Small (Big) Achievements

Today I feel happy!

So I've decided to share!

Do you ever feel you go through life not noticing the good things that are happening instead of focusing on the bad things that happen only occasionally? - When you have a headache, you say to people: "I've got a headache..." but when you don't have one, you probably don't celebrate - every day - the fact that you haven't got one.

Gratitude! That's what I'm talking about. Daily gratitude.

Funny thing happened yesterday that I'm trying not to focus too much on - at least the negative side of it. Every day at work I make myself climb 3/4 flights of stairs (depending where I park my car), not only because I'm trying to be healthy, but because I want to improve myself and be the best version of me. So yesterday, as I was doing my usual stair climbing in the morning - and I must say I'm not a morning person - this other lady, older than me, walked past me and said: "Come on, it's only morning, you should have a little more energy", I politely smiled and said: "I'm just not a morning person." Although at that point I felt judged by her. I just wish people wouldn't assume you are healthy and fit just because you look it. But then, instead of focusing on the negative thoughts all this could lead to, I've decided to celebrate the achievement.
- A lot of people would take the lift, and I take the stairs
- Two months ago I would have to stop half way to catch my breath
- One month ago I would get in the department and would barely be able to say good morning without having to catch breath between the good and the morning.
- Today I reach the department door almost catching my breath.
One step at a time. I will get the fitness level I'm aiming for. I am doing the best as I can with what I have!

Also yesterday, for the first time in a few weeks I realised something that I can't remember when was the last time I had noticed it. My irradiated nipple stopped being over sensitive. The funny thing is I used to notice it every day even clothes rubbing against it would bother me, and now it stopped but I just don't know when. I stopped focusing on that, because it stopped being a problem, but forgot to appreciate the fact that it doesn't bother me as much anymore. Same with my joint aches, when did they stop? I have no idea. The only thing I know is I had them in January and now I don't.

It's definitely a process, things don't stop from one day to the other, they get better slow and steady without you even noticing, until you do and they'll be gone. It's a little bit every day, like M always say: It's like making a sculpture, you chisel a little bit every day.

And then, today, for the first in 5 months I touched my toes when stretching!!!

This might seem a silly achievement for the majority of the population but it's a huge one that I've been trying to conquer for a long time! And once again: A little bit every day!

The lesson for today is: Whatever your struggle is today, and whatever you're aiming for in the future, it will get better, and you'll get there. Slow and steady - just like the Tortoise!

P.x

Life After Cancer and Yearly Scans

Three weeks ago I went once again to another appointment to where it all began.

This time a very hopeful and quick mammogram - the yearly one that I will be invited to every April until I'm 50.

Went back a week later to be seen by the surgeon to have a chat and the results. To my surprise, it wasn't the surgeon that was waiting me. As much as I love Dr W. I know she's never a carrier of good news, and I only realised this when I walked in the room with her and the words "I wasn't expecting to see you" came out of my mouth. - Wait! Dr. W is the consultant Radiologist. She's the one who saw my scans and perhaps wants to discuss them a bit further instead of a "all good you can go, see you next year" kind of thing. - For a split second I didn't know what to feel, but as charming as Dr W. is she instantly explained the situation. They found something in the scan, but the previous mammogram they have is pre-surgery and as the tissues inside have been moved and scar tissue has been formed, it's hard to see what's good and what's not. For this they are trained to think the worst. To act quick. To save our lives. I did explain that since my surgery I had this blob of scar tissue that doesn't allow me to have full range of movement of my arm, and for one she said it was good that I hadn't felt any changes, but we still had to check. Obviously there was tears, I wasn't expecting this. I was expecting a 5 min appointment where someone would say everything is ok.

Going into the ultrasound/biopsy room again is my worst nightmare as brings so many bad memories. The panic is always there, the "what if's" become so real. They need to start giving a heads up -"On your first scan there's 90% chances you'll be called back because the scar tissue looks like cancer in mammograms and we need to be sure" - If no one ever told you this, here's me paying my good deed to the world.
Turns out my big annoying scar does look like cancer but fortunately it's just a scar! Phew! - That's that worry gone!!!

