Six Rounds Done - Two to Go!

Yesterday was cycle 6.

Two more to go.

These rounds are going quicker than the others but I feel like I'm not moving forward. Still so much to go through, and every thing seems to frustrate me. I'm getting obsessed with stupid little things because my world is confined to one place and I have nothing else to worry about or any plans to look forward to - at least not until this ends.

My dose got reduced to 80% now to prevent the numbness getting worse and I'm now on vitamin B6 to help with it too - another tablet to take.

Last week I lost my best friend. I know a lot of people don't understand the love some of us have for our little fury friends, but for some of us they are part of our family and their loss hurts as much as a family member. This brought me down to square one emotionally.








Baking is not bringing me particular joy as before. Tried crochet a few weeks ago but had to undo the whole thing as didn't fit properly. Now I'm trying it again but not doing well with the stitch count. Feel like giving up on it but I know I shouldn't. I should persist until I get it right. It's just my frustration taking the best of me.

Sleepless nights are probably not helping. Last night only managed to sleep at 3am and as always a very broken sleep - probably didn't help the fact that I slept most of yesterday during treatment and a nap when I got home. But that anti-histamine completely knocks me out.

M and me had a lovely date night and we completely forgot to take pictures of ourselves to remind us of the good times - what a fail!

"We must have perseverance and most of all confidence in ourselves"

P.x 

Five Rounds Down - Three To Go!

One week post new chemo.

So far so good. (ish) - Fingers crossed, people, fingers crossed!

Back to chemo day, I felt anxious, but not as anxious as last time. Not sure if the NLP (as explained on the last blog) helped or if I was just less anxious because I knew it would be different - I'm gonna go with both - We knew it would be a long one too so we took food and lots to "play with" - Yes, first time I managed to eat while having chemo and not feel sick (I did make an effort as I've decided that chemo wasn't taking the best of me) - Unfortunately or fortunately I slept through the whole thing - I did wake up to go toilet and eat I confess! -  But the pre-chemo drugs knocked me out completely, I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt sorry for M as he was "on his own" for a good part of it - He must love me! 💗- Four hours went by and I didn't feel sick! - Can you tell how big of a deal this is for me?

Day 2 post chemo started to feel the side effects. Woke up with numbness on my ring and little finger on my right hand - this can't be just it...last time started small and built up to a lot of symptoms.

Day 3 Oh THE numbness! That's what people were talking about. Mr Numb has taken over my hands, and feet, and I think perhaps some part of my legs... not quite sure, as now I don't feel much anyway... Do you know that weird feeling when you're holding hair clippers for a long time that your hand goes numb because of the vibration of it? That's exactly how my hands and feet feel all the time. Now, add a bit of fluid retention, mix it all in, and what do you get? Numb puffy feet! And now you ask: How are you supposed to walk? The answer is: With a smile on my face and a bunch of sarcastic smart answers. (Hunching, slowly, saying ouch for every other step - but smiling!)

Day 5 Think about all the things that I'm already feeling... - or not feeling, I haven't quite figured this out yet! - and add the injections that I cherish so much. Welcome ankle pain! Just because I knew you just wanted to make my life easier. Do you know what? I still don't care, because I'm not feeling sick - and getting high on codeine is a bit fun. 

Now talking seriously, give me all the pain instead of sickness and I'll be happy. I'm not moaning - much - about the pain, just sharing the experience. It's not easy, but it's easier. At least from my point of view. Typing is rather strange as the feeling under my fingers is something new to me. I'm sure that I'm losing the sense of smell a little too. Sleeping has been my nightmare. The night of day two I had to sleep on the living room sofa to get my own space and ended up sleeping on my front for 2 hours, in the most weird position, but having the front of my legs against something was the only way to rest them. The next day made myself go for a 50min walk (pain or no pain) to get myself tired and perhaps relax the muscles enough, and it did work! Slept a whole 5.30 hours. The pain on my feet the next day was the worst... but totally worth it for a nights sleep!
And because I was in so much pain the next day, I've decided to up the game on the painkillers - as I was barely taking any...I do avoid them like the plague - Paracetamol was taken before bed together with the codeine - hoping for a good night sleep - 5 hours in, I woke up in my own personal paddling pool. Never thought one lady could sweat so much. Through to the mattress, through the covers - couldn't even flip them - Panic mode on! Not sure if it was a stupidly hot flush or if I spiked temperature. Had no energy the whole day, but could be dehydration, however temperature maintained itself stable, so I'm still trying to find out what happened.

