Reality of The Brave

Back to reality!

We've had a week off. Disconnected from the world. No social media, no phone during the day, only turning on at night for a couple of hours of catching up with friends and family.
It was so so nice. I'd love to do it again.
Although the sun wasn't out much - not that I can lay on it anyway - we are slowly learning how to dance in the rain!

The week before we went to Broadstairs for a week away we had another check up with the oncologist. Turns out the MRI shows my breast is clear of the tumour, there's only the margins left to be removed by surgery. With this, my case was discussed in this meeting between oncologists and nurses and they all decided that I should have the initial planned chemo: 4 of EC + 4 of Paclitaxel, meaning that I will start a brand new chemo this week! Some would say these are bad news, I'd say they are good! Despite the fact they are only doing this because the survival rates are better with the combination of the two instead of giving me the 6 doses of the first one (reacting good or not) but to me it's a bit more than that: it's saying goodbye to all the gastric complications the other chemo was bringing me. I was living in my own personal hell and not coping with it anymore. NLP seems to be doing it's job now. The week before holiday, along with my regular counselling and reflexology session, I had something called NeuroLinguistic Programming. I was developing anxiety related to chemo as my mind was associating it to all the side effects going around my body, so YouCan (the charity that has been helping me) suggested I had something else to help me and I do think it's working - although I might have been a bit sceptic about it, now I think I believe a little bit.
Now I'll be getting ready to face new symptoms - they say it's not so much gastric but more aches and pains, and I think I'm ok with it. I do believe aches and pains are more easy to manage than sickness and the fact that I can't even drink when I'm thirsty. It might be a bit scary not knowing what's coming, and having to re-learn new symptoms and deal with them but I feel strong and ready to face them - as long as it's not sickness. (Can you tell how traumatised I am from it?)

The week off made me think of a couple of hobbies I want to have, but I'm still trying to plan them appropriately. Seeing that I still have a few months ahead of me with chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, I really need a hobby that keeps my mind off of things - and yes, knitting might be one of them, typical right? Jigsaw puzzles might be the other one - I seem to be quite obsessed about finishing them no matter how hard they are - M even said I get quite bossy, and I kinda do! But about that, I'll keep you posted - still open to suggestions though.

Some people say that times like this we just want to forget, to get over them and leave them behind.
I think that we should never forget. If we had this put in our path, it's because there's a reason, we should never forget it, never leave it behind, but embrace it and always remember how it made you feel. Times like this make you grow and take a different perspective on life, and for that reason I chose to make it eternal. Estelle Thompson Photography helped us with it. Her energy gave us the confidence to be brave in front of a camera and make a sad situation in our lives into a fun and beautiful moment that we can look back and say: we've made it. There's 120 pictures that are so awesome and I'll leave a couple for you to see. E was an absolute Angel that showed up in our lives. Thank you so so much!

And I know I've missed the 1st of the month but it's never late to check your boobies!! Today might make a difference.

"Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet"

P.x 

Metanoia / 4 Rounds Down

Incredible the way that the brain works.

One moment you're anxious about something and then you get distracted and it's not there anymore until you think about it again.

Sickness is a huge huge thing for me. And this "Red Devil" as they call it is making me have horrible sickness thoughts because of how it makes me feel. As the nurse was giving it to me all I could focus on was my stomach and the taste on the back of my mouth, and how do I know it's caused by my brain? Because as soon as she started making conversation the feeling disappeared... how does that work brain?

Another chemo week has gone. I'm so tired and had enough of chemo already, and the fact that I don't know what the end is yet, makes the fear of the unknown even worse.

