5 days ago my world collapsed. The floor under my feet all of a sudden felt like a big deep hole I was falling to. The lump that up until then seemed to be ok, it wasn't. "It's not normal" she said. And tears rolled down my face without my permission.
The Lilac room we sat for what it felt like an eternity had all the features I already known - This is for bad news - the thought going through my head. M sat by my side and we sunk into that dark place right inside us trying to hold on to each other. Seeing him cry broke my heart, I've never seen anyone suffering so much. In that chaotic moment I selfishly thought - This is the best love gesture anyone could ever give me - and now I know I want to spend the rest of my life with him.
The blur of the next 20 minutes after this included something about "It can be cancer" - more tears - "we will discuss treatment". - But we just started thinking about starting a family. This is so fucking unfair! - "we can talk about fertility solutions" but...but...but... "We will know better on Monday... we'll discuss all of it then" she said.
You have to be strong... for him... he's not holding it together, you'll have to. As I held his hand trying to hold us both together.
We just want this to be a dream, an April fools joke, a mistake, something that it's not real. Still doesn't feel real. I'm afraid to touch it, afraid to think of all the things that can come from it. I want everything now and want to be able to have some control in my life. I want to plan the uncertain future, I don't want all of these "what ifs" going through my head.
Today's quote:
"Now and then, it's good to pause in our pursuit of happiness, and just be happy."P.x
No comments:
Post a Comment