because all of this is "what ifs" are not the present, I shouldn't focus on them. So I say "I'm ok". Because no one can answer any of these questions and explaining people what is actually going on up on the top floor it's exhausting when they don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want anyone thinking that I only have bad thoughts and life is miserable. Life also has good moments. Moments to be thankful for. Three weeks ago we've spent 10 days back in my home country (Portugal) and despite the fact that I didn't see all the people I'd like to see and got a few disappointments, I ended up having a good time with M, a few days of tourism and "rest" from cancer. Back in the country for a couple of days just to pack again to have my wish come true. An overnight stay in London and 2 tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. We have needed it so badly. Just the two of us. After the hard times that had been upon us, we are needing that time alone with no stresses from the outside world.


Relationships are not easy on a daily basis in a so called "normal life" now when you add the word cancer to it and the stretches of money and mind, only the strong ones can last. Still, you need to nourish that relationship, never take anything for granted. You're in this together and it's hard for you both. If one is going through it, the other one has to deal with the same fears as you plus the biggest one of all: losing you. Be kind. Be kind to your partner and your relationship. Do a lot of romantic things. It's so important to reconnect as many times as you can. Remember you love each other and tell each other everyday - because there will be moments you'll want to bite each other's heads off. Love is a funny and beautiful thing!

This is the reason why this break was important to us and we'll be forever grateful there is charities that provide a stress free experience to people that are in need of it. Don't know if Willow Foundation know how important and how much of a difference they have made. They took all the stress of money and planning out of my hands and it actually felt good because things flew by so naturally and smoothly. 

Sorry for being missing in action but the top floor is in need of attention and I'm working on it. Have therapy booked for this week so fingers crossed. - The top floor is my head by the way for who's wondering...

For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I'm giving up that social network for the time being as it wasn't bringing anything good to my mental health.

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

P.x