There is Always Room For Improvement

How do you snap out of something?

You go and change your attitude towards it! Wish it was that simple...

I'm trying. I promise I am! There has been tiny changes/improvement... or perhaps there was only the need to change/improve.

I'm not crying as much (only once a week) and not staying in bed as much - just enough to catch on the sleep that I don't seem to have overnight as the hot flushes and the cold air outside don't seem to agree or work together. 

I've decided to add important sayings to the Positivity Board. 

(And what is this Positivity Board you ask?) 

- The positivity board was my small diy project during the 10 days we waited for the diagnose. Something to keep me sane that week. Where we wrote and asked some people to write on to give us some positives to look at. -

Things like "Stop asking why me?" and "You didn't do this to yourself" are now part of it. And I'm starting to believe it. Don't think I've ever done anything that terrible that made Karma drop this in my life. Although I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason will come later in life, maybe it's not even directly related to me, maybe I will never find out, but I will learn from the whole experience. I'm already learning.

Yesterday I went back to the gym after a very long time. Medication is changing my body. Even though I'm careful with what I eat everyday (

) my body has changed very rapidly in the last couple of months, and I know that most of it is medication related so I'm not beating myself to much about it (but I am...). So yesterday got my arse out of bed - there's a change/improvement - and went shopping for clothes that actually fit me - yes, I'm going up a size...- and made myself go to the gym (only for a 30min walk but was enough). Gym was packed and all I could think was: people are gonna look at the scarf and start thinking what is she doing here? - Well the answer is...I'm trying to be healthier... trying to hold myself into the health I still have and work it out, hoping that exercising will make me feel better through the next round of chemo, and lately, prepare myself to walk 5k next Saturday. I've decided to do it just because I want to prove myself that I can do it and I'm still a normal person and cancer won't take it away from me. So we do appreciate anyone who wants to join us (M, a few friends and I)  https://www.bigfunrun.com/maidstone/ there are still entries available, or even if you just want to come and watch and have a bit of fun! If , on the other hand, you fancy supporting us, we do have a JustGiving page available that our neighbours started for us: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/patricia-venancio 

Anyway you want to get involved, please do! I do promise next year I'll plan this a bit better with more people and do it with more people that want to get involved. 

"It takes courage to face one's shortcomings; and wisdom to do something about them."

P.x 

3 Rounds Down! | Grief

Who said that grief is only when you lose a loved one?

No one ever talks about self loss.

Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?

I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.

Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!

Chemo day was a bit of a rollercoaster, my liver decided that was a bit tired for a couple of days and decided to report that in the blood tests, so I had to have them repeated before starting chemo - 1 hour and a half delay. Not sure if it was hot, or if it was my hormones, or the fact that for the first time I had to stay there for lunch and eat while having chemo, or all of the above, but a hot flush whilst eating a jacket potato and having epiribucin was not the best experience ever - definitely. And another 20min delay to calm down - starting to love that place - not! Then as if all of it wasn't enough, the side effects of the other drug kicked in more than ever. Felt so so dizzy and completely zoned out and banged up nose - more than the previous times. Another 30min to settle myself down - and I just wanted to leave.
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week.  Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.

On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.

I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...

I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.  

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

P.x

Hot News

Yesterday was so so hot!

I don't feel like I'm in England anymore. Looks like one of those tropical countries!

I don't even try going outside in this heat. I do feel a bit sad because I love my tan but I know that would just make me feel worse. So I'm now enjoying my balcony from 19:30 onward as it's the best time of the day, nice and cool and I can see the sunset! - Bliss

