Stumble and Raise

It's 2am and I can't sleep. 

Haven't had insomnia like this for a long time. 

Stress is the reason for it.

I'm bringing this on myself. How could I even think I'd be able to do so much in a week. Perhaps I thought I could fit it all just because I rested plenty for 3 weeks. Or because I just had enough of feeling useless and now need some sort of feeling of achievement.

Recovery is going well, or at least I think so. Physiotherapist will let me know in the morning... and the CT I couldn't do last week for lack of arm movement, they better do it tomorrow or I might just throw a tantrum. 

Post surgery is being harder than I expected. Can't tell exactly why, but not dealing well with my uselessness. It's a depressive state on top of frustrating pain/ache and inadequate arm movement for the last month.
Scars are healing but they're still raw. The pain - that in all fairness gets better every day - is there to remind me of the process. Taking off my clothes reminds me I had cancer. Getting my breakfast off the high shelf in the morning reminds me I had surgery. Not be able to lay on my side at night reminds me that my life will never be the same again.

I feel selfish thinking of myself this way as there's so many people going through worse. I just wish no one had to go through any of this.

We struggle, we stumble and we fall. But we also raise. And we raise to be better, better human beings, better souls. Respect to all of us fighting and all the fighters that fought one day. Winning or winning (I don't believe there are any losers) we all should be very proud of the great human beings we are for enduring such a hard journey.

UPDATE:

Physiotherapy this morning went well! Apparently I'm doing really well even though I doubt myself every day. The full movement of the arm should be back in 2-4 weeks and so I hope. 

CT was finally done and now I've got new ink on my body. The dots they've made - one in the middle and one on each side of the breasts were accurately measured so they align with the lasers to do the radiotherapy exactly in the right place. 

P.x