Another thing I've been worrying about thought, is the risk of lymphoedema, I live in a terrible fear that it might happen. Around a month or so ago I woke up with a swollen chest, full of indents from the bed sheets and, as it's natural, I panicked. After a conversation with breast care nurse and reassurance from the doctor on my results appointment, it's been said that it is definitely oedema but more caused by tissue damaged from radiotherapy. Apparently it is one of the side effects from it, so I will have to cope with it. For how long? 6 months to 2 years is how long radiotherapy effects can linger in your body! - Oh great! - Any tips to avoid it? Lay on the other side so there's not that much fluid build up on that side - Oh and have a terrible and broken night sleep because you'll be constantly thinking about what side you're laying on (as if you didn't have enough sleep issues already with a wondering mind).

Being on this side of the endless tunnel, I can safely say the cancer journey is more difficult when it comes to an end. At least for most people is.
When I was faced with the diagnose, although I didn't really wanted to believe it, I kinda did what I always do in difficult situations: get on with it until you finish it, so then you can relax.
Perhaps that was the best way to deal with it for a very long time: don't think, just do it. So my soul just travelled through treatment and life for 10 whole months. And then it stopped. Do you know what happens when you suddenly do an emergency stop? Everything stays still. And your body feels numb with the adrenaline, you can't breath, you CAN'T relax! - This was me for the last 3 months.

I went through a very dark place. Questioned everything and everyone. Made life a little bit miserable for the person that had been there for me during every pain and every smile. Made life miserable for myself. I've realised I blocked so many memories that sometimes I go back to and think "how did I even manage that?" I stopped being the cheerful person I've always known to be this dark soul just floating around pretending to live a life among the living. I had nothing to look forward to, nothing to be happy about, nothing I was proud of. Only anger. There's still some of it remaining, but it comes and goes, in pair with gratitude. I'm now thankful for so many things and starting to feel the joys of life. I'm back to work and I've got my purpose again. I'm reconnecting with M and with myself. I'm finding my life again and my routines, learning the new me, the new us.

We can now understand how much cancer can affect a relationship. It's not just the physical side of things, it's the mental strain, the goals that change, the beliefs, the daily life. It's an atomic bomb that gets dropped and you are both left with the pieces to glue back together without the picture of what it was before. It's facing a future of uncertainty but still want to face it together. This either makes you or breaks you. And it's ok both ways. You just have to learn to accept the new reality. - M and I are in the process.

I'll be honest that around four months ago I started hating the hair growth and wanted to keep cutting it as it made me comfortable. But my twisted mind also wants my long hair to come quick. So I decided to put up with it - not get over it because I still hate it. No matter how much people say they love my short hair and that I rock it, I don't think I do. I don't recognise myself in the mirror, can't get used to style it, it's not practical and it gives me grief every morning.
And again, I'm grateful I've got hair, but angry that have to go through a hair growth process I didn't ask for.

Post cancer life is not full of smiles and celebrations as people might think. It's a constant struggle between the life you had and the life you have. The adjustments, the tiredness, the worries, the hopes and the dreams.



P.x

One Year Ago

A year ago we walked in those doors to get my lump checked and our lives changed forever.

Tired from a night shift I just wished it was an April fools day joke. Or a dream.

It feels like yesterday but we are proud to know and announce the worst is behind us. Is it over? No. It never will be. The fear of recurrence is high, and the scars don't let me forget. My current struggle with life in general doesn't let me forget.

I'm half way through cognitive behavioural therapy to adjust my fearful and anxious thoughts to the real life and it's hard to let go of things that made you who you are today, in order to live a better future.