Funny episode (essay alert!) that happened last week was to do with a certain charity for young people with cancer.
M signed myself up a bit more than a month ago as we thought that we both needed counselling. The lady that identified herself as counsellor gave me a couple of dates to go to coffee meetings with other people with similar situation as mine. I wasn't able to show up to those meetings as one coincided with one of the days I was poorly and the other one had the electricity guy installing my smart meter. All of this to say that in the mean time, M signed himself up for counselling and they said someone would contact him soon. Two weeks later (probably a month later since the lady contacted me), M was not very impressed and sent them as email with his disappointment - Although they are a charity, they shouldn't commit to people if they are not going to help, so then people can find someone else instead of waiting - As answer to his email they said they had sent two emails - And they didn't (no, not even in the spam box) - then they almost begged to help.
This counsellor lady, called M but as he was at work and couldn't talk, she rang me. - I thought to myself: Oh lucky me, I've been needing to talk to someone in the last few days, perhaps she can help - Sure! - She started the conversation with the coffee meeting again and how I'd benefit from them - But oh, the next one is on my chemo week so I can't go again - and what she doesn't understand is that I don't feel confident just to show up somewhere where I don't know anyone and I wasn't even invited to take a friend. Anyway, then I went on about how sad and down I'd been feeling with everything going on and how the chemo week affected us, and, amongst all the crap cheer up talk she said: I should feel happy about the sun and should enjoy the sun and the good weather... - Ermm, lady, I can't catch any sun...I burn. How is that thinking happy if I can't do what I used to love? - I very politely answered with a "oh yeah...perhaps it will, although I can't really expose myself to the sun" - What's with this people to keep saying for me to enjoy the sun when I'm trying to hide from it.. - So then I kept telling her how depressed and feeling like crying etc, and she said: "Oh have you seen what happened to those people in London tower? That was awful, if you think that's so many things going on in the world"... And that's when I stopped listening - Is this person actually undermining my problems? I'm not a counsellor and I know, that we all suffer differently and cope differently with the same situation... and certainly stating that other peoples problems are worse than mine, doesn't particularly help with my one. By the end of it, she didn't offer any counselling session face to face. So I assume that was it, that was her professional input. Honestly, I do understand that is a charity, and they can't do face to faces as they might not have a private office, but that was the worst counselling session ever. Charity or not!
I'm a nurse, and if I was doing charity I wouldn't say to the person, "go home and bandage your wound yourself".

Oh well, on another note, there's news!

Last week on Wednesday was the 8 week mark for the genetics result. We've waited until the end of the week to see if anyone would ring, and no one did, so I've decided to ring them today. The receptionist said not all the results were back and the doctor was just discussing some of them with the laboratory. - Heart race! What does that mean? - So I patiently waited for the doctor to ring me back.
The tone of her voice and the preparation to initiate the conversation were quite frightening. "Your results are back, and they are all NEGATIVE for BRCA1 and BRCA2 mutation. But... - Shit, there's a but - I had to go clarify this with the lab today and you've got a variant in your genes, there's no evidence that variants cause cancer but that's what makes you be you." - So basically, I shouldn't worry about this variant, my family doesn't carry the genes, I won't pass the genes to my embryos, I won't have to have both breasts removed, my chemo will probably be reduced and still, I'm not jumping with happiness.
What's wrong with me? I should be jumping and celebrating. Instead, I'm blaming myself. What if it was something that I've done in my life that has caused cancer?

"Life cannot be written; Life can only be lived."

P.x

Good Days and Bad Days

Some days we feel happy, and some days we feel sad...

We are allowed.

We don't have to be strong 100% of the time. Just keep going, you're doing the best that you can with what was given to you.
No other situation is better or worse, we all perceive difficult moments differently, not everyone cries for the same reasons and not everyone suffers intensely with grief the same way that not everyone is a smiler nor everyone cries with happiness.
I wish I could say that I'm holding on ok, for the people that don't know me, 80% of the time, I'm still smiling, still laughing, still standing. The other 20% I'm struggling with emotions. The "why me" still shows up to the scene every now and then, the "I want to give up" and "I don't want this anymore" were at their worst last week. It's such a roller coaster of emotions, because you know that what's making you worse is also what's making you better - but "why me"?? - the changes in your body that you can't control, it's all "to make you better". Better from this evil inside me that took over our lives.

It definitely makes a huge difference to have yourself surrounded by the right people but unfortunately most of them can't help. Most of the times I have to help myself and snap out of it. - Which I eventually did this week. I said to myself suck it up buttercup and move along!

On different note: My Hair!

Oh dear, the amount of things I have to say about this adventure with my hair.

By the end of last week, I had to cut my hair shorter because it was hurting on the pillow. It definitely helped - for 4 or 5 days - until it started itching my scalp and hurting specially when wearing scarfs. When you put a scarf on - specially the way I wear them - they have to be tight to the scalp so they don't fall, as most of the times they are held by tension. So things between me and my hair were definitely very "tense" So on Saturday, as an act of desperation and courage, I called the blades in! - M run away from me because it was making him cringe just the thought of it - I shaved most of it myself and L came to give me a hand on the back of my head.

