The End - The New Beginning - Day 282

Today was my last radiotherapy treatment.

The LAST treatment.

And after 292 days, it's over!

Now can we even begin to comprehend what just happened. Where have those 292 days gone?

So much rush and fighting to get to the end of the tunnel and where did we get to? The emptiness of an uncertain future. We still remember the day that we went to the hospital the first time to check a lump we were sure it was something silly and simple. The day we cried ourselves to sleep.


Radiotherapy wasn't a walk in the park for me. It was an unpleasant experience that drained me emotionally. I can't even compare with chemo or surgery, they were all unpleasant and horrendous. But my expectations about radiotherapy were that it would be "fine" compared to the other two. From my point of view, it wasn't "fine". Tears came out of my eyes every time I was laying on that table and felt miserably down every single day. M had a copious amount of patience that I could never thank him enough for it - believe me when I say I'm a terrible patient and a miserable cow when I'm depressed - Not everyone's experience is the same, but this was mine and I was not ready for it. So if you are about to have radiotherapy, please get yourself ready for it all - The good, the bad and the evil.

The cancer is gone! Chemotherapy, surgery and my - damn stubborn - attitude got rid of it, radiotherapy was just a preventive measure to make me live longer and healthier(?). According to the health professionals, the word remission doesn't exist anymore, from now I'm NED - No Evidence of Disease - and we hope that it carries on as it is.

I'm so happy this is over, no more injections, no more scans, no more trips to the hospital, no more waiting rooms, no more radiation. No more, until the year check up, or until I panic about my scar tissue, or until I feel insecure. Realistically, this is not completely over, only a small part of it. My scars are still here, still healing, my breast is still slightly misshaped, my skin is still red/purple from radiation and will be sensitive for the rest of my life, and my arm is still at risk of lymphoedema.

We can't pick up where we've left off like people say, as I'm sure we're not the same people that we were in 31th March 2017. We're battered and bruised and scarred. From now we have to find a new normal, and that's scary. I'm scared of living in fear, but looking forward to have some control over my life. Grievance is something 'm learning to deal with every day and will be part of my new normal. So please we just ask you yo be patient while we adjust.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with us and for believing that this unicorn would find the other side of the rainbow.

How many of us would love a fresh start? A new beginning?

This story is not over. It's only just beginning.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion"

P.x

Night Time Tears

For a week I've had this "lump" on my throat that puts me on a verge of crying. And I do sometimes. And I feel guilty, and sad, and anxious and depressed.

I feel lucky because my type of cancer has a cure, but I have a dreadful fear of it coming back, now that I approach the end of my treatment I get scared that things go out of control.

Then I feel guilty for crying, for feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is crap when there's so many people in a worse situation than mine.

That's when sadness comes. for the other fighters out there that are facing those fears everyday and don't know when and if it's ever gonna end.

Then I feel grateful for living another day, for breathing, for being able to hug M every morning and hear that he loves me more than the day before. Such small little things to be so so grateful about.

Have you stopped and thought today? What are you grateful for?
Even if you're just grateful for getting out of bed, that's ok, that is a great victory.

P.x

Perfect Little Moments

Life is not perfect but you can obtain perfect little moments out of it.

Let's start with the beginning of the week, when my radiotherapy started - It will be easy they said. The easiest part of the treatment they said - But it wouldn't be my treatment if it didn't have a hiccup on the easiest part. Three weeks ago, when I had my radiotherapy tattoos done, my body was still very tense and uncomfortable laying on the CT table with my arms up. Now with almost full rage of movement, the way my arms go behind my head is different and consequently more relaxed body. Apparently having a relaxed body in this situation is not good as the measurements then didn't match. The 20 minutes I was promised turned into 1 hour. My good arm went numb twice and they had to pause for recovery. The big boss had to come along eventually to authorise the treatment - one more pair of eyes on my boobs. Nice! lol - All of this made me panic just for a moment and almost cried but everyone was focused on my boob and no one noticed - Phew!
The rest of the week went quite smoothly, barely waited, almost in & out, only time for a quick pic in the changing room.