Ten weeks post radiotherapy I still have the expected tiredness but feel it's getting better. Back to exercise was probably one of the ways to gain control of my body again, my arm still doesn't stretch without aching, muscles are still damaged, and scar tissue is probably always gonna be an issue. My personal trainer is helping me getting some of it back, reinforcing the chest muscles and making them stretch is a priority, so we're focusing on chest press, lat pull down and do a small high intensity interval training to help expand all these muscles and help me breathe better. Getting out of breath and upper chest pain is something I experienced first time I tried to run, but apparently is a normal thing bearing in mind my chest was zapped with radiation. If my breast still feels hard, I can now imagine how the muscles must feel. I massage the scars and feel my breasts every day, has become my new obsession. Is it normal? Is it healthy? Perhaps not but it's my new normal. The nipple is still very very sensitive and itchy at times. I've noticed that despite the amount of cream I put everyday it always looks a bit dry and flaky, not the rest of the breast, only the nipple. 

 Another funny thing I've noticed a while ago is this:

(I'm sorry for people that I might offend showing gross things like this) 

Yup, having a Frankenboob was not enough so let's have dysfunctional armpits! I might not sweat as much from it but it still releases a different body odour from the other one. Go figure!
And now speaking of the Frankenboobie, the other day I've tried one of my old bra's for a few hours and it was instant regret. I used to wear padded bras and the filled part presses right on my lump bed scar and is extremely uncomfortable, so is the wire that forces the breast into an unnatural shape. So I think now is probably the time to say goodbye to them but I'm still holding on, to that little piece of me from a year ago...

Tomorrow - the 2nd of April - I'll be back to work, restart where I left off exactly one year ago (but this time I'll start off with a cold - the irony!) Wish me luck!

P.x

Week from Heaven

How do I even start?

Yesterday, 5 months after the referral been done, I was finally seen by an oral surgeon to plan the removal of my wisdom teeth. As he was examining my jaw we found a painful gland on my neck - !!!!! What? -  And as a very cautious surgeon he sent me to have an ultrasound done and reported straight away. My heart raced through that ultrasound and I sure held back some tears and tried to focus on the red rounded pins on the ceiling boards - ??? we all have our coping mechanisms, mine is being very observant and question random stuff I see, so don't judge... - Regardless no worries from the radiologist point of view, to be sure I've brought the results home anyway to show my oncologist today and ask for a second opinion.

So today I woke up with an achy throat - that might be a clue! - but as the brain works otherwise, I decided to still panic about the oversized neck gland.

Despite that, the morning was way more exciting that I'd ever imagined. Something very cool and special happened...

I've had my first haircut post chemo - or post cancer.
It might not seem any different to the common eye but I've been showing it off very proudly. Shane did an excellent job with it and exactly what I wanted, styled in a way that looks like a normal haircut and not just "post cancer hair".

This might have been an anticipatory happy moment for what was to come - eeeek!
In the afternoon we've had our LAST oncology appointment. M went with me as he's been for every single one along the way.
And today...

Today we smile.

Today we celebrate.

Today marks the day that cancer is gone - for what we hope Forever!

I was officially discharged from oncology - always free to go back for questions and advice - but no more scheduled appointments - for what I hope is forever and ever!

How incredible and amazing is this? Look how far we have come, and how far there is to go still. I'm proud of me, proud of us. For holding on, for sticking together through thick and thin, for our resilience, for the strength we didn't think we had. M is more important than he'll even know or than I could ever express. He still found ways to make me laugh through my tears and kicked me back on track when I refused to get up. I don't think I would have been able to do this without him. I'm sure mum will understand, although she's been a big part of all of this too. I'm also proud of her that kept her chin up seeing her little girl going through all this shit. - But then again what's the other option?


Thank you to you all that believed every day that this day would come even when I couldn't believe it myself. And thank you all for being part of my LIFE!

Here lies ShitFace

A not so little tumour that changed our lives.

10/04/17 - 07/03/18

P.x

Straight and Shiny

Today I'm trying to accept my hair.

I don't like it, but I'm trying to be grateful - Specially trying hard to ignore the greys.

I must confess there are days I get so annoyed with it that feel like pulling it from the roots and get back to being bald where strangely I feel I looked better - but then occurs to me that it would mean going through this length again to have it long - so then I get angry it's taking so long - to be long. Ha!

