The last round - 8/8! Finally

Yesterday I had my last chemo!

The last! Finally!

After been delayed twice due to my horrible cold and mess up with appointments, I've finally done it. It has been an extremely anxious two days before chemo and I didn't want to talk much about it as I was dreading all the feelings, the happiness/sadness and mental numbness. - Yes I felt all of that. 

Although it should be a happy moment, it's an ok moment for me and this is still half way. 

On the other hand, this horrible fase of my life is finally over. There's still a lot to come, a lot of worrying in my head, but chemo that made me feel miserable, is out of the way. Inside I'm thrilled, but outside I'm only relieved a little bit. M is the same, we know the worse part is behind us but the fight is not over yet. 

To all the fighters out there, hang in there, it might seem the end of the world, but you can do it, we all can! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much to all of you that made me believe all of the above and always believed in my success through the worst time of my life.
To the ones that will never understand, please be kind, be kind to one another, you never know what battles people are fighting.- If I wear a wig and makeup and I'm not able to climb a flight of stairs or walk up a hill I get looked at, because I look young and look "normal" and you're older than me, you have no idea of what I'm struggling with. - Be kind, always. Aim to do something nice for someone every day. Be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful every day for the people I have in my life and the right people I managed to keep close. They're definitely the ones that matter. I'm thankful for being alive one more day and be able to get out of bed and smile, see M smile. Thankful for having two loving families and two countries I can call home. Thankful for being able to do so many things by myself and I fight for it every day.
Chemo, you might have destroyed my body buy haven't destroyed my will power.
I'm not gonna lie that I had an awful load of bad days that getting out of bed and get dressed was a mental struggle, but there was more days that the struggle was overcome by the mind. I must confess that for a lot of meet ups with friends I didn't feel like going or felt confident enough to fit in some baggy clothes - weight gain is a big issue (see what I did there? lol) - but I did it, just because I knew I had to do it, because if I didn't that wouldn't be me.
Cancer, you might have changed my body, you might have changed my life perspective, but you haven't changed me.

To all of you that are fighting a battle, my thoughts are with you. Most of all, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry, or shout, or not get out of bed if you have to. But then get up and fight, you're are always stronger than you think, and if you've come this far is because you can make it. In my opinion, things always happen for a reason and at the right time, just as a learning curve in life. Whatever it is and as much as it hurts, it will pass. 

Lots of love too all of you!

"My scars tell a story, they are reminders that life tried to break me, but failed."

P.x

Back Before The Last

I'm back!

After a few lumps on the road. I'm back.
I confess that before the laptop charger broke, I was not at my very best for writing, then when the laptop was working again, I came down with this horrible cold and spent the whole of last week in bed.

Trying to pick up where I left off last time - It's been almost a month!! - I've done round 7 of chemo and almost about to do round 8 - And LAST!!!!

The last round I had to take something for my anxiety. For some reason, I get to the 3rd lot of drugs and start developing a certain anxiety for going to hospital and have that poison injected in my blood. I know it's doing me good, but it's making me feel horrible - There's no winning. Well there is, but not the kind of winning I'd like!
Sitting there for 5 hours, doesn't help, and the fact that it drains the life out of me, doesn't help either. I keep hoping it gets better but it doesn't. I can't wait for chemo to be over - nasty horrible poison from hell!

Last week was extremely emotional for M and I again. We went back to the beginning for a while. Back to the same unit that we went on the 1st of April, with the same caring and compassionate Radiologist that we met the first time - and told us "it's not a normal lump" - for another reassuring scan to tell us "there's nothing there" - with a big smile on her face, opposed to my scared little girl face. Tears poured once again as the word surgery came up. It had been such a scary thought for me for a whole week. I'd been fretting that day so much. Meeting with the surgeon that saw me the first day and broke the news 10 days later brings back memories of what I don't want to go through again. Questions - millions - flood my brain, same with emotional pain. When you have something that threats your life the way cancer does, all you want to do is kill it once and for all. So, for a moment all I wanted was both breasts removed - get it all out before it comes back again. - but then you are told that it doesn't kill the chances down to 0% - and you think, what now? 
First there's what you're most afraid of: Recurrence/Survival, Removing a part of you, Deformity.
- then -
There's 3 options:
Double Mastectomy - You loose both of your breasts - the ones you've known all your life and accepted as part of you - have them reconstructed just to be destroyed by radiotherapy and have deformed wonky boobs - The worst of your fears as you've always been so conscious about the appearance of your boobs. - Doesn't make recurrence chances 0% as they aren't able to eliminate every single breast tissue. They still remove a part of you. You won't be able to breastfeed ever again. You get a fresh start and a boob job.

One Sided Mastectomy - You loose the cancerous breast, have it reconstructed, won't ever look like the other one anyway after the reconstruction, will be deformed by radiotherapy and still doesn't make recurrence chances down to 0%. You'll still be able to breast feed with the other breast.

Lumpectomy - You only have a small part of your breast removed (where the lump was), - but you get to keep what's yours - get it reshaped with the fatty tissue left in there, it gets smaller than the other one - no one will notice but you will. It's still your breast and you're very judgemental - Radiotherapy will make it weird/wonky for almost a good part of a year and the recurrence is still not 0%. You might get 50% lucky and be able to breastfeed with the affected breast and the other breast.

No matter what I choose, it's never going to be what I wanted, it's never going to be good news, it's never going to be a good choice or a easy one. I would rather not have any of this done. Even though I've moaned about my boobs during the last 20 years, - who doesn't - I would rather not have them changed. Makes you appreciate yourself and what you have so much.
In that matter I don't have a choice anymore. One of the above options will have to happen if I want to survive.
Then they mention lymphnodes removal - and the scar is going to be even scarier than the one on your boob - and that it can cause lymphoedema - and the way they say it, makes it so scary your other half that is not a nurse thinks the worse and is afraid it will be permanent - Still, I'll have to stop carrying my hand bag on that arm, won't be able to lift any weights on that arm - shopping is going to turn out very difficult indeed as I carry everything with my left arm to leave the right hand do the browsing.

So all of this has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. And as if that wasn't enough, I've caught a nasty cold, spiked temperature and ended up having to spend a night in A&E to make sure it was nothing more than a cold. My bloods seem to be fine but I need to clear the symptoms 48hrs before having the last one. meaning that I won't have my last chemo tomorrow as expected but will have on Friday the 22nd - fingers crossed the cold will be gone by then.

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

P.x