The sickness has been slightly better... like 10% better (I've bought sea bands and think they are doing it's job). But now as the time and chemo sessions go by my gastritis thought it was a good time to come out to play. Acid reflux, bloatedness, heart burn, horrible taste in my mouth and feeling of burnt tongue make me feel miserable. One of the things that I love and I was able to drink during this week was orange juice, and now I can't as it makes me feel worse. I just can't wait for chemo to be over. Just feels like it's eating me from the inside and every time is slightly different. I'm so afraid of it now, makes my heart race and stomach turn every time I think of it. I know it's probably only two more to go but every week I go through it feels like I'm not gonna have the strength to go through the next one. People look at me and see the strong me and "how well you are coping with it... you look so well". That's bullshit. Inside I'd rather be sedated and not having to deal with it. It's an absolute torture feeling your own body turn against you and even though I'm hungry or thirsty, I can't stand the thought of it either. How does that work as "doing well"?  Want to know more that I don't talk about everyday? My mucosa (the inside skin) is very thin; and chemo makes me constipated. Has anyone ever had the feeling of being cut from the inside every time you go to the toilet? Well I do now and it hurts like hell. It might seem that I'm very strong but I feel a complete wreck.

I look myself in the mirror and there's a grey undertone, there's darkness under my eyes, there's sadness in my smile and a drop on my expression. That's not me. Where am I? I know I'm behind that, somewhere...

I feel like nothing good is happening, there's no solutions and the problems just pile up. 

Cancer - Chemo - Sickness - Gastritis - Reflux - Tooth ache (again) - Antibiotics - Gastritis - Repeat. Light at the end of the tunnel where are you?

Will my sanity hold on until I get there? I do focus on everything happens for a reason, and if some things make sense, other's don't.

Mum didn't come this time as we both needed a break, a bit of space as it's been mentally draining for both. So on chemo week my little old T was taken to the vets to be diagnosed with a "broken heart" (heart failure if we say it by the book... but I believe she has a broken heart, as I've got one too). 

Shall I thank the universe for allowing my mum to be there at the right time to be able to treat it immediately instead of going a week too late? Or shall I thank it for "everything happens for a reason" that I can't be there for T or I couldn't go to my best friends wedding - as per my theory, one day I will find why.

Life is so unfair... I wish I could be hugging them.

Now there's my challenge: Find the positives!

P.x

Run Unicorn Run

What an amazing experience.

For a change I had a good couple of days.

Well... as good as they can get

Not sure where even to begin. Wednesday was a very especial and sad and disappointing day - It's all to do with expectations.
I'm going to blame "chemo brain" for the fact that when they rang me to book an appointment with the oncologist she said "20 past 4" and I wrote on my calendar "20 past 14" - huge fail! Was it? - Everything happens for a reason. And this time we were meant to be at the hospital at 14.30 to meet S. 

For some reason we were meant to get into each others lives and we hope it is to help each other going through all of this. She's around our age and she's going through the same journey as me. It was both very nice and very sad to meet someone "like me". I don't want anyone to go through this... specially when we are so young but I think it was meant to be... and this has to have a reason! One day we will find out. S if you ever read this, you made my day feel a bit more special, and for that, thank you. The Oncologist appointment that followed filled us with disappointment. The ones who expected coming out of that room with answers, came out with even more questions. As far as ultrasounds go, they're not reliable, so MRI it is - remember that horrible machine that I had to face down and my arm went numb? Yup... have to do it again! Gee thanks! So now we'll have to wait for those results to have the confirmation that the breast is clean and, if it is then we go down to 6 rounds of EC, if there's a tiny bit left, we'll carry on with the 4+4 as initially planned. 

Not sure which one to look forward to. As EC gives me the horrible sickness and the other one they might change me too, doesn't - my first world problems.

Friday being pre chemo bloods day I was back to the hospital again. People all around were so nice, cheerful and lovely and that definitely put me in a good mood - note that my headscarf had a few compliments too!!(If not the star of the day!) 

Been making myself really busy on the last few days trying not to think about chemo. Is making me slightly - a lot - anxious. Don't want to feel sick again or have the funny turns I had last time. But keep telling myself is doing me good! - It's working! It's helping!

