Metanoia / 4 Rounds Down

Incredible the way that the brain works.

One moment you're anxious about something and then you get distracted and it's not there anymore until you think about it again.

Sickness is a huge huge thing for me. And this "Red Devil" as they call it is making me have horrible sickness thoughts because of how it makes me feel. As the nurse was giving it to me all I could focus on was my stomach and the taste on the back of my mouth, and how do I know it's caused by my brain? Because as soon as she started making conversation the feeling disappeared... how does that work brain?

Another chemo week has gone. I'm so tired and had enough of chemo already, and the fact that I don't know what the end is yet, makes the fear of the unknown even worse.

The sickness has been slightly better... like 10% better (I've bought sea bands and think they are doing it's job). But now as the time and chemo sessions go by my gastritis thought it was a good time to come out to play. Acid reflux, bloatedness, heart burn, horrible taste in my mouth and feeling of burnt tongue make me feel miserable. One of the things that I love and I was able to drink during this week was orange juice, and now I can't as it makes me feel worse. I just can't wait for chemo to be over. Just feels like it's eating me from the inside and every time is slightly different. I'm so afraid of it now, makes my heart race and stomach turn every time I think of it. I know it's probably only two more to go but every week I go through it feels like I'm not gonna have the strength to go through the next one. People look at me and see the strong me and "how well you are coping with it... you look so well". That's bullshit. Inside I'd rather be sedated and not having to deal with it. It's an absolute torture feeling your own body turn against you and even though I'm hungry or thirsty, I can't stand the thought of it either. How does that work as "doing well"?  Want to know more that I don't talk about everyday? My mucosa (the inside skin) is very thin; and chemo makes me constipated. Has anyone ever had the feeling of being cut from the inside every time you go to the toilet? Well I do now and it hurts like hell. It might seem that I'm very strong but I feel a complete wreck.

I look myself in the mirror and there's a grey undertone, there's darkness under my eyes, there's sadness in my smile and a drop on my expression. That's not me. Where am I? I know I'm behind that, somewhere...

I feel like nothing good is happening, there's no solutions and the problems just pile up. 

Cancer - Chemo - Sickness - Gastritis - Reflux - Tooth ache (again) - Antibiotics - Gastritis - Repeat. Light at the end of the tunnel where are you?

Will my sanity hold on until I get there? I do focus on everything happens for a reason, and if some things make sense, other's don't.

Mum didn't come this time as we both needed a break, a bit of space as it's been mentally draining for both. So on chemo week my little old T was taken to the vets to be diagnosed with a "broken heart" (heart failure if we say it by the book... but I believe she has a broken heart, as I've got one too). 

Shall I thank the universe for allowing my mum to be there at the right time to be able to treat it immediately instead of going a week too late? Or shall I thank it for "everything happens for a reason" that I can't be there for T or I couldn't go to my best friends wedding - as per my theory, one day I will find why.

Life is so unfair... I wish I could be hugging them.

Now there's my challenge: Find the positives!

P.x

Run Unicorn Run

What an amazing experience.

For a change I had a good couple of days.

Well... as good as they can get

Not sure where even to begin. Wednesday was a very especial and sad and disappointing day - It's all to do with expectations.
I'm going to blame "chemo brain" for the fact that when they rang me to book an appointment with the oncologist she said "20 past 4" and I wrote on my calendar "20 past 14" - huge fail! Was it? - Everything happens for a reason. And this time we were meant to be at the hospital at 14.30 to meet S. 

For some reason we were meant to get into each others lives and we hope it is to help each other going through all of this. She's around our age and she's going through the same journey as me. It was both very nice and very sad to meet someone "like me". I don't want anyone to go through this... specially when we are so young but I think it was meant to be... and this has to have a reason! One day we will find out. S if you ever read this, you made my day feel a bit more special, and for that, thank you. The Oncologist appointment that followed filled us with disappointment. The ones who expected coming out of that room with answers, came out with even more questions. As far as ultrasounds go, they're not reliable, so MRI it is - remember that horrible machine that I had to face down and my arm went numb? Yup... have to do it again! Gee thanks! So now we'll have to wait for those results to have the confirmation that the breast is clean and, if it is then we go down to 6 rounds of EC, if there's a tiny bit left, we'll carry on with the 4+4 as initially planned. 

Not sure which one to look forward to. As EC gives me the horrible sickness and the other one they might change me too, doesn't - my first world problems.

Friday being pre chemo bloods day I was back to the hospital again. People all around were so nice, cheerful and lovely and that definitely put me in a good mood - note that my headscarf had a few compliments too!!(If not the star of the day!) 

