Some days we feel happy, and some days we feel sad...
We are allowed.
We don't have to be strong 100% of the time. Just keep going, you're doing the best that you can with what was given to you.
No other situation is better or worse, we all perceive difficult moments differently, not everyone cries for the same reasons and not everyone suffers intensely with grief the same way that not everyone is a smiler nor everyone cries with happiness.
I wish I could say that I'm holding on ok, for the people that don't know me, 80% of the time, I'm still smiling, still laughing, still standing. The other 20% I'm struggling with emotions. The "why me" still shows up to the scene every now and then, the "I want to give up" and "I don't want this anymore" were at their worst last week. It's such a roller coaster of emotions, because you know that what's making you worse is also what's making you better - but "why me"?? - the changes in your body that you can't control, it's all "to make you better". Better from this evil inside me that took over our lives.
We are allowed.
We don't have to be strong 100% of the time. Just keep going, you're doing the best that you can with what was given to you.
No other situation is better or worse, we all perceive difficult moments differently, not everyone cries for the same reasons and not everyone suffers intensely with grief the same way that not everyone is a smiler nor everyone cries with happiness.
I wish I could say that I'm holding on ok, for the people that don't know me, 80% of the time, I'm still smiling, still laughing, still standing. The other 20% I'm struggling with emotions. The "why me" still shows up to the scene every now and then, the "I want to give up" and "I don't want this anymore" were at their worst last week. It's such a roller coaster of emotions, because you know that what's making you worse is also what's making you better - but "why me"?? - the changes in your body that you can't control, it's all "to make you better". Better from this evil inside me that took over our lives.
It definitely makes a huge difference to have yourself surrounded by the right people but unfortunately most of them can't help. Most of the times I have to help myself and snap out of it. - Which I eventually did this week. I said to myself suck it up buttercup and move along!
On different note: My Hair!
Oh dear, the amount of things I have to say about this adventure with my hair.
By the end of last week, I had to cut my hair shorter because it was hurting on the pillow. It definitely helped - for 4 or 5 days - until it started itching my scalp and hurting specially when wearing scarfs. When you put a scarf on - specially the way I wear them - they have to be tight to the scalp so they don't fall, as most of the times they are held by tension. So things between me and my hair were definitely very "tense" So on Saturday, as an act of desperation and courage, I called the blades in! - M run away from me because it was making him cringe just the thought of it - I shaved most of it myself and L came to give me a hand on the back of my head.
It's gone now! - YAY me! - No more hair on the pillow, no more pain with scarves, no more pain with the wig, no more hair all over me after a shower, no more hair itchiness poking through clothes, no more worrying "the hair is falling so much". Now it's gone and I'm so relieved - Never thought I'd ever say this. (Never say never lol).
So with all this I managed to wear my "Bella" for the first time - Yes I named it! It's a mix between my two favourite characters: Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Bella from Twilight - I'm a bit weird I know! - Another adventure with it, as I got it too tight the first time and had to go in a public toilet while we were out to re-adjust it as it felt like my brain was being crushed. Got it right in the end and managed to rock it at S birthday party in the evening. I'm very impressed with it, it feels very real and I like wearing it - Although not when it's really really hot.
Another thing I've noticed, my hair growth has stopped for now. Since I've shaved 4 weeks ago my body hair stopped growing, - which in my opinion it's the best part of chemo side effects - even my eyebrows don't need threading anymore!
Not sure if I'm looking forward for another week of good weather where I can't enjoy fully, but, on the other hand, at least I'm feeling ok and don't have any side effects that are bothering me at the moment.
"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves."
P.x
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