I have tried to think about the days it was falling and how I felt about it, but my brain seems to have blocked all of that. I don't remember it falling as vividly as I'd like - or shall I say I wouldn't like?
Back to September where eyebrows and eyelashes were almost nowhere to be seen I started doing this photographic record of my hair growth - because I knew the future me would be thankful for it.

Then I got discouraged and left it for about a month without recording just because I felt it was a complete waste of time - It's not really, but my brain is stubborn and states otherwise. So today I decided to have a bit of fun with it again even though it doesn't make me feel any more girly - at least it made me smile.

If only there was a hairstyle that wouldn't make me look like a boy. This is society's fault. Imprints in our minds that short hair and spiky hair is boy-like. We shouldn't think like it but I'm guilty as charged for thinking like that - having no one else to blame, society is always better to blame than me.
I'm stating to surrender to head bands and they actually look very pretty - thanks S for the advice.

Is it strange that I don't recognise myself in pictures with long hair or in pictures with no hair anymore? It's so weird and I feel weird. Looks like a completely different person - and perhaps it is, I will never be her again - but you never think of that about your pictures. It's in the past, for every minute that passes by, you change, you'll never be the same person you where in that moment that that image was "frozen" forever - Deep!

Throughout this 5 months of hair growth I've tried a few things, some of them worked for me and others didn't. I started with Watermans Grow Me shampoo, a hair mask from Lush called Roots, the Cinnamon Bar from Lush and a scalp oil that I don't remember the name.

I used to moisturise my scalp whilst going through chemo even though I've always had a oily scalp and it was very rare to have dry skin/scalp or dandruff. As you can probably guess by now this is exactly what happened; Since the hair has come back, there is this flaky scalp I can't get rid off. I know if I oil it more, the hair just gets greasier and flakes more - I've had this through my teenage years, trust me it's very annoying - but if I apply the Cinnamon Bar it dries too much and flakes out. So after a few uses, the cinnamon bar was back on "the bench". The hair mask was great and still is when I want to have that minty fresh feeling on my scalp - it's better in the summer - I still use it every so often and doesn't seem to have any implications on my flakiness. About the shampoo, I'm about to finish the bottle and although people swear by it, I don't think it made any difference on my hair growth. My hair has always been a slow grower and I don't believe a shampoo is ever going to change that. I had a break from it for 10 days when I went to Portugal on holiday and I don't think it made any difference in the flakiness (I've used a normal shampoo while over there). So now I've decided to try less chemicals and try an organic shampoo that I found in my supermarket - as I don't believe in spending lots on money on things like that - hoping it works and clears up the scalp once and for all.


Another strange thing that happened after all this time my eyelashes and eyebrows are still falling - less than during chemo - but they are quickly replaced by new ones. (In the picture my eyebrows are filled but the gaps in the eyelashes are easily seen) It might be related to stress and anxiety that I'm going through at the moment or chemo/radiation... I'll ask my oncologist in two weeks when I go for what I hope to be the last appointment ever!



If anyone has any great hair styles for very short hair give me a shout as I'm very open to suggestions.

"Love is in the Hair"

P.x

Post Cancer Blues

I'm back... and after 5 days I've decided to blog.

For the last 3 weeks we've almost lived of packed bags. Great or not, it's been exhausting.

A month post radio and I don't feel any different. Or actually I do. I feel anger and sadness and all the "normal" things the experts say I should be feeling.

The 2 week break from reality was the best time I've had in a year but coming back home brought me back all the memories and stresses that cancer shoved into our lives. It's not been easy and to everyone saying that I look really well - I'm not. Cancer broke me, but somehow I managed to take the Dory approach and "swim" through it. Now the future is so scary and I'm struggling to cope with the daily life. The little things that I used to do with my eyes shut, like washing and cleaning and cooking are now tasks that I struggle with. Don't know how to explain but it feels like there's no point on doing any of it, and the effort of thinking about doing them seems to make them over-complicated and my brain goes into overdrive. 