So far this week of radiotherapy has been localised, focused on the place where the tumour was. My skin is starting to change. Colour and texture on the inside. I could go a bit further and say my boob is even more misshaped - but only very slightly, only noticeable to my eyes - For the last 3 days - I didn't know it before - I've been applying an ice pack before and after to cool down the skin and prevent the burning. Have been applying cream three times a day, but only milky lotions for radiated skin. So far so good though.

Radiotherapy doesn't hurt and I don't feel it. Although there was a day that I could swear my boob was tingling inside whilst the radiation was on - although might have just been my brain making it up.
Now I get to rest and enjoy 4 days with no radiotherapy and Christmas with some of the family.
Apart from radiotherapy everyday something else happened: My birthday! I'm 31 now and I can probably tell that in one year I've aged about 5 years. Wiser and older I'll carry on smiling through the path that life gave me as there's no other way of facing it.

M, though, thought the "wise and old" needed some more reasons to celebrate.
After what was for both of us a year of hell, with so many emotions involved, he stood beside me without blinking or stumbling, carrying a "burden" that I could never imagine. So on the 20th December, M got down on one knee and made me the happiest girl alive.

My hero, my rock, my best friend, the love of my life.
The day he made my life perfect. That perfect little moment forever engraved in my heart. No matter how much crap life throws at us, he wants to stay by my side through thick and thin, to love and to hold. And so do I. So I said YES!
I'm beyond excited. For a perfect moment I forgot I had cancer and everything felt so good and normal.

There is no better way to finish off what it seemed to be the worst year of our lives, but also the most enlightening. We are now engaged, and although he will always be my partner, I've officially upgraded M to Fiancé. May the force be with us! (Just for all the Star Wars fans out there that went to see the episode VIII)

I might have put this quote here before but still very true...

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations" 

P.x 

Overwhelming Thoughts - Post Surgery Update

A little update

I haven't done updates for a while. Christmas has crept up on me and made me feel overwhelmed with a bunch of things that I'd like to share as they are building up on my chest.

I love Christmas and always have, December is my favourite month because my birthday celebrations happen too. Although this year I've been trying to keep busy and do a bunch of things that I've never been able to do while at work because of time and now I'm all prepared for what it looks like a "perfect Christmas" I feel a little bit down every day - there might be another reason for this that I'll explain in a moment - I'm definitely trying to snap out of it and be thankful for what I've got but there's a lot of times that I'm focusing on what I don't have. I'm thankful for having an amazing partner that is sticking with me through thick and thin, my mum that is always on the other side of the phone when she's not making all the efforts to be here by my side, my dad who just came to visit me after not seeing me for 4 years - old grudges got in the way, but peace is made with the past now - my whole family that are on the other side of the video chat, and M's family that are constantly worried about me. Friends are definitely who I miss most this time of the year. Unfortunately everyone is busy or in another country because that's what Christmas is all about: going home and see your family. Now this is where cancer wins a little bit. I won't be able to have my friends/family annual reunion that is now a tradition, and wrongly I feel slightly jealous of everyone that is able to do it and don't appreciate it fully. Don't get me wrong, I'll be spending Christmas surrounded by M's family and my mum and I'm very thankful for it - I just wanted a bit more, that bit more that I have every year that won't be able to have this year, that's all.

I just want you all to be thankful and appreciate the people that are near your this holiday season, don't waste your time with arguments, tell people you love them and swallow whatever pride you have and make contact with that person you haven't spoken to for years. Life is too short.

Now back to the update. Guess what is not pleasant and is back in my life? - Yes, you're right, my period!
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this made me happy for a day or two, and sharing is caring! I'm not happy about it anymore and it can go again - lol - Never thought it would come back this early. It was exactly two months after I finished my Zoladex injections. It's a good sign because it means that I'm not menopausal - yay - but I'm not sure about my fertility yet, will have to check this with the doctors. Basically I think all those feelings I'm having might have to do with my hormones being all over the place too, my body is getting used to "normality" again.

About my post surgery recovery, everything is going well, have been discharged from the physiotherapy and the range of movement is getting better every day, I push it a bit more everyday. The scar tissue under my arm and on my breast are crazy big - looks like I've got a lump similar to the tumour and every day when I touch it doing the cream massage - I panic just a little bit and then tell myself that is scar tissue and it should be fine. I'm letting myself start the radiotherapy and see if it changes and might contact someone at the hospital at the beginning of the year just in case.