It's gone now! - YAY me! - No more hair on the pillow, no more pain with scarves, no more pain with the wig, no more hair all over me after a shower, no more hair itchiness poking through clothes, no more worrying "the hair is falling so much". Now it's gone and I'm so relieved - Never thought I'd ever say this. (Never say never lol). 

So with all this I managed to wear my "Bella" for the first time - Yes I named it! It's a mix between my two favourite characters: Belle from Beauty and the Beast and Bella from Twilight - I'm a bit weird I know! - Another adventure with it, as I got it too tight the first time and had to go in a public toilet while we were out to re-adjust it as it felt like my brain was being crushed. Got it right in the end and managed to rock it at S birthday party in the evening. I'm very impressed with it, it feels very real and I like wearing it - Although not when it's really really hot.

Another thing I've noticed, my hair growth has stopped for now. Since I've shaved 4 weeks ago my body hair stopped growing, - which in my opinion it's the best part of chemo side effects - even my eyebrows don't need threading anymore! 

Not sure if I'm looking forward for another week of good weather where I can't enjoy fully, but, on the other hand, at least I'm feeling ok and don't have any side effects that are bothering me at the moment.

"Those who bring sunshine into the lives of others, cannot keep it from themselves."

P.x 

Round Two - Two Down!

Damn! It's been a hell of a ride!

Monday: Chemo day. I went extremely positive to the chemo session. What was not to be positive about? It's one more chemo down. One closer to the end! Then after 3pm it's all a blur. Between feeling sick and tired and crying and panic about feeling sick, ringing the chemo line, ringing the GP for some prescription and waiting 3 hours to ring back and say that he can't help because he doesn't have the medication I need - I do understand now why people then go to A&E. So 3.30am and after a trip to the hospital for fluids and anti-sickness, I was back home in bed.

The rest of the week was a living hell. Even though I had extra anti-sickness, I was not able to tolerate fluids. Fluids made me feel even more sick. - But I needed to drink them! - Spent the week battling M and mum that were constantly trying to shove fluids down my throat. - Noooo. I hate this! I know that I have to drink, but I can't. The thought of it makes me sick. - Then jellies came to my life. And ice lollies! They made such a difference. - Learning curve for next chemo: Have jellies and ice lollies at ready! 

It's Sunday now and I'm still feeling sick, not as bad, I can drink now but not big amounts. It settles more when I lay down - which is basically what I've been doing all weekend anyway, as the GCSF injections started and I've got aches and pains and tiredness (like I've run a marathon). Only gone out for a couple of hours on Saturday just to enjoy the sun and a bit of fresh air and that gave me a 10hr night sleep. - Best lay in that we had in months though!

To be honest, it is with a bit of an effort I'm writing this time. I don't feel like talking, or writing or doing anything. But I'm forcing myself. I want to document my journey, and I want it to be fresh in my mind (although not a lot of details this time as I spent most of my week struggling with food and drink - Yes, that was all the excitement I had all week.) Pyjamas are my best friend - at least they don't tell me to drink - and pillow is my best confident (and professional tear holder). 

It's not been easy, I wish I could say it is. It's a really tough journey, not just physical but mental as well. The amount of times I feel like crying and sending everything to hell is unreal. But then I think I've got so much to look forward to in a years time and this is not the end of the road...

All I keep asking to *whatever/whoever* is out there is to only be 6 sessions instead of 8. I just want it to be over... 

Oh almost forgot! There was a bit more excitement this week: We had a call from the hospital saying that the neck biopsy came back negative!!! Whoop whoop! Don't have to do that one again.

I'm now M's little hedgehog - Head is very spiky and sometimes it hurts on the pillow, but in the middle of it all it's the least of my worries, and we laugh about it sometimes.

Now, because I still have a nurse in me and I won't ever stop preaching this: 

Please do check yourselves, be careful when you expose yourself to the sun, re-think your life choices (smoking and drinking and drugs) - This is so so hard... if you can avoid it, please do! 

"Change the way you look at things and the things you look at change."

P.x

Short Short Short

Unless you've been through it, I don't think you will ever understand.

-- 3rd of June --

Today was The Day! Hair is gone.

Extremely emotional day. Since this morning my mind was made up but we had a day out with the family and I wanted to feel "normal" for one last day. But I didn't.
On Monday the 29th the first few hairs started to fall - but only 4 or 5 would show up on my hand whilst in the shower - and the scalp started to ache. On Thursday more hair started falling. Styling my hair with mousse kept it from falling too much during the day but a lot would come out at the end of the day.