Was this clear enough? I know it's even confusing to myself.

How bad is it when someone asks you "how are you?" Or "you doing ok?" that you answer with the biggest lie in your mouth "I'm good thanks". Just because it's easy. Just because this answer doesn't have the C word attached to it. Just because I rather lie than say "No, I'm feeling like crap! Yes, I don't look like it, because I smile. But have you looked into my smile? Do you know me that well? What do my eyes say? I want this all to be over, oh wait, it is - but it's not. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare and I'm about to wake up. But days are going by and I don't. I hate myself in the mirror and have no will power to change it. I just don't see the point. I want to fight for the future me but have no more strength. You know all that strength you said I had at the beginning, well that's where it's left - 4 months ago. I want my "normal" life back. I want the baby I was planning for. I want the wedding of a princess. I want the house of my dreams. I want the holiday we both deserve. All I can hear is: you'll have it, you just have to be patient. What if I don't want to? What if I don't have that time to wait? What if in 1 year this nightmare haunts me again? What if I don't have the strength to fight it again? But because all of this is "what ifs" are not the present, I shouldn't focus on them. So I say "I'm ok". Because no one can answer any of these questions and explaining people what is actually going on up on the top floor it's exhausting when they don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want anyone thinking that I only have bad thoughts and life is miserable. Life also has good moments. Moments to be thankful for. Three weeks ago we've spent 10 days back in my home country (Portugal) and despite the fact that I didn't see all the people I'd like to see and got a few disappointments, I ended up having a good time with M, a few days of tourism and "rest" from cancer. Back in the country for a couple of days just to pack again to have my wish come true. An overnight stay in London and 2 tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. We have needed it so badly. Just the two of us. After the hard times that had been upon us, we are needing that time alone with no stresses from the outside world.


Relationships are not easy on a daily basis in a so called "normal life" now when you add the word cancer to it and the stretches of money and mind, only the strong ones can last. Still, you need to nourish that relationship, never take anything for granted. You're in this together and it's hard for you both. If one is going through it, the other one has to deal with the same fears as you plus the biggest one of all: losing you. Be kind. Be kind to your partner and your relationship. Do a lot of romantic things. It's so important to reconnect as many times as you can. Remember you love each other and tell each other everyday - because there will be moments you'll want to bite each other's heads off. Love is a funny and beautiful thing!

This is the reason why this break was important to us and we'll be forever grateful there is charities that provide a stress free experience to people that are in need of it. Don't know if Willow Foundation know how important and how much of a difference they have made. They took all the stress of money and planning out of my hands and it actually felt good because things flew by so naturally and smoothly. 

Sorry for being missing in action but the top floor is in need of attention and I'm working on it. Have therapy booked for this week so fingers crossed. - The top floor is my head by the way for who's wondering...

For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I'm giving up that social network for the time being as it wasn't bringing anything good to my mental health.

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

P.x

The End - The New Beginning - Day 282

Today was my last radiotherapy treatment.

The LAST treatment.

And after 292 days, it's over!

Now can we even begin to comprehend what just happened. Where have those 292 days gone?

So much rush and fighting to get to the end of the tunnel and where did we get to? The emptiness of an uncertain future. We still remember the day that we went to the hospital the first time to check a lump we were sure it was something silly and simple. The day we cried ourselves to sleep.


Radiotherapy wasn't a walk in the park for me. It was an unpleasant experience that drained me emotionally. I can't even compare with chemo or surgery, they were all unpleasant and horrendous. But my expectations about radiotherapy were that it would be "fine" compared to the other two. From my point of view, it wasn't "fine". Tears came out of my eyes every time I was laying on that table and felt miserably down every single day. M had a copious amount of patience that I could never thank him enough for it - believe me when I say I'm a terrible patient and a miserable cow when I'm depressed - Not everyone's experience is the same, but this was mine and I was not ready for it. So if you are about to have radiotherapy, please get yourself ready for it all - The good, the bad and the evil.