Scars are doing well I just hope radiotherapy doesn't change them. This picture was taken in the morning before applying the cream - greasy hands and greasy skin are not photo friendly. I've noticed that the scars are needing 3x more cream than the body, but it's winter and skin dries more anyway. I've been using these two products on my scars, and so far I'm happy. I've got another two lined up for radiotherapy and I can see that will need to moisturise 5 times a day to avoid peeling skin.

Hair is growing - slow-fast - but I'm preparing another post about it.

"Be grateful when things are going your way, be graceful when they're not."

P.x 

Forgive Your Past

Guess what?

Five years ago I was a scary little mess flying to an unknown country, to live and work with strangers and embrace a whole new culture. Every year I get to this day and look back on what I have achieved so far in those conditions. Not everyone is strong enough to live family and friends behind, or 25 years of a "took for granted" life. - But I did, with not one single regret. - I could say it's been hard at times, that I cried so much at the beginning, that had been times that I would go back home every month because I couldn't stand the distance. However it's also been the time that I've accomplished my professional dreams and created a new family. Although all of that is true, it doesn't seem to be the main thing that pops up in my mind on the 6th of December.

I've got cancer... or I had it. According to the papers I've got with me, they say there's no evidence of disease but as this is not over yet, I still feel like something is still wrong inside.

It's December, my favourite time of the year, and I'm pooing my pants with the unknown. Radiotherapy will start soon and it will be 1 year that day that I haven't been "home". Remember when I said I used to go every month? Tough luck.

On the other hand, being in this country for five years made me create the roots I needed, made me meet extraordinary people build up my support system and my new family. So for some reason, I feel that all of this was meant to be. In this exact time, with these exact people I wouldn't be able to do it without. They for sure know who they are.
Ever wonder when someone enters your life how special they are going to be? Yeah me neither, but now I tend to pay more attention to who stays and who goes.

As many cons cancer might have, the biggest pro was making me aware of regrets and grudges. The way it changed my view of people and life in general. How it made me forgive and perhaps store the grudges in a little box on the back of my head.

So today I'd like to take a minute - just the one as I've got a busy day ahead - to reflect on how "lucky" I can consider myself for having the right ones around me.

If I could pass a message on today would be forgive your past. (She says as she's about to pick her dad up from the airport after years of barely no contact)

So now, 6th of December, you too have changed from a reflection on the immigration day to reflection on life day.

P.x

Stumble and Raise

It's 2am and I can't sleep. 

Haven't had insomnia like this for a long time. 

Stress is the reason for it.

I'm bringing this on myself. How could I even think I'd be able to do so much in a week. Perhaps I thought I could fit it all just because I rested plenty for 3 weeks. Or because I just had enough of feeling useless and now need some sort of feeling of achievement.

Recovery is going well, or at least I think so. Physiotherapist will let me know in the morning... and the CT I couldn't do last week for lack of arm movement, they better do it tomorrow or I might just throw a tantrum. 

Post surgery is being harder than I expected. Can't tell exactly why, but not dealing well with my uselessness. It's a depressive state on top of frustrating pain/ache and inadequate arm movement for the last month.
Scars are healing but they're still raw. The pain - that in all fairness gets better every day - is there to remind me of the process. Taking off my clothes reminds me I had cancer. Getting my breakfast off the high shelf in the morning reminds me I had surgery. Not be able to lay on my side at night reminds me that my life will never be the same again.

I feel selfish thinking of myself this way as there's so many people going through worse. I just wish no one had to go through any of this.

We struggle, we stumble and we fall. But we also raise. And we raise to be better, better human beings, better souls. Respect to all of us fighting and all the fighters that fought one day. Winning or winning (I don't believe there are any losers) we all should be very proud of the great human beings we are for enduring such a hard journey.

UPDATE:

Physiotherapy this morning went well! Apparently I'm doing really well even though I doubt myself every day. The full movement of the arm should be back in 2-4 weeks and so I hope. 

