Stumble and Raise

It's 2am and I can't sleep. 

Haven't had insomnia like this for a long time. 

Stress is the reason for it.

I'm bringing this on myself. How could I even think I'd be able to do so much in a week. Perhaps I thought I could fit it all just because I rested plenty for 3 weeks. Or because I just had enough of feeling useless and now need some sort of feeling of achievement.

Recovery is going well, or at least I think so. Physiotherapist will let me know in the morning... and the CT I couldn't do last week for lack of arm movement, they better do it tomorrow or I might just throw a tantrum. 

Post surgery is being harder than I expected. Can't tell exactly why, but not dealing well with my uselessness. It's a depressive state on top of frustrating pain/ache and inadequate arm movement for the last month.
Scars are healing but they're still raw. The pain - that in all fairness gets better every day - is there to remind me of the process. Taking off my clothes reminds me I had cancer. Getting my breakfast off the high shelf in the morning reminds me I had surgery. Not be able to lay on my side at night reminds me that my life will never be the same again.

I feel selfish thinking of myself this way as there's so many people going through worse. I just wish no one had to go through any of this.

We struggle, we stumble and we fall. But we also raise. And we raise to be better, better human beings, better souls. Respect to all of us fighting and all the fighters that fought one day. Winning or winning (I don't believe there are any losers) we all should be very proud of the great human beings we are for enduring such a hard journey.

UPDATE:

Physiotherapy this morning went well! Apparently I'm doing really well even though I doubt myself every day. The full movement of the arm should be back in 2-4 weeks and so I hope. 

CT was finally done and now I've got new ink on my body. The dots they've made - one in the middle and one on each side of the breasts were accurately measured so they align with the lasers to do the radiotherapy exactly in the right place. 

P.x

Feeling Lucky

Today I feel lucky.

I'm not saying that I am lucky, but I feel fortunate.

Having almost won a battle against cancer does not make me lucky. Although having cancer was out of luck - a very bad luck - this sort of diagnose is very unfortunate. The fact that I fought and came out the other end with a few scars and bad memories still doesn't make me lucky. Not me or anyone with a similar diagnose and outcome.

Life is so unfair sometimes and not everyone has the same outcome. Some people don't come out with just a few scars, some people don't come out at all. And that breaks my heart. That is the only reason why I feel lucky.

I feel lucky because I made peace with my past, I started speaking to people I had long stop speaking to, I became more forgiving, my family and M found a strength they didn't know they had.
Cancer showed me the ones worth having by my side, brought me a new bunch of friends, a new perspective in life and made me reflect on things I never considered before.
I feel lucky because I still have a life ahead of me, a lot of memories and mistakes to be made and risks to be taken.
Even if today I didn't enjoy it, and left it til tomorrow, I feel lucky enough to have tomorrow.

Then I feel sad, devastated, angry, furious because not everyone is allowed to feel lucky. Not everyone has a family or friends to support them, not everyone finds their strength and sometimes cancer scores before they are able to.

Cancer. What a horrible thing to feel lucky about.

P.x

Post Op Week - We Celebrate!

The first post op week was quite intense.

The weekend at home was spent with a fair amount of painkillers that were leaving me either drowsy and with reduced appetite - well I wouldn't really mind the second if it wasn't a borderline sickness - so basically I had mum and M to do everything for me - great deal actually! This teaches us so much in life, is teaching me to let go of certain things I'd get up and do and that are not that important. Just put it this way: if you had to ask a stranger to do you that favour, would you ask them, or would that be asking to much out of someone? If it would it's because it's not important, and you can leave it till tomorrow or the next day when you're able to do it. Don't overdo yourself! - Just a random life advice from the one that has been sitting on a sofa getting annoyed at the things she can't do rather than getting happy with the things that she's able to.

Back to Monday when I went to take my drain out - I'd already reduced the painkillers the day before to half of it as I was not liking the constant "high" feeling - I had to load the system with the strong stuff. Ready for "battle" and expecting a lot of pain, turned out taking the dressing and the little stitch was the worse of it; then what it felt like a worm inside my body coming from the top of the chest lined up with the armpit then all the way down by the side of the chest towards the line of the bra, came out and it felt empty - no extra pain, just empty. After that no more horrible painkillers.

