Yesterday I went to my Pre Op assessment.
Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!
If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.
I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.
This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.
Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.
So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.
Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.
P.x
Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!
If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.
I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.
This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.
Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.
So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.
Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.
P.x
Good luck
ReplyDeleteI read your blogs and think you are amazing
I work on nicu at Medway and look forward to meeting you x
Hi Sarah :) aww thank you for your support. Can't wait to meet you when I go back x
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