Awareness Above All

Welcome October!

And apart from being the first day of the month, it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Today it's been 6 months since I've had my lump checked and heard those awful words: "It doesn't look good" that made my heart sink.
Six months that so much happened that made me grow as a person and appreciate every bit of life that we have.

I want to make people aware that cancer will be part of your life one day. It might be you, your friend, your mum, your dad or children. I don't wish any of this to happen to anyone but the truth is, you can't run away from it. So let's face it! Let's learn with it, let's learn how to fight it and deal with it.
I've learnt that cancer brings more people together than drives apart, that brings kindness to people's hearts and forgiveness above all.
If cancer invaded your life as it has invaded mine, take it in, and fight it. It will make you stronger, it will make you a better person. We don't know where our life journey will take us, so, enjoy each day as if it's the last and don't waste your time with hate and grudges. Love and be kind.

But in the mean time: Check your Breasts! Check your partner's breasts! Tell your children and your parents to check their breasts! - Yes, male are included in this - (They are great things to hold on to - lol)

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference" 

P.x

The last round - 8/8! Finally

Yesterday I had my last chemo!

The last! Finally!

After been delayed twice due to my horrible cold and mess up with appointments, I've finally done it. It has been an extremely anxious two days before chemo and I didn't want to talk much about it as I was dreading all the feelings, the happiness/sadness and mental numbness. - Yes I felt all of that. 

Although it should be a happy moment, it's an ok moment for me and this is still half way. 

On the other hand, this horrible fase of my life is finally over. There's still a lot to come, a lot of worrying in my head, but chemo that made me feel miserable, is out of the way. Inside I'm thrilled, but outside I'm only relieved a little bit. M is the same, we know the worse part is behind us but the fight is not over yet. 

To all the fighters out there, hang in there, it might seem the end of the world, but you can do it, we all can! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much to all of you that made me believe all of the above and always believed in my success through the worst time of my life.
To the ones that will never understand, please be kind, be kind to one another, you never know what battles people are fighting.- If I wear a wig and makeup and I'm not able to climb a flight of stairs or walk up a hill I get looked at, because I look young and look "normal" and you're older than me, you have no idea of what I'm struggling with. - Be kind, always. Aim to do something nice for someone every day. Be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful every day for the people I have in my life and the right people I managed to keep close. They're definitely the ones that matter. I'm thankful for being alive one more day and be able to get out of bed and smile, see M smile. Thankful for having two loving families and two countries I can call home. Thankful for being able to do so many things by myself and I fight for it every day.
Chemo, you might have destroyed my body buy haven't destroyed my will power.
I'm not gonna lie that I had an awful load of bad days that getting out of bed and get dressed was a mental struggle, but there was more days that the struggle was overcome by the mind. I must confess that for a lot of meet ups with friends I didn't feel like going or felt confident enough to fit in some baggy clothes - weight gain is a big issue (see what I did there? lol) - but I did it, just because I knew I had to do it, because if I didn't that wouldn't be me.
Cancer, you might have changed my body, you might have changed my life perspective, but you haven't changed me.

To all of you that are fighting a battle, my thoughts are with you. Most of all, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry, or shout, or not get out of bed if you have to. But then get up and fight, you're are always stronger than you think, and if you've come this far is because you can make it. In my opinion, things always happen for a reason and at the right time, just as a learning curve in life. Whatever it is and as much as it hurts, it will pass. 

Lots of love too all of you!

"My scars tell a story, they are reminders that life tried to break me, but failed."

P.x

Back Before The Last

I'm back!

After a few lumps on the road. I'm back.
I confess that before the laptop charger broke, I was not at my very best for writing, then when the laptop was working again, I came down with this horrible cold and spent the whole of last week in bed.

Trying to pick up where I left off last time - It's been almost a month!! - I've done round 7 of chemo and almost about to do round 8 - And LAST!!!!

The last round I had to take something for my anxiety. For some reason, I get to the 3rd lot of drugs and start developing a certain anxiety for going to hospital and have that poison injected in my blood. I know it's doing me good, but it's making me feel horrible - There's no winning. Well there is, but not the kind of winning I'd like!
Sitting there for 5 hours, doesn't help, and the fact that it drains the life out of me, doesn't help either. I keep hoping it gets better but it doesn't. I can't wait for chemo to be over - nasty horrible poison from hell!