On Tuesday started the exercises the physiotherapist sent through the post in a leaflet form. They turned out very difficult to do at first just because the swelling was painful and in the way making impossible to lay my arm down along my body. I panicked as the fluid collection increased since I had the drain removed. After a "consultation" with the Tits - just in case I never mentioned here, the Tits are a WhatsApp group I belong too with a few very experienced ladies and a gentleman that have been/are going through the same nightmare that is breast cancer - the fluid collection was all normal to have after surgery and I shouldn't panic too much.

And I'm glad I didn't as the next day I swear I've noticed a slight improvement, and perhaps this was so exciting that made me show off to M's family a little bit on all the arm movements I was already able to do - I could even reach my bra to undo it... proud Patty! 

Oh how naive I was! Who wants to guess what happens next? Yes - Pain!

I'm gonna call it #painbackthursday. The day I woke up in so much pain that seemed like I just had surgery again. I don't know if it was the extra movement the day before, the lack of resting (as we went out for lunch) or a bad sleeping position - or all of the above - but surely something did it. It made me feel I was back to square one with panikillers - that I refused to take till the afternoon because I just hate the way they make me feel - and no, there's no others I can take unfortunately.

Friday woke up slightly better and went out for a walk just to keep the joints moving - yes I still have my joint aches that were a bit masked by all the painkillers for the first few days - and it felt good, had to be slowly, but good. I've attempted my DIY distraction just to keep me busy and distracted. Finally finished my cutie unicorn and started some Christmas decorations - Yay, Christmas is coming!!!! The most wonderful time of the year - and managed the whole day without pain relief. Although my luck was not at it's best that day. In the morning I realised I didn't have a letter for my appointment on Monday, - the one the surgeon told me someone would book me - I rang the hospital and got upset with someone that almost told me it was my fault that I should have booked it myself and had to wait until Monday - the actual appointment date - to find out if they could fit me in last minute. Not happy with this and crying my eyes out again - as Monday's appointment meant checking the wounds and take the dressings out - asked help again to my dear experienced Tits that directed me to book with the surgeons secretary instead - Hallelujah, it was finally sorted. Now fast forward to the evening when I decided to have a nice hot shower and wet my under arm dressing - F***. I did put 2 extra tape to prevent water from getting in, you can tell it didn't work... - Panic again. What do I do? What would I do if it was someone else? Why does my nurse brain go blank when I get myself in panicking mode? I've got dressings, so let's change it - not before a complete flap and a few tears. - Mum helped me to do the best clean dressing we could do. And breath... we're ok now.


Did I speak too soon? Probably! The pain was worse again on Saturday morning, a lot of tears waking up - I'm starting to see a pattern here - but this time stopped being stubborn and took painkillers in the morning and saved myself extra suffering and ended up having a better day. Went shopping, bingo and dinner with friends - Zombie/drowsy mode was on while shopping but it was all good, just meant I had to sit down a couple of times. - and the day ended up way better than it started despite none of us win any money at bingo...

Sunday-Funday we went out to a Christmas market - this makes me very happy - but being in the middle of so many people didn't help. Had a couple of elbows and shoulders against my arm that made me jump in pain. The car rides over lumps and bumps have been annoying me too, so we had a very grumpy Patty for a couple of hours but nothing that a family lunch/dinner and a couple of paracetamol can't cure.

Monday arrived today, bringing with it a beautiful sky and great energies. I had the kindness of S that gave mum and me a lift to the hospital for what it was a 'take my dressings away and let me see my boob day'! And something I was not fully expecting: Results.
Out of the 8g of breast tissue with 3mm of clear margins and the 9 lymph nodes removed, lab results show that I had a 'Pathologic Complete Response' - meaning no cancer present on the lump or the lymph nodes they removed - Chemotherapy and positive attitude wiped cancer away from me!

I KICKED CANCER'S ARSE! F*CK YOU CANCER!

Due to this pathologic complete response the prognosis for the future looks great and the recurrence on my situation is around the 6% chances. The scaring is very neat and it's the best we could ask for. All good news.

The journey is not over yet as I still have to recover from this surgery that has given me a useless arm that needs rehabilitation to get the muscles working and stretching again without pain and radiotherapy as a preventive measure for recurrence.