CT was finally done and now I've got new ink on my body. The dots they've made - one in the middle and one on each side of the breasts were accurately measured so they align with the lasers to do the radiotherapy exactly in the right place. 

P.x

Feeling Lucky

Today I feel lucky.

I'm not saying that I am lucky, but I feel fortunate.

Having almost won a battle against cancer does not make me lucky. Although having cancer was out of luck - a very bad luck - this sort of diagnose is very unfortunate. The fact that I fought and came out the other end with a few scars and bad memories still doesn't make me lucky. Not me or anyone with a similar diagnose and outcome.

Life is so unfair sometimes and not everyone has the same outcome. Some people don't come out with just a few scars, some people don't come out at all. And that breaks my heart. That is the only reason why I feel lucky.

I feel lucky because I made peace with my past, I started speaking to people I had long stop speaking to, I became more forgiving, my family and M found a strength they didn't know they had.
Cancer showed me the ones worth having by my side, brought me a new bunch of friends, a new perspective in life and made me reflect on things I never considered before.
I feel lucky because I still have a life ahead of me, a lot of memories and mistakes to be made and risks to be taken.
Even if today I didn't enjoy it, and left it til tomorrow, I feel lucky enough to have tomorrow.

Then I feel sad, devastated, angry, furious because not everyone is allowed to feel lucky. Not everyone has a family or friends to support them, not everyone finds their strength and sometimes cancer scores before they are able to.

Cancer. What a horrible thing to feel lucky about.

P.x

Post Op Week - We Celebrate!

The first post op week was quite intense.

The weekend at home was spent with a fair amount of painkillers that were leaving me either drowsy and with reduced appetite - well I wouldn't really mind the second if it wasn't a borderline sickness - so basically I had mum and M to do everything for me - great deal actually! This teaches us so much in life, is teaching me to let go of certain things I'd get up and do and that are not that important. Just put it this way: if you had to ask a stranger to do you that favour, would you ask them, or would that be asking to much out of someone? If it would it's because it's not important, and you can leave it till tomorrow or the next day when you're able to do it. Don't overdo yourself! - Just a random life advice from the one that has been sitting on a sofa getting annoyed at the things she can't do rather than getting happy with the things that she's able to.

Back to Monday when I went to take my drain out - I'd already reduced the painkillers the day before to half of it as I was not liking the constant "high" feeling - I had to load the system with the strong stuff. Ready for "battle" and expecting a lot of pain, turned out taking the dressing and the little stitch was the worse of it; then what it felt like a worm inside my body coming from the top of the chest lined up with the armpit then all the way down by the side of the chest towards the line of the bra, came out and it felt empty - no extra pain, just empty. After that no more horrible painkillers.

On Tuesday started the exercises the physiotherapist sent through the post in a leaflet form. They turned out very difficult to do at first just because the swelling was painful and in the way making impossible to lay my arm down along my body. I panicked as the fluid collection increased since I had the drain removed. After a "consultation" with the Tits - just in case I never mentioned here, the Tits are a WhatsApp group I belong too with a few very experienced ladies and a gentleman that have been/are going through the same nightmare that is breast cancer - the fluid collection was all normal to have after surgery and I shouldn't panic too much.

And I'm glad I didn't as the next day I swear I've noticed a slight improvement, and perhaps this was so exciting that made me show off to M's family a little bit on all the arm movements I was already able to do - I could even reach my bra to undo it... proud Patty! 

Oh how naive I was! Who wants to guess what happens next? Yes - Pain!

I'm gonna call it #painbackthursday. The day I woke up in so much pain that seemed like I just had surgery again. I don't know if it was the extra movement the day before, the lack of resting (as we went out for lunch) or a bad sleeping position - or all of the above - but surely something did it. It made me feel I was back to square one with panikillers - that I refused to take till the afternoon because I just hate the way they make me feel - and no, there's no others I can take unfortunately.