The cancer is gone! Chemotherapy, surgery and my - damn stubborn - attitude got rid of it, radiotherapy was just a preventive measure to make me live longer and healthier(?). According to the health professionals, the word remission doesn't exist anymore, from now I'm NED - No Evidence of Disease - and we hope that it carries on as it is.

I'm so happy this is over, no more injections, no more scans, no more trips to the hospital, no more waiting rooms, no more radiation. No more, until the year check up, or until I panic about my scar tissue, or until I feel insecure. Realistically, this is not completely over, only a small part of it. My scars are still here, still healing, my breast is still slightly misshaped, my skin is still red/purple from radiation and will be sensitive for the rest of my life, and my arm is still at risk of lymphoedema.

We can't pick up where we've left off like people say, as I'm sure we're not the same people that we were in 31th March 2017. We're battered and bruised and scarred. From now we have to find a new normal, and that's scary. I'm scared of living in fear, but looking forward to have some control over my life. Grievance is something 'm learning to deal with every day and will be part of my new normal. So please we just ask you yo be patient while we adjust.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with us and for believing that this unicorn would find the other side of the rainbow.

How many of us would love a fresh start? A new beginning?

This story is not over. It's only just beginning.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion"

P.x

Night Time Tears

For a week I've had this "lump" on my throat that puts me on a verge of crying. And I do sometimes. And I feel guilty, and sad, and anxious and depressed.

I feel lucky because my type of cancer has a cure, but I have a dreadful fear of it coming back, now that I approach the end of my treatment I get scared that things go out of control.

Then I feel guilty for crying, for feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is crap when there's so many people in a worse situation than mine.

That's when sadness comes. for the other fighters out there that are facing those fears everyday and don't know when and if it's ever gonna end.

Then I feel grateful for living another day, for breathing, for being able to hug M every morning and hear that he loves me more than the day before. Such small little things to be so so grateful about.

Have you stopped and thought today? What are you grateful for?
Even if you're just grateful for getting out of bed, that's ok, that is a great victory.

P.x

Perfect Little Moments

Life is not perfect but you can obtain perfect little moments out of it.

Let's start with the beginning of the week, when my radiotherapy started - It will be easy they said. The easiest part of the treatment they said - But it wouldn't be my treatment if it didn't have a hiccup on the easiest part. Three weeks ago, when I had my radiotherapy tattoos done, my body was still very tense and uncomfortable laying on the CT table with my arms up. Now with almost full rage of movement, the way my arms go behind my head is different and consequently more relaxed body. Apparently having a relaxed body in this situation is not good as the measurements then didn't match. The 20 minutes I was promised turned into 1 hour. My good arm went numb twice and they had to pause for recovery. The big boss had to come along eventually to authorise the treatment - one more pair of eyes on my boobs. Nice! lol - All of this made me panic just for a moment and almost cried but everyone was focused on my boob and no one noticed - Phew!
The rest of the week went quite smoothly, barely waited, almost in & out, only time for a quick pic in the changing room.

So far this week of radiotherapy has been localised, focused on the place where the tumour was. My skin is starting to change. Colour and texture on the inside. I could go a bit further and say my boob is even more misshaped - but only very slightly, only noticeable to my eyes - For the last 3 days - I didn't know it before - I've been applying an ice pack before and after to cool down the skin and prevent the burning. Have been applying cream three times a day, but only milky lotions for radiated skin. So far so good though.

Radiotherapy doesn't hurt and I don't feel it. Although there was a day that I could swear my boob was tingling inside whilst the radiation was on - although might have just been my brain making it up.
Now I get to rest and enjoy 4 days with no radiotherapy and Christmas with some of the family.
Apart from radiotherapy everyday something else happened: My birthday! I'm 31 now and I can probably tell that in one year I've aged about 5 years. Wiser and older I'll carry on smiling through the path that life gave me as there's no other way of facing it.