Thursday - Friday - Saturday

Yesterday (Friday) the fall was pretty bad by the end of the day, I was afraid of going to bed and waking up with my whole hair on my pillow (a bit dramatic I know), lucky me that M has a bit of brains when I don't and he encouraged the hair cut as soon as I felt ready. But I didn't want to do it in the morning. I just wanted one more day feeling normal, without people staring. So all I got was a very self conscious me with shit loads of mousse in her hair to stick back all the loose hair on top of my head. Felt like if I touched it would all fall off.
All I thought the whole day was that it needed cutting, and I needed the courage to do it. Half of the motivation was there: my hair had become extremely annoying the last couple of days as it was making me itch every 5 minutes with each strand falling, and I knew I couldn't stand that for long - I am very picky with itchiness.
A very emotional evening followed.
As soon as we got home I grabbed M's clippers and I went for it. Hair fell down through the tears of both M and myself. I recognise that face in the mirror, but don't see myself. Hair is such a big thing for me, no matter how many times M or Mum or my friends say I'm beautiful with or without hair, I don't feel like myself. I don't want to look myself in the mirror.

                      

(I wrote all of this last night but didn't have the guts to post it online. I was feeling very down and there were a lot of tears from Mum, M and me. There's no words that can describe it. Yesterday Cancer took away a small piece of my smile and happiness. I will get it back, one day I will. In the mean time I'll just smile through the tears hold on to family and friends and hope for a better tomorrow.)

-- 4th June --

Today I've tried my first scarf!

Laying my head on the pillow is not painful anymore. So I can tell that is a positive of cutting it shorter.
Still didn't like the look of me in the mirror. A nights sleep didn't change that for me. I guess I'll get used to it.
Spent a good 15 minutes trying different scarfstyles and didn't like the ones I thought I would. The chosen one is not too bad, but I'll definitely have to keep trying.
The headscarf was a must today, we went to meet The Body Coach - Joe Wicks and get a signed book - he has really inspired us to start eating right and change the food that we bring home. Specially now for recovery post chemo that I need to eat the right foods to keep me going strong and healthy and kick cancer out of me.
We honestly believe that the cure for cancer is based in a mix of chemotherapy, good food and positive energy.

Anyway, wearing a scarf in public was not as bad as I thought. Didn't feel that many eyes on me, although I think it helped with they letting M coming in with me - I think the guy felt a bit sorry for me - to the signing as they refused other partners until I complained that we were allowed a +1.
We had a good day in the end and getting to meet Joe was definitely the highlight of our day!

Second chemo is tomorrow. I just hope the side effects are not too bad. Fingers crossed.

"Challenge your assumptions and identify your limiting beliefs. Every time you find yourself thinking that you can't do something, ask yourself 'Why not?' "

Check It On the First ( . ) ( . ) ( • ) ( • )

It's the first of the month again ladies and gents!

Let's get those boobies out and get checking them!

No excuse for not doing it, takes 5 minutes, even if it is before getting up of just as you're going to bed. My post on the first of May show's how you can do it at home. Your partner can do it for you too!

Yesterday was a day of good news. We went for a repeat biopsy of my neck and an appointment with the oncologist.
I was a complete nerve wreck before the biopsy. The first time it was done, took about 20-30 minutes the whole procedure - the doctor might not have been as experienced - I cried that day because there was so much tension in the room and I was sure he was hurting my body even though I didn't feel any pain.
This time, completely different experience. In 5 minutes of being in the room I was ready to come out again. The doctor was amazingly quick - you can tell she was more experienced due to the difference approach on my neck - she told me to sit up instead of laying on the bed and the approach was through the back of my neck which made a huge difference! I just hope this one comes with some sort of result and not inconclusive again.
Pain wise I can tell you now that was nothing compared with the previous one. On the first one I felt pain for a few days and the week after I could still feel bruised inside. Last night I didn't even struggle to fall asleep, no extra pain relief was required apart from the local anaesthetic and paracetamol they gave me there and then.

To be honest I was ready to get there and refuse to have it done by the same doctor as my experience was horrendous and made me be anxious about going for a biopsy again - and I'm usually brave for all those medical interventions. And people that know me, know that I'm even up for medical students or junior doctors try things on me, as long as they've got a back up or someone to go to if they can't do it - that wasn't the case.

