Dreams of chemo sessions invaded my head last night.
Can't really describe anything in specific but I woke up living that dream and then: Bang! Reality hits again and this will all be true in a few weeks.
I'm terrified of losing my hair.
I don't want to wake one morning with a patch of it on my pillow.
But I don't want to cut it either. It's going to be so painful emotionally.
So many thoughts running through my head. Do I cut it now? - and get used to it - Or do I wait until I start chemo? - will that be too many emotions to deal at once? - Do I try the cold cap and hope to lose less? - But then what's the point of cutting it before hand? - Do I get a wig? - I don't like the thought of it and I think I'll get too uncomfortable with it. - Scarfs are at the moment the safest and more comfortable option that I'm considering. Although I tried one this morning on my head and felt so awfully depressed with it and a tear came to my eyes before throwing it aside.
I don't want this... but I know that is a necessary evil to go through all of this as a winner.
I'm not worried about what other people will see or think about my appearance, I just want to feel good about myself, feel comfortable in my own body and love myself above it all. - Even though I know I'm loved no matter what my breast or my hair looks like - I just want to love myself.
M doesn't get tired of saying that he loves me no matter what, and holds me really tight when I have days like this. I know he's the one.
P.x
Can't really describe anything in specific but I woke up living that dream and then: Bang! Reality hits again and this will all be true in a few weeks.
I'm terrified of losing my hair.
I don't want to wake one morning with a patch of it on my pillow.
But I don't want to cut it either. It's going to be so painful emotionally.
So many thoughts running through my head. Do I cut it now? - and get used to it - Or do I wait until I start chemo? - will that be too many emotions to deal at once? - Do I try the cold cap and hope to lose less? - But then what's the point of cutting it before hand? - Do I get a wig? - I don't like the thought of it and I think I'll get too uncomfortable with it. - Scarfs are at the moment the safest and more comfortable option that I'm considering. Although I tried one this morning on my head and felt so awfully depressed with it and a tear came to my eyes before throwing it aside.
I don't want this... but I know that is a necessary evil to go through all of this as a winner.
I'm not worried about what other people will see or think about my appearance, I just want to feel good about myself, feel comfortable in my own body and love myself above it all. - Even though I know I'm loved no matter what my breast or my hair looks like - I just want to love myself.
M doesn't get tired of saying that he loves me no matter what, and holds me really tight when I have days like this. I know he's the one.
"Every cloud has a silver lining"
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