Incredible the way that the brain works.
One moment you're anxious about something and then you get distracted and it's not there anymore until you think about it again.
Sickness is a huge huge thing for me. And this "Red Devil" as they call it is making me have horrible sickness thoughts because of how it makes me feel. As the nurse was giving it to me all I could focus on was my stomach and the taste on the back of my mouth, and how do I know it's caused by my brain? Because as soon as she started making conversation the feeling disappeared... how does that work brain?
Another chemo week has gone. I'm so tired and had enough of chemo already, and the fact that I don't know what the end is yet, makes the fear of the unknown even worse.
The sickness has been slightly better... like 10% better (I've bought sea bands and think they are doing it's job). But now as the time and chemo sessions go by my gastritis thought it was a good time to come out to play. Acid reflux, bloatedness, heart burn, horrible taste in my mouth and feeling of burnt tongue make me feel miserable. One of the things that I love and I was able to drink during this week was orange juice, and now I can't as it makes me feel worse. I just can't wait for chemo to be over. Just feels like it's eating me from the inside and every time is slightly different. I'm so afraid of it now, makes my heart race and stomach turn every time I think of it. I know it's probably only two more to go but every week I go through it feels like I'm not gonna have the strength to go through the next one. People look at me and see the strong me and "how well you are coping with it... you look so well". That's bullshit. Inside I'd rather be sedated and not having to deal with it. It's an absolute torture feeling your own body turn against you and even though I'm hungry or thirsty, I can't stand the thought of it either. How does that work as "doing well"? Want to know more that I don't talk about everyday? My mucosa (the inside skin) is very thin; and chemo makes me constipated. Has anyone ever had the feeling of being cut from the inside every time you go to the toilet? Well I do now and it hurts like hell. It might seem that I'm very strong but I feel a complete wreck.
I look myself in the mirror and there's a grey undertone, there's darkness under my eyes, there's sadness in my smile and a drop on my expression. That's not me. Where am I? I know I'm behind that, somewhere...
I feel like nothing good is happening, there's no solutions and the problems just pile up.
Cancer - Chemo - Sickness - Gastritis - Reflux - Tooth ache (again) - Antibiotics - Gastritis - Repeat. Light at the end of the tunnel where are you?
Will my sanity hold on until I get there? I do focus on everything happens for a reason, and if some things make sense, other's don't.
Mum didn't come this time as we both needed a break, a bit of space as it's been mentally draining for both. So on chemo week my little old T was taken to the vets to be diagnosed with a "broken heart" (heart failure if we say it by the book... but I believe she has a broken heart, as I've got one too).
Shall I thank the universe for allowing my mum to be there at the right time to be able to treat it immediately instead of going a week too late? Or shall I thank it for "everything happens for a reason" that I can't be there for T or I couldn't go to my best friends wedding - as per my theory, one day I will find why.
Life is so unfair... I wish I could be hugging them.
Now there's my challenge: Find the positives!
P.x
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