Most importantly, today is World Kindness Day, I mustn't forget to remind you - lol - to be kind to one another, always. 

"Be someone's sunshine when their skies are grey"

P.x 

Post Op Blues

Thoughts

Noise, people talking - open my eyes. There's a nurse on the desk right in front of me. I've got an oxygen mask on my face - 35% venturi do I need all of this?
What time is it - look around the room to find a clock - 12:15... been in there for a while.
How much did they take? - look down my top to see a bunch of dressings but still got some of my breast.
Do I have a catheter? - I wanted to go toilet before surgery but don't feel like it now. Did they put one in and take it out? - Feel my underwear - feels untouched... weird.
Pain!
Pain! Panic because I'm in pain. Panic because I'm out of surgery and it's over. Hyperventilation 35rpm - cardiac monitor starts beeping and nurse comes to me.
Blood pressure 149/85 - I see a bit of panic on the nurses face and hear in his voice as he checks on me: Are you ok? Are you in pain? - I nod. "I'll get you some morphine" he says. I nod again. Tears were already rolling down my eyes and the nurse wiped them and told me to calm down the pain would go away soon. It wasn't just pain... was panic and fear and pain and stress..
Then I see a familiar face. A came to visit me. Tears roll down my eyes without me being able to hold them. Maybe it was happiness because I wasn't alone and then the panic and anxiety again...
Then the nurse topped up with a bit more morphine and felt weird up my arm... itching. Soon it went. Then the mask started to be uncomfortable on my face and I scratched.

Then I gained my voice again.

"Can I take this mask off? It's very unconfortable." - Little did I know that was the start...-  just the very beginning of a frenzy and continuous scratch on my nose - Oh my word! - For the next 3 hours I just couldn't stop scratching. After an X-ray to check if my portacath had been removed completely - apparently the line was cut but there was no record of how much - I was finally taken to the short stay surgical unit where my family and friends were already waiting for me - worrying for the length of time that took them to bring me over.

For the red itchy nose - Rudolph -  I had to ask for an anti histamine, and I was hungry... Sickness? None! Woo hoo! For that they decided I was worthy a menu to choose dinner that evening... erm... And then I was sick! - Did you realise I mention I wasn't sick? I really wasn't - The most weird feeling I've ever had in my life. One moment I was looking at a food menu and the other I was grabbing a bowl because some weird twist in my stomach brought up all the water I had drunk - Oh dear! Funny, but weird - So then I carried on reading the list! I was really hungry but now willing to wait for dinner. Better than that, all that hunger in me and the 20 hours I was without eating, I only managed a bowl of soup, leaving the mains and dessert - for later. 

All my concerns about the catheter - that they didn't put in...phew! - made me think that I'd probably needed the toilet, but for some reason there was no signs, until I pressed my bladder - Oh that feels very full! - I'm not going to lie, my first walk to the toilet was very dizzy and painful, glad mum was with me to help, at least I had someone to hold the stupid drain for me. 

It wasn't until I got to the room after the op that I've noticed the extreme numbness on my fingers and thumb on the affected side. It was very very numb and almost painful (?) not sure how to explain - Do you know that feeling your arm gets when it's trapped in a position for a very long time? It was like that but a tiny bit worse because the feeling doesn't go away and it hurts - Then it wasn't just the hand, underneath my arm almost had the same feeling but I couldn't feel it at all, but was very sensitive to touch - although I couldn't feel it... it's just complicated!

Getting myself comfortable in bed would have been a nightmare with pillow adjustments if it wasn't for my V shaped pillow. That, my friends, is a must have! I can't begin to explain how much it made a difference to me. I'm a side sleeper and I can't stand sleeping on my back, and that definitely made my nights - and days - bearable. 

After a night in hospital I was seen by the doctor and sent home with the drain - that I was not very happy with but rather out than in, the fluid I mean.

My fun week with drains and pains will come in another post... bear with me.

P.x

Wish Me Luck - Pre Op

Tomorrow is the day.

The day I've been fearing for the last few weeks.