Wow, now that I put this in words, this has been quite an eventful week!

Today, I went back to the hospital again, this time for something fun and exciting. However my stomach didn't feel the same for a few moments. On the way there, M was driving - which makes my brain available to wonder and overthink - I had this feeling of sickness that went away as I got there. Anxiety, my old friend, you're such a powerful mind gamer.

Look Good, Feel Better - So I did! Pampering session for the baldies! I now know how to apply eyeshadow and blush - I'm a little proud of myself - and have a bag full of goodies worth approximately £200. Not bad at all for a Monday!

"There is no passion to be found in playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

P.x

Reality of The Brave

Back to reality!

We've had a week off. Disconnected from the world. No social media, no phone during the day, only turning on at night for a couple of hours of catching up with friends and family.
It was so so nice. I'd love to do it again.
Although the sun wasn't out much - not that I can lay on it anyway - we are slowly learning how to dance in the rain!

The week before we went to Broadstairs for a week away we had another check up with the oncologist. Turns out the MRI shows my breast is clear of the tumour, there's only the margins left to be removed by surgery. With this, my case was discussed in this meeting between oncologists and nurses and they all decided that I should have the initial planned chemo: 4 of EC + 4 of Paclitaxel, meaning that I will start a brand new chemo this week! Some would say these are bad news, I'd say they are good! Despite the fact they are only doing this because the survival rates are better with the combination of the two instead of giving me the 6 doses of the first one (reacting good or not) but to me it's a bit more than that: it's saying goodbye to all the gastric complications the other chemo was bringing me. I was living in my own personal hell and not coping with it anymore. NLP seems to be doing it's job now. The week before holiday, along with my regular counselling and reflexology session, I had something called NeuroLinguistic Programming. I was developing anxiety related to chemo as my mind was associating it to all the side effects going around my body, so YouCan (the charity that has been helping me) suggested I had something else to help me and I do think it's working - although I might have been a bit sceptic about it, now I think I believe a little bit.
Now I'll be getting ready to face new symptoms - they say it's not so much gastric but more aches and pains, and I think I'm ok with it. I do believe aches and pains are more easy to manage than sickness and the fact that I can't even drink when I'm thirsty. It might be a bit scary not knowing what's coming, and having to re-learn new symptoms and deal with them but I feel strong and ready to face them - as long as it's not sickness. (Can you tell how traumatised I am from it?)

The week off made me think of a couple of hobbies I want to have, but I'm still trying to plan them appropriately. Seeing that I still have a few months ahead of me with chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, I really need a hobby that keeps my mind off of things - and yes, knitting might be one of them, typical right? Jigsaw puzzles might be the other one - I seem to be quite obsessed about finishing them no matter how hard they are - M even said I get quite bossy, and I kinda do! But about that, I'll keep you posted - still open to suggestions though.

Some people say that times like this we just want to forget, to get over them and leave them behind.
I think that we should never forget. If we had this put in our path, it's because there's a reason, we should never forget it, never leave it behind, but embrace it and always remember how it made you feel. Times like this make you grow and take a different perspective on life, and for that reason I chose to make it eternal. Estelle Thompson Photography helped us with it. Her energy gave us the confidence to be brave in front of a camera and make a sad situation in our lives into a fun and beautiful moment that we can look back and say: we've made it. There's 120 pictures that are so awesome and I'll leave a couple for you to see. E was an absolute Angel that showed up in our lives. Thank you so so much!

And I know I've missed the 1st of the month but it's never late to check your boobies!! Today might make a difference.

"Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet"

P.x