Who said that grief is only when you lose a loved one?
No one ever talks about self loss.
Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?
I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.
Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!
Chemo day was a bit of a rollercoaster, my liver decided that was a bit tired for a couple of days and decided to report that in the blood tests, so I had to have them repeated before starting chemo - 1 hour and a half delay. Not sure if it was hot, or if it was my hormones, or the fact that for the first time I had to stay there for lunch and eat while having chemo, or all of the above, but a hot flush whilst eating a jacket potato and having epiribucin was not the best experience ever - definitely. And another 20min delay to calm down - starting to love that place - not! Then as if all of it wasn't enough, the side effects of the other drug kicked in more than ever. Felt so so dizzy and completely zoned out and banged up nose - more than the previous times. Another 30min to settle myself down - and I just wanted to leave.
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week. Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.
On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.
I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...
I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.
No one ever talks about self loss.
Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?
I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.
Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week. Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.
On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.
I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...
I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.
"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.
P.x
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