Bras and Boobs

Yesterday I went to my Pre Op assessment.

Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!

If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.

I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.

This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.

Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.

So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.

Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.

P.x

Just a Fluff

Tuesday was a celebration day!

It's only a little thing but made me feel way more excited than I probably should, so I'd like o share it with you too.

I have wet hair! How exciting is that? My hair has grown enough to get wet! It's only a tiny bit of hair and still very patchy but it's hair and made us laugh - we do laugh at silly things like hair! What is not to laugh about.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost nonexistent. I'm almost pro at filling eyebrows now - I'm a bit of eyebrow freak for the ones that don't know - if there's something I can't leave the house without is my eyebrows. Its just makes such a difference and I look a complete different person - specially if I look back to pictures from January.

Also, Tuesday was my first day of exercising. Went for a - very - long walk with S - my phone recorded 7km and that's a hell of a lot for a first time. Since then I've been walking every day for a good 30min and muscles have been aching again - which is good. Apart from the fact that my feet are still feeling weird and ache more than they should but I will persevere because this chemo weight needs to go - has been here for way too long.

I've noticed that some of the swelling from steroids/chemo has gone - but not all of it unfortunately. Eating healthy - well... having M making me eat healthy - has definitely made a difference and thankfully I didn't put as much weight as I imagined. Still have to live in my gym clothes and two pairs of jeans - the only ones that fit me - and jumpers because it's the only thing that goes with trainers - the only thing I'm able to wear at the moment as feet swelling and aching is still a thing. - I don't feel like vitamin B6 given by the oncologist is doing anything to be honest but I'll still take it.

I'm so so glad chemo and injections are over. They were definitely my worst nightmare. Sometimes I stop to think about these last 6 months of my life and how quick they have gone but how slow some of the days were too. Some of them I remember so vividly like it was yesterday and some of them are just a blur but I'm glad to think that better days are finally coming and I can't wait.

"Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

P.x 

"Dear Cancer Love Victoria"

Last Sunday I've met a very inspiring woman.

Victoria Derbshire

She's a journalist and a breast cancer survivor! She's wrote a book/diary of her journey and she's now inspiring so many of us. There was tears and laughter in that book presentation but everything was so real. Seeing someone with that kind of strength makes me want to be even better and push my limits. If she managed to do it why shouldn't I?

I was so glad I met Victoria, that professional diary writer, that was kind enough to listen to my story and ask questions about me, humble enough to ask if her speech wasn't too harsh. Victoria is also giving all her profits from the book to charity. One of them being YouCan.
This charity has helped so many of us and has so much to offer. I am so glad they took me under their wing and do everything they can to make me feel better.

Going out and do things is a big thing for me lately. I feel like my comfort place is at home and everywhere I go I feel like I don't belong there or feel uncomfortable and in a rush to come back to my safe place. I do still force myself to go out because that is not me, I'd be the one very excited to go on a London trip and the fact that I cried before I went is not a good sign. I don't know if it's because I feel conscious that people look at me because I'm a baldie or because clothes don't fit me and I'm not very glam, or it's probably just in my head and I'm just not comfortable with myself.

I don't think surgery will help with any of this as the idea of taking away a part of myself goes around in my head over and over again. I just hope I don't get more conscious of my body than I already am. I do admire all of you ladies that come out bravely after your surgeries no matter how your breasts look to you in the mirror. It's such a personal thing and it's part of our femininity.
To all the ones that keep trying to say "it's just a breast", "at least you'll get rid of cancer" that's not really the case. It's MY breast and cancer will always be a part of my life - so will that wonky breast and those scars to remind me. It's something I'm going to lose not being my fault. So please don't judge me or anyone that might cry because their breasts are wonky or too small or whatever they struggle with.

"Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace"

P.x 

Awareness Above All

Welcome October!

And apart from being the first day of the month, it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Today it's been 6 months since I've had my lump checked and heard those awful words: "It doesn't look good" that made my heart sink.
Six months that so much happened that made me grow as a person and appreciate every bit of life that we have.

I want to make people aware that cancer will be part of your life one day. It might be you, your friend, your mum, your dad or children. I don't wish any of this to happen to anyone but the truth is, you can't run away from it. So let's face it! Let's learn with it, let's learn how to fight it and deal with it.
I've learnt that cancer brings more people together than drives apart, that brings kindness to people's hearts and forgiveness above all.
If cancer invaded your life as it has invaded mine, take it in, and fight it. It will make you stronger, it will make you a better person. We don't know where our life journey will take us, so, enjoy each day as if it's the last and don't waste your time with hate and grudges. Love and be kind.

But in the mean time: Check your Breasts! Check your partner's breasts! Tell your children and your parents to check their breasts! - Yes, male are included in this - (They are great things to hold on to - lol)

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference" 

P.x