So many mixed feeling and so much I didn't talk about to most people. I've not been "ok" as the words have been coming out of my mouth. I've been anxious and afraid of the operation and not dealing very well with it. But most of you might not understand that's why I say that "I'm ok" when people ask. I don't want you to feel like you have to say something about it, or give your opinions, or say that you "know someone that has been through the same". Everyone feels different about surgery and treatments and the experience is not the same to everyone. For me it's more than just a breast. It's more than just a scar. It's the reminder that cancer has been in my life. There's no reconstructive surgery that will take that away from me. I don't want to do it but I have to if I want to have the chance to live a few more years. I don't really have a choice. "But at least you're alive" - they say - and the only problem is I'll have to live with it - because I'm alive.

I've had my guide wire put in today and they had to repeat the mammogram 4 times (to check the insertion) as the tumour was at the very back of the breast and very difficult to get a "picture" from. The insertion itself wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The local anaesthetic did it's job and only got to feel a small ache after a good few hours. The guide wire is basically something they put in and splits open on the tip and grips to where the tumour is/was so the surgeons know where to go when they open up the breast. - I'll leave a rough image of what it is - and the rest of the wire stays hanging out of my breast and then it's twisted inside a dressing just to stay in place until tomorrow. - I just hope it doesn't give me any pain over night.

So ladies and gents, it's the first day of the month again so here we are one more time to encourage you to check your breasts. Please spread it around as an early detection can save lives!

Wish me luck, please!

P.x

Bras and Boobs

Yesterday I went to my Pre Op assessment.

Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!

If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.

I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.

This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.

Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.

So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.

Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.

P.x

Just a Fluff

Tuesday was a celebration day!

It's only a little thing but made me feel way more excited than I probably should, so I'd like o share it with you too.

I have wet hair! How exciting is that? My hair has grown enough to get wet! It's only a tiny bit of hair and still very patchy but it's hair and made us laugh - we do laugh at silly things like hair! What is not to laugh about.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost nonexistent. I'm almost pro at filling eyebrows now - I'm a bit of eyebrow freak for the ones that don't know - if there's something I can't leave the house without is my eyebrows. Its just makes such a difference and I look a complete different person - specially if I look back to pictures from January.

Also, Tuesday was my first day of exercising. Went for a - very - long walk with S - my phone recorded 7km and that's a hell of a lot for a first time. Since then I've been walking every day for a good 30min and muscles have been aching again - which is good. Apart from the fact that my feet are still feeling weird and ache more than they should but I will persevere because this chemo weight needs to go - has been here for way too long.

I've noticed that some of the swelling from steroids/chemo has gone - but not all of it unfortunately. Eating healthy - well... having M making me eat healthy - has definitely made a difference and thankfully I didn't put as much weight as I imagined. Still have to live in my gym clothes and two pairs of jeans - the only ones that fit me - and jumpers because it's the only thing that goes with trainers - the only thing I'm able to wear at the moment as feet swelling and aching is still a thing. - I don't feel like vitamin B6 given by the oncologist is doing anything to be honest but I'll still take it.

I'm so so glad chemo and injections are over. They were definitely my worst nightmare. Sometimes I stop to think about these last 6 months of my life and how quick they have gone but how slow some of the days were too. Some of them I remember so vividly like it was yesterday and some of them are just a blur but I'm glad to think that better days are finally coming and I can't wait.

"Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

P.x 

"Dear Cancer Love Victoria"

Last Sunday I've met a very inspiring woman.

Victoria Derbshire

She's a journalist and a breast cancer survivor! She's wrote a book/diary of her journey and she's now inspiring so many of us. There was tears and laughter in that book presentation but everything was so real. Seeing someone with that kind of strength makes me want to be even better and push my limits. If she managed to do it why shouldn't I?

I was so glad I met Victoria, that professional diary writer, that was kind enough to listen to my story and ask questions about me, humble enough to ask if her speech wasn't too harsh. Victoria is also giving all her profits from the book to charity. One of them being YouCan.
This charity has helped so many of us and has so much to offer. I am so glad they took me under their wing and do everything they can to make me feel better.

Going out and do things is a big thing for me lately. I feel like my comfort place is at home and everywhere I go I feel like I don't belong there or feel uncomfortable and in a rush to come back to my safe place. I do still force myself to go out because that is not me, I'd be the one very excited to go on a London trip and the fact that I cried before I went is not a good sign. I don't know if it's because I feel conscious that people look at me because I'm a baldie or because clothes don't fit me and I'm not very glam, or it's probably just in my head and I'm just not comfortable with myself.