The appointment with the consultant was unexpectedly good! First we had results from bone biopsy and it's Clear!! M had lots of questions, especially related to my "lack of symptoms" after chemo. The oncologist said it was completely normal to only have a few but she offered to give more medication just in case I needed it. The only thing she added was codeine for my aches and pains post chemo and post GCSF injections.
Doctor was very happy with the way I was coping with everything and lack of symptoms that she wanted to examine me and my tumour. - "I won't expect to find it any different but we should check" - M and I looked at each other and said instantly: "But we have noticed a difference." About a week and a half ago I thought I'd check on the lump and as we were trying to find it we've noticed that was almost gone. We didn't want to jinx it or anything so we waited until the doctor confirmed that has significantly reduced. She was so amazed at it and surprised that gone down with just one chemo. Now we just have to wait for the genetics results and if the gene is negative, I might only have to do 6 rounds of chemo instead of 8!
And those are great news!

Mum arrives today as next chemo will be on Monday so we are aiming for some good quality time over the weekend before side effects come back to torture me again. Bring it on! 💪

"We can complain because rose bushes have thorns; or rejoice because thorn bushes have roses"

P.x 

Weekend of Deep Thoughts

There's been moments that I just want to escape this world and reality.

This weekend was one of those moments.

Cancer has taken over our lives, and we don't want that. We need to be in control. we need to be able to do things without being afraid of cancer. We need to stop our brains to remind us of this horrible fate that came upon us. We're not able to remember life before cancer, we don't know how it feels anymore. Everything changed. The way we see the world and the way the world sees us. I don't want people feeling sorry for me, I want people to still tell me their happy thoughts and their happy moments, share with me their daily struggles and moans without thinking that "oh you're going through worse". No! We all have battles, we all have our good and bad moments that we like to share with other people. Don't think for a second that I won't be happy for you or for your achievements. 

If something, cancer made me see that there's more to life than holding grudges and feeling jealous of people. I've learnt that every single one of us have their own struggles and battles to fight and it doesn't matter what they are, because at that point in time they are important. Don't judge people if they are going through a bad moment, they might be fighting a battle you know nothing about, because not everyone shares their life on social media. 

Be kind to one another and love each other.

- Deep thoughts over - 

Friday was my first day out in two weeks. I felt anxious. I hadn't seen people - apart from family - since I had my hair cut and had my chemo - ridiculously that made me feel vulnerable and afraid of the world. It's unbelievable what a couple of weeks without being a sociable person can do to you. After I was out with the girls definitely felt more confident and end up having a really good time with the old gang!

As per the rest of the weekend, back in February - far away from thinking this would have come so handy - we booked a weekend away by the beach, just because we thought it would be a good idea. And sure it was. A month ago we didn't even know if we would be able to make it, the way people "painted" cancer was so much more horrendous than what it actually has been. And we are extremely thankful for it. We never thought this weekend would come in such a good time and it was so needed. All we've been doing for the last 2 months is cancer related, there's not one single day we don't speak about it, with friends, relatives or complete strangers.

So this weekend we ran away from all of that and decided to be normal and feel normal. It was just the perfect weekend for it! So lucky with the weather. M and I went with a couple of friends and we all had our first BBQ on the beach, lots of walking, ice creams, a day on the beach and the first swim of the year (not for me, L was the brave one!) But the most important thing, we laughed!

The only thing I always had to be aware of was the sun. 50spf every day before leaving the house and looking for shade whenever possible. The big hat I bought is very handy but not when it's windy. 

A lot of water to make up for the heat and a good rest after the long walks and I managed to have a normal weekend away. 

Now, ahead we've got a pre-chemo week - I know... it's gone so fast!

No more horrible side effects so far. So I'm pretty happy with the good week that I promised myself!

Every day we make it without side effects is a win! We have now learnt how to appreciate those days - although we still feel like it's a bit of a miracle.

"Sale away from the safe harbour. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."

Life is Never Boring

I have decided that this week will be a good week.

Even though I'm in pain. It has to be a good one.

Mum has gone back home on Monday and it might be the last day she sees me with this hairstyle. So first we had to take a selfie!

The hair should start falling around day 14, and we're at day 10 already. Everyday I've been playing with it, making those little twists that most of us secretly like, and everyday I've got this secret fear that one of those twists will just get stuck around my finger and comes off my scalp. - So I keep checking. And nothing so far. - Anyway, if it does, at least is while I'm doing something I enjoy. Looking at the towel after a shower and look for "hair loss" has become a habit too. I shouldn't be so obsessed with it and should just embrace it, but I think I want to cut it really short before bigger amounts start falling. So let's embrace it and try to take it as a part of the process, similar to all those injections and medical interventions. 