Along with my busy days I've been going to the gym for long walks on the treadmill and surely that is making me feel a bit better!? Exercising is definitely one of the best medicines. And why have I started this you ask?
Yesterday we finished a 5km walk/run and I'm extremely proud of everyone that did it with us. It felt so good. Felt like we can overcome any challenge that is given to us. Not sure if it was because I was surrounded by friends but it definitely felt easier than it looked!

Such a great experience that I definitely want to repeat. A great feeling of accomplishment. 

It might seem a small thing for a lot of people but for me felt like I gained control of myself even just for an hour and that felt amazing!!!
If you really want something then do it! (Even if it feels impossible, the feeling of accomplishment overcomes the fear.)

We would like to thank to everyone that sponsored us and ran/walked along side and the ones that cheered from home. We had lots of fun and a great time!

Today spent the entire day food prepping for the next week - as mum is not going to be around this time - and being extremely anxious about tomorrow. Had a bit of a panic cry and felt sick too, not sure if it's because I'm anxious or something I've eaten but I'm sure is my brain's fault!

Another round tomorrow - and MRI - really don't want to go... but I have to.

"Remember, however bad things might be right now, this moment will pass and your life will continue to be a good one."

P.x

There is Always Room For Improvement

How do you snap out of something?

You go and change your attitude towards it! Wish it was that simple...

I'm trying. I promise I am! There has been tiny changes/improvement... or perhaps there was only the need to change/improve.

I'm not crying as much (only once a week) and not staying in bed as much - just enough to catch on the sleep that I don't seem to have overnight as the hot flushes and the cold air outside don't seem to agree or work together. 

I've decided to add important sayings to the Positivity Board. 

(And what is this Positivity Board you ask?) 

- The positivity board was my small diy project during the 10 days we waited for the diagnose. Something to keep me sane that week. Where we wrote and asked some people to write on to give us some positives to look at. -

Things like "Stop asking why me?" and "You didn't do this to yourself" are now part of it. And I'm starting to believe it. Don't think I've ever done anything that terrible that made Karma drop this in my life. Although I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason will come later in life, maybe it's not even directly related to me, maybe I will never find out, but I will learn from the whole experience. I'm already learning.

Yesterday I went back to the gym after a very long time. Medication is changing my body. Even though I'm careful with what I eat everyday (

) my body has changed very rapidly in the last couple of months, and I know that most of it is medication related so I'm not beating myself to much about it (but I am...). So yesterday got my arse out of bed - there's a change/improvement - and went shopping for clothes that actually fit me - yes, I'm going up a size...- and made myself go to the gym (only for a 30min walk but was enough). Gym was packed and all I could think was: people are gonna look at the scarf and start thinking what is she doing here? - Well the answer is...I'm trying to be healthier... trying to hold myself into the health I still have and work it out, hoping that exercising will make me feel better through the next round of chemo, and lately, prepare myself to walk 5k next Saturday. I've decided to do it just because I want to prove myself that I can do it and I'm still a normal person and cancer won't take it away from me. So we do appreciate anyone who wants to join us (M, a few friends and I)  https://www.bigfunrun.com/maidstone/ there are still entries available, or even if you just want to come and watch and have a bit of fun! If , on the other hand, you fancy supporting us, we do have a JustGiving page available that our neighbours started for us: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/patricia-venancio 

Anyway you want to get involved, please do! I do promise next year I'll plan this a bit better with more people and do it with more people that want to get involved. 

"It takes courage to face one's shortcomings; and wisdom to do something about them."

P.x 

3 Rounds Down! | Grief

Who said that grief is only when you lose a loved one?

No one ever talks about self loss.

Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?

I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.

Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!