I don't think surgery will help with any of this as the idea of taking away a part of myself goes around in my head over and over again. I just hope I don't get more conscious of my body than I already am. I do admire all of you ladies that come out bravely after your surgeries no matter how your breasts look to you in the mirror. It's such a personal thing and it's part of our femininity.
To all the ones that keep trying to say "it's just a breast", "at least you'll get rid of cancer" that's not really the case. It's MY breast and cancer will always be a part of my life - so will that wonky breast and those scars to remind me. It's something I'm going to lose not being my fault. So please don't judge me or anyone that might cry because their breasts are wonky or too small or whatever they struggle with.

"Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace"

P.x 

Awareness Above All

Welcome October!

And apart from being the first day of the month, it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Today it's been 6 months since I've had my lump checked and heard those awful words: "It doesn't look good" that made my heart sink.
Six months that so much happened that made me grow as a person and appreciate every bit of life that we have.

I want to make people aware that cancer will be part of your life one day. It might be you, your friend, your mum, your dad or children. I don't wish any of this to happen to anyone but the truth is, you can't run away from it. So let's face it! Let's learn with it, let's learn how to fight it and deal with it.
I've learnt that cancer brings more people together than drives apart, that brings kindness to people's hearts and forgiveness above all.
If cancer invaded your life as it has invaded mine, take it in, and fight it. It will make you stronger, it will make you a better person. We don't know where our life journey will take us, so, enjoy each day as if it's the last and don't waste your time with hate and grudges. Love and be kind.

But in the mean time: Check your Breasts! Check your partner's breasts! Tell your children and your parents to check their breasts! - Yes, male are included in this - (They are great things to hold on to - lol)

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference" 

P.x

The last round - 8/8! Finally

Yesterday I had my last chemo!

The last! Finally!

After been delayed twice due to my horrible cold and mess up with appointments, I've finally done it. It has been an extremely anxious two days before chemo and I didn't want to talk much about it as I was dreading all the feelings, the happiness/sadness and mental numbness. - Yes I felt all of that. 

Although it should be a happy moment, it's an ok moment for me and this is still half way. 

On the other hand, this horrible fase of my life is finally over. There's still a lot to come, a lot of worrying in my head, but chemo that made me feel miserable, is out of the way. Inside I'm thrilled, but outside I'm only relieved a little bit. M is the same, we know the worse part is behind us but the fight is not over yet. 

To all the fighters out there, hang in there, it might seem the end of the world, but you can do it, we all can! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much to all of you that made me believe all of the above and always believed in my success through the worst time of my life.
To the ones that will never understand, please be kind, be kind to one another, you never know what battles people are fighting.- If I wear a wig and makeup and I'm not able to climb a flight of stairs or walk up a hill I get looked at, because I look young and look "normal" and you're older than me, you have no idea of what I'm struggling with. - Be kind, always. Aim to do something nice for someone every day. Be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful every day for the people I have in my life and the right people I managed to keep close. They're definitely the ones that matter. I'm thankful for being alive one more day and be able to get out of bed and smile, see M smile. Thankful for having two loving families and two countries I can call home. Thankful for being able to do so many things by myself and I fight for it every day.
Chemo, you might have destroyed my body buy haven't destroyed my will power.
I'm not gonna lie that I had an awful load of bad days that getting out of bed and get dressed was a mental struggle, but there was more days that the struggle was overcome by the mind. I must confess that for a lot of meet ups with friends I didn't feel like going or felt confident enough to fit in some baggy clothes - weight gain is a big issue (see what I did there? lol) - but I did it, just because I knew I had to do it, because if I didn't that wouldn't be me.
Cancer, you might have changed my body, you might have changed my life perspective, but you haven't changed me.

To all of you that are fighting a battle, my thoughts are with you. Most of all, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry, or shout, or not get out of bed if you have to. But then get up and fight, you're are always stronger than you think, and if you've come this far is because you can make it. In my opinion, things always happen for a reason and at the right time, just as a learning curve in life. Whatever it is and as much as it hurts, it will pass. 

Lots of love too all of you!

"My scars tell a story, they are reminders that life tried to break me, but failed."

P.x