Friday woke up slightly better and went out for a walk just to keep the joints moving - yes I still have my joint aches that were a bit masked by all the painkillers for the first few days - and it felt good, had to be slowly, but good. I've attempted my DIY distraction just to keep me busy and distracted. Finally finished my cutie unicorn and started some Christmas decorations - Yay, Christmas is coming!!!! The most wonderful time of the year - and managed the whole day without pain relief. Although my luck was not at it's best that day. In the morning I realised I didn't have a letter for my appointment on Monday, - the one the surgeon told me someone would book me - I rang the hospital and got upset with someone that almost told me it was my fault that I should have booked it myself and had to wait until Monday - the actual appointment date - to find out if they could fit me in last minute. Not happy with this and crying my eyes out again - as Monday's appointment meant checking the wounds and take the dressings out - asked help again to my dear experienced Tits that directed me to book with the surgeons secretary instead - Hallelujah, it was finally sorted. Now fast forward to the evening when I decided to have a nice hot shower and wet my under arm dressing - F***. I did put 2 extra tape to prevent water from getting in, you can tell it didn't work... - Panic again. What do I do? What would I do if it was someone else? Why does my nurse brain go blank when I get myself in panicking mode? I've got dressings, so let's change it - not before a complete flap and a few tears. - Mum helped me to do the best clean dressing we could do. And breath... we're ok now.


Did I speak too soon? Probably! The pain was worse again on Saturday morning, a lot of tears waking up - I'm starting to see a pattern here - but this time stopped being stubborn and took painkillers in the morning and saved myself extra suffering and ended up having a better day. Went shopping, bingo and dinner with friends - Zombie/drowsy mode was on while shopping but it was all good, just meant I had to sit down a couple of times. - and the day ended up way better than it started despite none of us win any money at bingo...

Sunday-Funday we went out to a Christmas market - this makes me very happy - but being in the middle of so many people didn't help. Had a couple of elbows and shoulders against my arm that made me jump in pain. The car rides over lumps and bumps have been annoying me too, so we had a very grumpy Patty for a couple of hours but nothing that a family lunch/dinner and a couple of paracetamol can't cure.

Monday arrived today, bringing with it a beautiful sky and great energies. I had the kindness of S that gave mum and me a lift to the hospital for what it was a 'take my dressings away and let me see my boob day'! And something I was not fully expecting: Results.
Out of the 8g of breast tissue with 3mm of clear margins and the 9 lymph nodes removed, lab results show that I had a 'Pathologic Complete Response' - meaning no cancer present on the lump or the lymph nodes they removed - Chemotherapy and positive attitude wiped cancer away from me!

I KICKED CANCER'S ARSE! F*CK YOU CANCER!

Due to this pathologic complete response the prognosis for the future looks great and the recurrence on my situation is around the 6% chances. The scaring is very neat and it's the best we could ask for. All good news.

The journey is not over yet as I still have to recover from this surgery that has given me a useless arm that needs rehabilitation to get the muscles working and stretching again without pain and radiotherapy as a preventive measure for recurrence.

Most importantly, today is World Kindness Day, I mustn't forget to remind you - lol - to be kind to one another, always. 

"Be someone's sunshine when their skies are grey"

P.x 

Post Op Blues

Thoughts

Noise, people talking - open my eyes. There's a nurse on the desk right in front of me. I've got an oxygen mask on my face - 35% venturi do I need all of this?
What time is it - look around the room to find a clock - 12:15... been in there for a while.
How much did they take? - look down my top to see a bunch of dressings but still got some of my breast.
Do I have a catheter? - I wanted to go toilet before surgery but don't feel like it now. Did they put one in and take it out? - Feel my underwear - feels untouched... weird.
Pain!
Pain! Panic because I'm in pain. Panic because I'm out of surgery and it's over. Hyperventilation 35rpm - cardiac monitor starts beeping and nurse comes to me.
Blood pressure 149/85 - I see a bit of panic on the nurses face and hear in his voice as he checks on me: Are you ok? Are you in pain? - I nod. "I'll get you some morphine" he says. I nod again. Tears were already rolling down my eyes and the nurse wiped them and told me to calm down the pain would go away soon. It wasn't just pain... was panic and fear and pain and stress..
Then I see a familiar face. A came to visit me. Tears roll down my eyes without me being able to hold them. Maybe it was happiness because I wasn't alone and then the panic and anxiety again...
Then the nurse topped up with a bit more morphine and felt weird up my arm... itching. Soon it went. Then the mask started to be uncomfortable on my face and I scratched.