Chemo day was a bit of a rollercoaster, my liver decided that was a bit tired for a couple of days and decided to report that in the blood tests, so I had to have them repeated before starting chemo - 1 hour and a half delay. Not sure if it was hot, or if it was my hormones, or the fact that for the first time I had to stay there for lunch and eat while having chemo, or all of the above, but a hot flush whilst eating a jacket potato and having epiribucin was not the best experience ever - definitely. And another 20min delay to calm down - starting to love that place - not! Then as if all of it wasn't enough, the side effects of the other drug kicked in more than ever. Felt so so dizzy and completely zoned out and banged up nose - more than the previous times. Another 30min to settle myself down - and I just wanted to leave.
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week.  Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.

On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.

I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...

I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.  

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

P.x

Hot News

Yesterday was so so hot!

I don't feel like I'm in England anymore. Looks like one of those tropical countries!

I don't even try going outside in this heat. I do feel a bit sad because I love my tan but I know that would just make me feel worse. So I'm now enjoying my balcony from 19:30 onward as it's the best time of the day, nice and cool and I can see the sunset! - Bliss

Funny episode (essay alert!) that happened last week was to do with a certain charity for young people with cancer.
M signed myself up a bit more than a month ago as we thought that we both needed counselling. The lady that identified herself as counsellor gave me a couple of dates to go to coffee meetings with other people with similar situation as mine. I wasn't able to show up to those meetings as one coincided with one of the days I was poorly and the other one had the electricity guy installing my smart meter. All of this to say that in the mean time, M signed himself up for counselling and they said someone would contact him soon. Two weeks later (probably a month later since the lady contacted me), M was not very impressed and sent them as email with his disappointment - Although they are a charity, they shouldn't commit to people if they are not going to help, so then people can find someone else instead of waiting - As answer to his email they said they had sent two emails - And they didn't (no, not even in the spam box) - then they almost begged to help.
This counsellor lady, called M but as he was at work and couldn't talk, she rang me. - I thought to myself: Oh lucky me, I've been needing to talk to someone in the last few days, perhaps she can help - Sure! - She started the conversation with the coffee meeting again and how I'd benefit from them - But oh, the next one is on my chemo week so I can't go again - and what she doesn't understand is that I don't feel confident just to show up somewhere where I don't know anyone and I wasn't even invited to take a friend. Anyway, then I went on about how sad and down I'd been feeling with everything going on and how the chemo week affected us, and, amongst all the crap cheer up talk she said: I should feel happy about the sun and should enjoy the sun and the good weather... - Ermm, lady, I can't catch any sun...I burn. How is that thinking happy if I can't do what I used to love? - I very politely answered with a "oh yeah...perhaps it will, although I can't really expose myself to the sun" - What's with this people to keep saying for me to enjoy the sun when I'm trying to hide from it.. - So then I kept telling her how depressed and feeling like crying etc, and she said: "Oh have you seen what happened to those people in London tower? That was awful, if you think that's so many things going on in the world"... And that's when I stopped listening - Is this person actually undermining my problems? I'm not a counsellor and I know, that we all suffer differently and cope differently with the same situation... and certainly stating that other peoples problems are worse than mine, doesn't particularly help with my one. By the end of it, she didn't offer any counselling session face to face. So I assume that was it, that was her professional input. Honestly, I do understand that is a charity, and they can't do face to faces as they might not have a private office, but that was the worst counselling session ever. Charity or not!
I'm a nurse, and if I was doing charity I wouldn't say to the person, "go home and bandage your wound yourself".

Oh well, on another note, there's news!

Last week on Wednesday was the 8 week mark for the genetics result. We've waited until the end of the week to see if anyone would ring, and no one did, so I've decided to ring them today. The receptionist said not all the results were back and the doctor was just discussing some of them with the laboratory. - Heart race! What does that mean? - So I patiently waited for the doctor to ring me back.
The tone of her voice and the preparation to initiate the conversation were quite frightening. "Your results are back, and they are all NEGATIVE for BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutation. But... - Shit, there's a but - I had to go clarify this with the lab today and you've got a variant in your genes, there's no evidence that variants cause cancer but that's what makes you be you." - So basically, I shouldn't worry about this variant, my family doesn't carry the genes, I won't pass the genes to my embryos, I won't have to have both breasts removed, my chemo will probably be reduced and still, I'm not jumping with happiness.
What's wrong with me? I should be jumping and celebrating. Instead, I'm blaming myself. What if it was something that I've done in my life that has caused cancer?