Been making myself really busy on the last few days trying not to think about chemo. Is making me slightly - a lot - anxious. Don't want to feel sick again or have the funny turns I had last time. But keep telling myself is doing me good! - It's working! It's helping!

Along with my busy days I've been going to the gym for long walks on the treadmill and surely that is making me feel a bit better!? Exercising is definitely one of the best medicines. And why have I started this you ask?
Yesterday we finished a 5km walk/run and I'm extremely proud of everyone that did it with us. It felt so good. Felt like we can overcome any challenge that is given to us. Not sure if it was because I was surrounded by friends but it definitely felt easier than it looked!

Such a great experience that I definitely want to repeat. A great feeling of accomplishment. 

It might seem a small thing for a lot of people but for me felt like I gained control of myself even just for an hour and that felt amazing!!!
If you really want something then do it! (Even if it feels impossible, the feeling of accomplishment overcomes the fear.)

We would like to thank to everyone that sponsored us and ran/walked along side and the ones that cheered from home. We had lots of fun and a great time!

Today spent the entire day food prepping for the next week - as mum is not going to be around this time - and being extremely anxious about tomorrow. Had a bit of a panic cry and felt sick too, not sure if it's because I'm anxious or something I've eaten but I'm sure is my brain's fault!

Another round tomorrow - and MRI - really don't want to go... but I have to.

"Remember, however bad things might be right now, this moment will pass and your life will continue to be a good one."

P.x

There is Always Room For Improvement

How do you snap out of something?

You go and change your attitude towards it! Wish it was that simple...

I'm trying. I promise I am! There has been tiny changes/improvement... or perhaps there was only the need to change/improve.

I'm not crying as much (only once a week) and not staying in bed as much - just enough to catch on the sleep that I don't seem to have overnight as the hot flushes and the cold air outside don't seem to agree or work together. 

I've decided to add important sayings to the Positivity Board. 

(And what is this Positivity Board you ask?) 

- The positivity board was my small diy project during the 10 days we waited for the diagnose. Something to keep me sane that week. Where we wrote and asked some people to write on to give us some positives to look at. -

Things like "Stop asking why me?" and "You didn't do this to yourself" are now part of it. And I'm starting to believe it. Don't think I've ever done anything that terrible that made Karma drop this in my life. Although I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason will come later in life, maybe it's not even directly related to me, maybe I will never find out, but I will learn from the whole experience. I'm already learning.

Yesterday I went back to the gym after a very long time. Medication is changing my body. Even though I'm careful with what I eat everyday (

) my body has changed very rapidly in the last couple of months, and I know that most of it is medication related so I'm not beating myself to much about it (but I am...). So yesterday got my arse out of bed - there's a change/improvement - and went shopping for clothes that actually fit me - yes, I'm going up a size...- and made myself go to the gym (only for a 30min walk but was enough). Gym was packed and all I could think was: people are gonna look at the scarf and start thinking what is she doing here? - Well the answer is...I'm trying to be healthier... trying to hold myself into the health I still have and work it out, hoping that exercising will make me feel better through the next round of chemo, and lately, prepare myself to walk 5k next Saturday. I've decided to do it just because I want to prove myself that I can do it and I'm still a normal person and cancer won't take it away from me. So we do appreciate anyone who wants to join us (M, a few friends and I)  https://www.bigfunrun.com/maidstone/ there are still entries available, or even if you just want to come and watch and have a bit of fun! If , on the other hand, you fancy supporting us, we do have a JustGiving page available that our neighbours started for us: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/patricia-venancio 

Anyway you want to get involved, please do! I do promise next year I'll plan this a bit better with more people and do it with more people that want to get involved. 

"It takes courage to face one's shortcomings; and wisdom to do something about them."

P.x 

3 Rounds Down! | Grief

Who said that grief is only when you lose a loved one?

No one ever talks about self loss.

Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?

I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.

Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!

Chemo day was a bit of a rollercoaster, my liver decided that was a bit tired for a couple of days and decided to report that in the blood tests, so I had to have them repeated before starting chemo - 1 hour and a half delay. Not sure if it was hot, or if it was my hormones, or the fact that for the first time I had to stay there for lunch and eat while having chemo, or all of the above, but a hot flush whilst eating a jacket potato and having epiribucin was not the best experience ever - definitely. And another 20min delay to calm down - starting to love that place - not! Then as if all of it wasn't enough, the side effects of the other drug kicked in more than ever. Felt so so dizzy and completely zoned out and banged up nose - more than the previous times. Another 30min to settle myself down - and I just wanted to leave.
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week.  Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.

On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.

I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...

I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.  

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

P.x