Then I gained my voice again.

"Can I take this mask off? It's very unconfortable." - Little did I know that was the start...-  just the very beginning of a frenzy and continuous scratch on my nose - Oh my word! - For the next 3 hours I just couldn't stop scratching. After an X-ray to check if my portacath had been removed completely - apparently the line was cut but there was no record of how much - I was finally taken to the short stay surgical unit where my family and friends were already waiting for me - worrying for the length of time that took them to bring me over.

For the red itchy nose - Rudolph -  I had to ask for an anti histamine, and I was hungry... Sickness? None! Woo hoo! For that they decided I was worthy a menu to choose dinner that evening... erm... And then I was sick! - Did you realise I mention I wasn't sick? I really wasn't - The most weird feeling I've ever had in my life. One moment I was looking at a food menu and the other I was grabbing a bowl because some weird twist in my stomach brought up all the water I had drunk - Oh dear! Funny, but weird - So then I carried on reading the list! I was really hungry but now willing to wait for dinner. Better than that, all that hunger in me and the 20 hours I was without eating, I only managed a bowl of soup, leaving the mains and dessert - for later. 

All my concerns about the catheter - that they didn't put in...phew! - made me think that I'd probably needed the toilet, but for some reason there was no signs, until I pressed my bladder - Oh that feels very full! - I'm not going to lie, my first walk to the toilet was very dizzy and painful, glad mum was with me to help, at least I had someone to hold the stupid drain for me. 

It wasn't until I got to the room after the op that I've noticed the extreme numbness on my fingers and thumb on the affected side. It was very very numb and almost painful (?) not sure how to explain - Do you know that feeling your arm gets when it's trapped in a position for a very long time? It was like that but a tiny bit worse because the feeling doesn't go away and it hurts - Then it wasn't just the hand, underneath my arm almost had the same feeling but I couldn't feel it at all, but was very sensitive to touch - although I couldn't feel it... it's just complicated!

Getting myself comfortable in bed would have been a nightmare with pillow adjustments if it wasn't for my V shaped pillow. That, my friends, is a must have! I can't begin to explain how much it made a difference to me. I'm a side sleeper and I can't stand sleeping on my back, and that definitely made my nights - and days - bearable. 

After a night in hospital I was seen by the doctor and sent home with the drain - that I was not very happy with but rather out than in, the fluid I mean.

My fun week with drains and pains will come in another post... bear with me.

P.x

Wish Me Luck - Pre Op

Tomorrow is the day.

The day I've been fearing for the last few weeks.

So many mixed feeling and so much I didn't talk about to most people. I've not been "ok" as the words have been coming out of my mouth. I've been anxious and afraid of the operation and not dealing very well with it. But most of you might not understand that's why I say that "I'm ok" when people ask. I don't want you to feel like you have to say something about it, or give your opinions, or say that you "know someone that has been through the same". Everyone feels different about surgery and treatments and the experience is not the same to everyone. For me it's more than just a breast. It's more than just a scar. It's the reminder that cancer has been in my life. There's no reconstructive surgery that will take that away from me. I don't want to do it but I have to if I want to have the chance to live a few more years. I don't really have a choice. "But at least you're alive" - they say - and the only problem is I'll have to live with it - because I'm alive.

I've had my guide wire put in today and they had to repeat the mammogram 4 times (to check the insertion) as the tumour was at the very back of the breast and very difficult to get a "picture" from. The insertion itself wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The local anaesthetic did it's job and only got to feel a small ache after a good few hours. The guide wire is basically something they put in and splits open on the tip and grips to where the tumour is/was so the surgeons know where to go when they open up the breast. - I'll leave a rough image of what it is - and the rest of the wire stays hanging out of my breast and then it's twisted inside a dressing just to stay in place until tomorrow. - I just hope it doesn't give me any pain over night.

So ladies and gents, it's the first day of the month again so here we are one more time to encourage you to check your breasts. Please spread it around as an early detection can save lives!

Wish me luck, please!

P.x