"Life cannot be written; Life can only be lived."

P.x

Good Days and Bad Days

Some days we feel happy, and some days we feel sad...

We are allowed.

We don't have to be strong 100% of the time. Just keep going, you're doing the best that you can with what was given to you.
No other situation is better or worse, we all perceive difficult moments differently, not everyone cries for the same reasons and not everyone suffers intensely with grief the same way that not everyone is a smiler nor everyone cries with happiness.
I wish I could say that I'm holding on ok, for the people that don't know me, 80% of the time, I'm still smiling, still laughing, still standing. The other 20% I'm struggling with emotions. The "why me" still shows up to the scene every now and then, the "I want to give up" and "I don't want this anymore" were at their worst last week. It's such a roller coaster of emotions, because you know that what's making you worse is also what's making you better - but "why me"?? - the changes in your body that you can't control, it's all "to make you better". Better from this evil inside me that took over our lives.

It definitely makes a huge difference to have yourself surrounded by the right people but unfortunately most of them can't help. Most of the times I have to help myself and snap out of it. - Which I eventually did this week. I said to myself suck it up buttercup and move along!

On different note: My Hair!

Oh dear, the amount of things I have to say about this adventure with my hair.

By the end of last week, I had to cut my hair shorter because it was hurting on the pillow. It definitely helped - for 4 or 5 days - until it started itching my scalp and hurting specially when wearing scarfs. When you put a scarf on - specially the way I wear them - they have to be tight to the scalp so they don't fall, as most of the times they are held by tension. So things between me and my hair were definitely very "tense" So on Saturday, as an act of desperation and courage, I called the blades in! - M run away from me because it was making him cringe just the thought of it - I shaved most of it myself and L came to give me a hand on the back of my head.

It's gone now! - YAY me! - No more hair on the pillow, no more pain with scarves, no more pain with the wig, no more hair all over me after a shower, no more hair itchiness poking through clothes, no more worrying "the hair is falling so much". Now it's gone and I'm so relieved - Never thought I'd ever say this. (Never say never lol). 

So with all this I managed to wear my "Bella" for the first time - Yes I named it! It's a mix between my two favourite characters: Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Bella from Twilight - I'm a bit weird I know! - Another adventure with it, as I got it too tight the first time and had to go in a public toilet while we were out to re-adjust it as it felt like my brain was being crushed. Got it right in the end and managed to rock it at S birthday party in the evening. I'm very impressed with it, it feels very real and I like wearing it - Although not when it's really really hot.

Another thing I've noticed, my hair growth has stopped for now. Since I've shaved 4 weeks ago my body hair stopped growing, - which in my opinion it's the best part of chemo side effects - even my eyebrows don't need threading anymore! 

Not sure if I'm looking forward for another week of good weather where I can't enjoy fully, but, on the other hand, at least I'm feeling ok and don't have any side effects that are bothering me at the moment.

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves."

P.x 

Round Two - Two Down!

Damn! It's been a hell of a ride!

Monday: Chemo day. I went extremely positive to the chemo session. What was not to be positive about? It's one more chemo down. One closer to the end! Then after 3pm it's all a blur. Between feeling sick and tired and crying and panic about feeling sick, ringing the chemo line, ringing the GP for some prescription and waiting 3 hours to ring back and say that he can't help because he doesn't have the medication I need - I do understand now why people then go to A&E. So 3.30am and after a trip to the hospital for fluids and anti-sickness, I was back home in bed.

The rest of the week was a living hell. Even though I had extra anti-sickness, I was not able to tolerate fluids. Fluids made me feel even more sick. - But I needed to drink them! - Spent the week battling M and mum that were constantly trying to shove fluids down my throat. - Noooo. I hate this! I know that I have to drink, but I can't. The thought of it makes me sick. - Then jellies came to my life. And ice lollies! They made such a difference. - Learning curve for next chemo: Have jellies and ice lollies at ready! 