M, though, thought the "wise and old" needed some more reasons to celebrate.
After what was for both of us a year of hell, with so many emotions involved, he stood beside me without blinking or stumbling, carrying a "burden" that I could never imagine. So on the 20th December, M got down on one knee and made me the happiest girl alive.

My hero, my rock, my best friend, the love of my life.
The day he made my life perfect. That perfect little moment forever engraved in my heart. No matter how much crap life throws at us, he wants to stay by my side through thick and thin, to love and to hold. And so do I. So I said YES!
I'm beyond excited. For a perfect moment I forgot I had cancer and everything felt so good and normal.

There is no better way to finish off what it seemed to be the worst year of our lives, but also the most enlightening. We are now engaged, and although he will always be my partner, I've officially upgraded M to Fiancé. May the force be with us! (Just for all the Star Wars fans out there that went to see the episode VIII)

I might have put this quote here before but still very true...

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations" 

P.x 

Overwhelming Thoughts - Post Surgery Update

A little update

I haven't done updates for a while. Christmas has crept up on me and made me feel overwhelmed with a bunch of things that I'd like to share as they are building up on my chest.

I love Christmas and always have, December is my favourite month because my birthday celebrations happen too. Although this year I've been trying to keep busy and do a bunch of things that I've never been able to do while at work because of time and now I'm all prepared for what it looks like a "perfect Christmas" I feel a little bit down every day - there might be another reason for this that I'll explain in a moment - I'm definitely trying to snap out of it and be thankful for what I've got but there's a lot of times that I'm focusing on what I don't have. I'm thankful for having an amazing partner that is sticking with me through thick and thin, my mum that is always on the other side of the phone when she's not making all the efforts to be here by my side, my dad who just came to visit me after not seeing me for 4 years - old grudges got in the way, but peace is made with the past now - my whole family that are on the other side of the video chat, and M's family that are constantly worried about me. Friends are definitely who I miss most this time of the year. Unfortunately everyone is busy or in another country because that's what Christmas is all about: going home and see your family. Now this is where cancer wins a little bit. I won't be able to have my friends/family annual reunion that is now a tradition, and wrongly I feel slightly jealous of everyone that is able to do it and don't appreciate it fully. Don't get me wrong, I'll be spending Christmas surrounded by M's family and my mum and I'm very thankful for it - I just wanted a bit more, that bit more that I have every year that won't be able to have this year, that's all.

I just want you all to be thankful and appreciate the people that are near your this holiday season, don't waste your time with arguments, tell people you love them and swallow whatever pride you have and make contact with that person you haven't spoken to for years. Life is too short.

Now back to the update. Guess what is not pleasant and is back in my life? - Yes, you're right, my period!
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this made me happy for a day or two, and sharing is caring! I'm not happy about it anymore and it can go again - lol - Never thought it would come back this early. It was exactly two months after I finished my Zoladex injections. It's a good sign because it means that I'm not menopausal - yay - but I'm not sure about my fertility yet, will have to check this with the doctors. Basically I think all those feelings I'm having might have to do with my hormones being all over the place too, my body is getting used to "normality" again.

About my post surgery recovery, everything is going well, have been discharged from the physiotherapy and the range of movement is getting better every day, I push it a bit more everyday. The scar tissue under my arm and on my breast are crazy big - looks like I've got a lump similar to the tumour and every day when I touch it doing the cream massage - I panic just a little bit and then tell myself that is scar tissue and it should be fine. I'm letting myself start the radiotherapy and see if it changes and might contact someone at the hospital at the beginning of the year just in case.

Scars are doing well I just hope radiotherapy doesn't change them. This picture was taken in the morning before applying the cream - greasy hands and greasy skin are not photo friendly. I've noticed that the scars are needing 3x more cream than the body, but it's winter and skin dries more anyway. I've been using these two products on my scars, and so far I'm happy. I've got another two lined up for radiotherapy and I can see that will need to moisturise 5 times a day to avoid peeling skin.

Hair is growing - slow-fast - but I'm preparing another post about it.

"Be grateful when things are going your way, be graceful when they're not."

P.x