Not So Good Week

When you think things are almost going back to normal, there comes the hormones to ruin it again.

(Sarcasm alert!)

I felt normal for 2 days... just 2 days.

Then a stream of emotions came down on me. Well, it definitely arrived a little to early. But that's exactly what happens, our monthly old friend always shows up when we least expect.
Since I had to inject myself with those stupidly high doses of hormones that my body doesn't really know what's happening, or what it's supposed to do, or when - We're both confused really - So now we both have to cope with a 15 year old version of me: irrational crying (actually spent an hour in the bathroom crying - shame on me), extreme mood swings (leave me alone kind of thing), lower abdominal pain (back to curl up in bed feeling sorry for myself) and headaches (however there might be another reason for those). All those "cool" things that I used to hate as a teenager and got promised they would go - oh they did... temporarily, with my good old friend pill (never truly appreciated how easy the pill made things for me, until now).

And now as it's been a week since my first chemotherapy, my immune system might start to lower it's functions and for that reason, brilliant doctors or scientists created another injection for me to take. Filgrastim it's name. Another horrible little devil that hurts like hell to be injected and the side effects make me feel like I've been run over by a bus: Headaches (the kind that makes me feel like my brain is going to explode through my eyes), tiredness and aches around my body (enough to keep me in bed for half a day). 

As you can see, not been in a very good mood to write, nor my eyes would allow me. 

My daily walks eventually turned into going out food shopping too and I'm pretty sure some days I've overdone it. But I want to feel useful. No one lets me carry any bags or shopping baskets, but I want to. I don't feel right, walking around the supermarket with my 60 year old mum carrying the shopping for me, knowing that she has her own aches and pains to deal with. 

It's awful when sometimes I feel so weak that I might break but some days when I feel better I wish people wouldn't look at me as if I'm made of glass. I used to love my independence, doing things on my own, but now I feel like all I do requires a second person to "assist". And it's so frustrating. 

I've done so much and came so far on my own, is this some learning curve showing me I should rely more on other people? That is best if we are united and live in society? Perhaps life is trying to teach me that old motto "Together we are stronger" - Thanks life, but I think I already knew that one!

On the bright side I got to spend a few days with my mum and had a nice dinner with friends even feeling at my worst. Because that's exactly what friends are for, to pick us up when we're feeling down. 

"Here's to strong women. May we know them, may we be them, may we raise them"

P.x