It's Sunday now and I'm still feeling sick, not as bad, I can drink now but not big amounts. It settles more when I lay down - which is basically what I've been doing all weekend anyway, as the GCSF injections started and I've got aches and pains and tiredness (like I've run a marathon). Only gone out for a couple of hours on Saturday just to enjoy the sun and a bit of fresh air and that gave me a 10hr night sleep. - Best lay in that we had in months though!

To be honest, it is with a bit of an effort I'm writing this time. I don't feel like talking, or writing or doing anything. But I'm forcing myself. I want to document my journey, and I want it to be fresh in my mind (although not a lot of details this time as I spent most of my week struggling with food and drink - Yes, that was all the excitement I had all week.) Pyjamas are my best friend - at least they don't tell me to drink - and pillow is my best confident (and professional tear holder). 

It's not been easy, I wish I could say it is. It's a really tough journey, not just physical but mental as well. The amount of times I feel like crying and sending everything to hell is unreal. But then I think I've got so much to look forward to in a years time and this is not the end of the road...

All I keep asking to *whatever/whoever* is out there is to only be 6 sessions instead of 8. I just want it to be over... 

Oh almost forgot! There was a bit more excitement this week: We had a call from the hospital saying that the neck biopsy came back negative!!! Whoop whoop! Don't have to do that one again.

I'm now M's little hedgehog - Head is very spiky and sometimes it hurts on the pillow, but in the middle of it all it's the least of my worries, and we laugh about it sometimes.

Now, because I still have a nurse in me and I won't ever stop preaching this: 

Please do check yourselves, be careful when you expose yourself to the sun, re-think your life choices (smoking and drinking and drugs) - This is so so hard... if you can avoid it, please do! 

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

P.x

Short Short Short

Unless you've been through it, I don't think you will ever understand.

-- 3rd of June --

Today was The Day! Hair is gone.

Extremely emotional day. Since this morning my mind was made up but we had a day out with the family and I wanted to feel "normal" for one last day. But I didn't.
On Monday the 29th the first few hairs started to fall - but only 4 or 5 would show up on my hand whilst in the shower - and the scalp started to ache. On Thursday more hair started falling. Styling my hair with mousse kept it from falling too much during the day but a lot would come out at the end of the day.

Thursday - Friday - Saturday

Yesterday (Friday) the fall was pretty bad by the end of the day, I was afraid of going to bed and waking up with my whole hair on my pillow (a bit dramatic I know), lucky me that M has a bit of brains when I don't and he encouraged the hair cut as soon as I felt ready. But I didn't want to do it in the morning. I just wanted one more day feeling normal, without people staring. So all I got was a very self conscious me with shit loads of mousse in her hair to stick back all the loose hair on top of my head. Felt like if I touched it would all fall off.
All I thought the whole day was that it needed cutting, and I needed the courage to do it. Half of the motivation was there: my hair had become extremely annoying the last couple of days as it was making me itch every 5 minutes with each strand falling, and I knew I couldn't stand that for long - I am very picky with itchiness.
A very emotional evening followed.
As soon as we got home I grabbed M's clippers and I went for it. Hair fell down through the tears of both M and myself. I recognise that face in the mirror, but don't see myself. Hair is such a big thing for me, no matter how many times M or Mum or my friends say I'm beautiful with or without hair, I don't feel like myself. I don't want to look myself in the mirror.

                      

(I wrote all of this last night but didn't have the guts to post it online. I was feeling very down and there were a lot of tears from Mum, M and me. There's no words that can describe it. Yesterday Cancer took away a small piece of my smile and happiness. I will get it back, one day I will. In the mean time I'll just smile through the tears hold on to family and friends and hope for a better tomorrow.)

