Unless you've been through it, I don't think you will ever understand.
-- 3rd of June --
Today was The Day! Hair is gone.
Extremely emotional day. Since this morning my mind was made up but we had a day out with the family and I wanted to feel "normal" for one last day. But I didn't.
On Monday the 29th the first few hairs started to fall - but only 4 or 5 would show up on my hand whilst in the shower - and the scalp started to ache. On Thursday more hair started falling. Styling my hair with mousse kept it from falling too much during the day but a lot would come out at the end of the day.
Yesterday (Friday) the fall was pretty bad by the end of the day, I was afraid of going to bed and waking up with my whole hair on my pillow (a bit dramatic I know), lucky me that M has a bit of brains when I don't and he encouraged the hair cut as soon as I felt ready. But I didn't want to do it in the morning. I just wanted one more day feeling normal, without people staring. So all I got was a very self conscious me with shit loads of mousse in her hair to stick back all the loose hair on top of my head. Felt like if I touched it would all fall off.
All I thought the whole day was that it needed cutting, and I needed the courage to do it. Half of the motivation was there: my hair had become extremely annoying the last couple of days as it was making me itch every 5 minutes with each strand falling, and I knew I couldn't stand that for long - I am very picky with itchiness.
A very emotional evening followed.
As soon as we got home I grabbed M's clippers and I went for it. Hair fell down through the tears of both M and myself. I recognise that face in the mirror, but don't see myself. Hair is such a big thing for me, no matter how many times M or Mum or my friends say I'm beautiful with or without hair, I don't feel like myself. I don't want to look myself in the mirror.
(I wrote all of this last night but didn't have the guts to post it online. I was feeling very down and there were a lot of tears from Mum, M and me. There's no words that can describe it. Yesterday Cancer took away a small piece of my smile and happiness. I will get it back, one day I will. In the mean time I'll just smile through the tears hold on to family and friends and hope for a better tomorrow.)
-- 4th June --
Today I've tried my first scarf!
Laying my head on the pillow is not painful anymore. So I can tell that is a positive of cutting it shorter.
Still didn't like the look of me in the mirror. A nights sleep didn't change that for me. I guess I'll get used to it.
Spent a good 15 minutes trying different scarfstyles and didn't like the ones I thought I would. The chosen one is not too bad, but I'll definitely have to keep trying.
The headscarf was a must today, we went to meet The Body Coach - Joe Wicks and get a signed book - he has really inspired us to start eating right and change the food that we bring home. Specially now for recovery post chemo that I need to eat the right foods to keep me going strong and healthy and kick cancer out of me.
We honestly believe that the cure for cancer is based in a mix of chemotherapy, good food and positive energy.
Anyway, wearing a scarf in public was not as bad as I thought. Didn't feel that many eyes on me, although I think it helped with they letting M coming in with me - I think the guy felt a bit sorry for me - to the signing as they refused other partners until I complained that we were allowed a +1.
We had a good day in the end and getting to meet Joe was definitely the highlight of our day!
Second chemo is tomorrow. I just hope the side effects are not too bad. Fingers crossed.
-- 3rd of June --
Today was The Day! Hair is gone.
Extremely emotional day. Since this morning my mind was made up but we had a day out with the family and I wanted to feel "normal" for one last day. But I didn't.
On Monday the 29th the first few hairs started to fall - but only 4 or 5 would show up on my hand whilst in the shower - and the scalp started to ache. On Thursday more hair started falling. Styling my hair with mousse kept it from falling too much during the day but a lot would come out at the end of the day.
 |
| Thursday - Friday - Saturday |
Yesterday (Friday) the fall was pretty bad by the end of the day, I was afraid of going to bed and waking up with my whole hair on my pillow (a bit dramatic I know), lucky me that M has a bit of brains when I don't and he encouraged the hair cut as soon as I felt ready. But I didn't want to do it in the morning. I just wanted one more day feeling normal, without people staring. So all I got was a very self conscious me with shit loads of mousse in her hair to stick back all the loose hair on top of my head. Felt like if I touched it would all fall off.
All I thought the whole day was that it needed cutting, and I needed the courage to do it. Half of the motivation was there: my hair had become extremely annoying the last couple of days as it was making me itch every 5 minutes with each strand falling, and I knew I couldn't stand that for long - I am very picky with itchiness.
A very emotional evening followed.
As soon as we got home I grabbed M's clippers and I went for it. Hair fell down through the tears of both M and myself. I recognise that face in the mirror, but don't see myself. Hair is such a big thing for me, no matter how many times M or Mum or my friends say I'm beautiful with or without hair, I don't feel like myself. I don't want to look myself in the mirror.
(I wrote all of this last night but didn't have the guts to post it online. I was feeling very down and there were a lot of tears from Mum, M and me. There's no words that can describe it. Yesterday Cancer took away a small piece of my smile and happiness. I will get it back, one day I will. In the mean time I'll just smile through the tears hold on to family and friends and hope for a better tomorrow.)
-- 4th June --
Today I've tried my first scarf!
Laying my head on the pillow is not painful anymore. So I can tell that is a positive of cutting it shorter.
Still didn't like the look of me in the mirror. A nights sleep didn't change that for me. I guess I'll get used to it.
Spent a good 15 minutes trying different scarfstyles and didn't like the ones I thought I would. The chosen one is not too bad, but I'll definitely have to keep trying.
The headscarf was a must today, we went to meet The Body Coach - Joe Wicks and get a signed book - he has really inspired us to start eating right and change the food that we bring home. Specially now for recovery post chemo that I need to eat the right foods to keep me going strong and healthy and kick cancer out of me.
We honestly believe that the cure for cancer is based in a mix of chemotherapy, good food and positive energy.
Anyway, wearing a scarf in public was not as bad as I thought. Didn't feel that many eyes on me, although I think it helped with they letting M coming in with me - I think the guy felt a bit sorry for me - to the signing as they refused other partners until I complained that we were allowed a +1.
We had a good day in the end and getting to meet Joe was definitely the highlight of our day!
Second chemo is tomorrow. I just hope the side effects are not too bad. Fingers crossed.
"Challenge your assumptions and identify your limiting beliefs. Every time you find yourself thinking that you can't do something, ask yourself 'Why not?' "
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