Hair update:

The wig is ordered, Tracey came to see me on Monday to do a color and length consultation, 

I've got a feeling that I'll like it, just afraid it will be to hot to wear, but as M says all the time: "then you'll have the option". - The baldness will remain until winter time anyway, so I'll have plenty of time to use it. 

Medical interventions update:

Another thing that happened last week, we got a phone call from the hospital saying that they need to repeat the ultrasound and biopsy of my neck as it came inconclusive, the good thing is: it won't be this week. I'm waiting for a letter and definitely not looking forward to it. I'll have an appointment with the oncologist next week and will get the bone scan results and hopefully she can stage the cancer once and for all.

Fertility update:

We've got 3 little embryos that have been frozen and will be waiting for us in a few years time and that is sooooo exciting! We've got 3 tiny lives awaiting us and despite the fact there is 50/50 chances of them implanting first try, it's a pretty good thing to hold on to!

Last night I had my last injection of GSCF (Filgrastin) and since then been having horrible bone and muscle aches. It feels like someone is squeezing my bones together from the inside in 10 second intervals, leaving me with weak legs and difficulty in breathing for the duration of the spasms. This is the best I can describe it as they are located mostly on my lumbar back and rib cage (from the back to the front) weirdest feeling ever. - I know... seems like I've got a new thing every day, my life is never boring! - M looked pretty scared this morning when he caught me on my way to the floor as both of my hands were occupied and I wasn't quick enough to hold on to something.

So uncle R had to take me to the nurse today for my new injection (Zoladex it's name, also known as Goserelin) as I was unsafe to drive myself - thank goodness this one is only every four weeks and I don't have to do it myself, whoop whoop!- This injection will cause a temporary menopause with the intent to save my ovaries from being so damaged with the hope that I can get the fertility back. Fingers crossed.

"Strength grows in the moments when you think you can't go on, but you keep going anyway."

P.x 

Not So Good Week

When you think things are almost going back to normal, there comes the hormones to ruin it again.

(Sarcasm alert!)

I felt normal for 2 days... just 2 days.

Then a stream of emotions came down on me. Well, it definitely arrived a little to early. But that's exactly what happens, our monthly old friend always shows up when we least expect.
Since I had to inject myself with those stupidly high doses of hormones that my body doesn't really know what's happening, or what it's supposed to do, or when - We're both confused really - So now we both have to cope with a 15 year old version of me: irrational crying (actually spent an hour in the bathroom crying - shame on me), extreme mood swings (leave me alone kind of thing), lower abdominal pain (back to curl up in bed feeling sorry for myself) and headaches (however there might be another reason for those). All those "cool" things that I used to hate as a teenager and got promised they would go - oh they did... temporarily, with my good old friend pill (never truly appreciated how easy the pill made things for me, until now).

And now as it's been a week since my first chemotherapy, my immune system might start to lower it's functions and for that reason, brilliant doctors or scientists created another injection for me to take. Filgrastim it's name. Another horrible little devil that hurts like hell to be injected and the side effects make me feel like I've been run over by a bus: Headaches (the kind that makes me feel like my brain is going to explode through my eyes), tiredness and aches around my body (enough to keep me in bed for half a day). 

As you can see, not been in a very good mood to write, nor my eyes would allow me. 

My daily walks eventually turned into going out food shopping too and I'm pretty sure some days I've overdone it. But I want to feel useful. No one lets me carry any bags or shopping baskets, but I want to. I don't feel right, walking around the supermarket with my 60 year old mum carrying the shopping for me, knowing that she has her own aches and pains to deal with. 

It's awful when sometimes I feel so weak that I might break but some days when I feel better I wish people wouldn't look at me as if I'm made of glass. I used to love my independence, doing things on my own, but now I feel like all I do requires a second person to "assist". And it's so frustrating. 

I've done so much and came so far on my own, is this some learning curve showing me I should rely more on other people? That is best if we are united and live in society? Perhaps life is trying to teach me that old motto "Together we are stronger" - Thanks life, but I think I already knew that one!

On the bright side I got to spend a few days with my mum and had a nice dinner with friends even feeling at my worst. Because that's exactly what friends are for, to pick us up when we're feeling down. 

"Here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them"

P.x