-- 4th June --

Today I've tried my first scarf!

Laying my head on the pillow is not painful anymore. So I can tell that is a positive of cutting it shorter.
Still didn't like the look of me in the mirror. A nights sleep didn't change that for me. I guess I'll get used to it.
Spent a good 15 minutes trying different scarfstyles and didn't like the ones I thought I would. The chosen one is not too bad, but I'll definitely have to keep trying.
The headscarf was a must today, we went to meet The Body Coach - Joe Wicks and get a signed book - he has really inspired us to start eating right and change the food that we bring home. Specially now for recovery post chemo that I need to eat the right foods to keep me going strong and healthy and kick cancer out of me.
We honestly believe that the cure for cancer is based in a mix of chemotherapy, good food and positive energy.

Anyway, wearing a scarf in public was not as bad as I thought. Didn't feel that many eyes on me, although I think it helped with they letting M coming in with me - I think the guy felt a bit sorry for me - to the signing as they refused other partners until I complained that we were allowed a +1.
We had a good day in the end and getting to meet Joe was definitely the highlight of our day!

Second chemo is tomorrow. I just hope the side effects are not too bad. Fingers crossed.

"Challenge your assumptions and identify your limiting beliefs. Every time you find yourself thinking that you can't do something, ask yourself 'Why not?' "

Check It On the First ( . ) ( . ) ( • ) ( • )

It's the first of the month again ladies and gents!

Let's get those boobies out and get checking them!

No excuse for not doing it, takes 5 minutes, even if it is before getting up of just as you're going to bed. My post on the first of May show's how you can do it at home. Your partner can do it for you too!

Yesterday was a day of good news. We went for a repeat biopsy of my neck and an appointment with the oncologist.
I was a complete nerve wreck before the biopsy. The first time it was done, took about 20-30 minutes the whole procedure - the doctor might not have been as experienced - I cried that day because there was so much tension in the room and I was sure he was hurting my body even though I didn't feel any pain.
This time, completely different experience. In 5 minutes of being in the room I was ready to come out again. The doctor was amazingly quick - you can tell she was more experienced due to the difference approach on my neck - she told me to sit up instead of laying on the bed and the approach was through the back of my neck which made a huge difference! I just hope this one comes with some sort of result and not inconclusive again.
Pain wise I can tell you now that was nothing compared with the previous one. On the first one I felt pain for a few days and the week after I could still feel bruised inside. Last night I didn't even struggle to fall asleep, no extra pain relief was required apart from the local anaesthetic and paracetamol they gave me there and then.

To be honest I was ready to get there and refuse to have it done by the same doctor as my experience was horrendous and made me be anxious about going for a biopsy again - and I'm usually brave for all those medical interventions. And people that know me, know that I'm even up for medical students or junior doctors try things on me, as long as they've got a back up or someone to go to if they can't do it - that wasn't the case.

The appointment with the consultant was unexpectedly good! First we had results from bone biopsy and it's Clear!! M had lots of questions, especially related to my "lack of symptoms" after chemo. The oncologist said it was completely normal to only have a few but she offered to give more medication just in case I needed it. The only thing she added was codeine for my aches and pains post chemo and post GCSF injections.
Doctor was very happy with the way I was coping with everything and lack of symptoms that she wanted to examine me and my tumour. - "I won't expect to find it any different but we should check" - M and I looked at each other and said instantly: "But we have noticed a difference." About a week and a half ago I thought I'd check on the lump and as we were trying to find it we've noticed that was almost gone. We didn't want to jinx it or anything so we waited until the doctor confirmed that has significantly reduced. She was so amazed at it and surprised that gone down with just one chemo. Now we just have to wait for the genetics results and if the gene is negative, I might only have to do 6 rounds of chemo instead of 8!
And those are great news!

Mum arrives today as next chemo will be on Monday so we are aiming for some good quality time over the weekend before side effects come back to torture me again. Bring it on! 💪

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns; or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses"

P.x