Last week was extremely emotional for M and I again. We went back to the beginning for a while. Back to the same unit that we went on the 1st of April, with the same caring and compassionate Radiologist that we met the first time - and told us "it's not a normal lump" - for another reassuring scan to tell us "there's nothing there" - with a big smile on her face, opposed to my scared little girl face. Tears poured once again as the word surgery came up. It had been such a scary thought for me for a whole week. I'd been fretting that day so much. Meeting with the surgeon that saw me the first day and broke the news 10 days later brings back memories of what I don't want to go through again. Questions - millions - flood my brain, same with emotional pain. When you have something that threats your life the way cancer does, all you want to do is kill it once and for all. So, for a moment all I wanted was both breasts removed - get it all out before it comes back again. - but then you are told that it doesn't kill the chances down to 0% - and you think, what now? 
First there's what you're most afraid of: Recurrence/Survival, Removing a part of you, Deformity.
- then -
There's 3 options:
Double Mastectomy - You loose both of your breasts - the ones you've known all your life and accepted as part of you - have them reconstructed just to be destroyed by radiotherapy and have deformed wonky boobs - The worst of your fears as you've always been so conscious about the appearance of your boobs. - Doesn't make recurrence chances 0% as they aren't able to eliminate every single breast tissue. They still remove a part of you. You won't be able to breastfeed ever again. You get a fresh start and a boob job.

One Sided Mastectomy - You loose the cancerous breast, have it reconstructed, won't ever look like the other one anyway after the reconstruction, will be deformed by radiotherapy and still doesn't make recurrence chances down to 0%. You'll still be able to breast feed with the other breast.

Lumpectomy - You only have a small part of your breast removed (where the lump was), - but you get to keep what's yours - get it reshaped with the fatty tissue left in there, it gets smaller than the other one - no one will notice but you will. It's still your breast and you're very judgemental - Radiotherapy will make it weird/wonky for almost a good part of a year and the recurrence is still not 0%. You might get 50% lucky and be able to breastfeed with the affected breast and the other breast.

No matter what I choose, it's never going to be what I wanted, it's never going to be good news, it's never going to be a good choice or a easy one. I would rather not have any of this done. Even though I've moaned about my boobs during the last 20 years, - who doesn't - I would rather not have them changed. Makes you appreciate yourself and what you have so much.
In that matter I don't have a choice anymore. One of the above options will have to happen if I want to survive.
Then they mention lymphnodes removal - and the scar is going to be even scarier than the one on your boob - and that it can cause lymphoedema - and the way they say it, makes it so scary your other half that is not a nurse thinks the worse and is afraid it will be permanent - Still, I'll have to stop carrying my hand bag on that arm, won't be able to lift any weights on that arm - shopping is going to turn out very difficult indeed as I carry everything with my left arm to leave the right hand do the browsing.

So all of this has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. And as if that wasn't enough, I've caught a nasty cold, spiked temperature and ended up having to spend a night in A&E to make sure it was nothing more than a cold. My bloods seem to be fine but I need to clear the symptoms 48hrs before having the last one. meaning that I won't have my last chemo tomorrow as expected but will have on Friday the 22nd - fingers crossed the cold will be gone by then.

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

P.x

Six Rounds Done - Two to Go!

Yesterday was cycle 6.

Two more to go.

These rounds are going quicker than the others but I feel like I'm not moving forward. Still so much to go through, and every thing seems to frustrate me. I'm getting obsessed with stupid little things because my world is confined to one place and I have nothing else to worry about or any plans to look forward to - at least not until this ends.

My dose got reduced to 80% now to prevent the numbness getting worse and I'm now on vitamin B6 to help with it too - another tablet to take.

Last week I lost my best friend. I know a lot of people don't understand the love some of us have for our little fury friends, but for some of us they are part of our family and their loss hurts as much as a family member. This brought me down to square one emotionally.








Baking is not bringing me particular joy as before. Tried crochet a few weeks ago but had to undo the whole thing as didn't fit properly. Now I'm trying it again but not doing well with the stitch count. Feel like giving up on it but I know I shouldn't. I should persist until I get it right. It's just my frustration taking the best of me.

Sleepless nights are probably not helping. Last night only managed to sleep at 3am and as always a very broken sleep - probably didn't help the fact that I slept most of yesterday during treatment and a nap when I got home. But that anti-histamine completely knocks me out.

M and me had a lovely date night and we completely forgot to take pictures of ourselves to remind us of the good times - what a fail!

"We must have perseverance and most of all confidence in ourselves"

P.x 

Five Rounds Down - Three To Go!

One week post new chemo.

So far so good. (ish) - Fingers crossed, people, fingers crossed!

Back to chemo day, I felt anxious, but not as anxious as last time. Not sure if the NLP (as explained on the last blog) helped or if I was just less anxious because I knew it would be different - I'm gonna go with both - We knew it would be a long one too so we took food and lots to "play with" - Yes, first time I managed to eat while having chemo and not feel sick (I did make an effort as I've decided that chemo wasn't taking the best of me) - Unfortunately or fortunately I slept through the whole thing - I did wake up to go toilet and eat I confess! -  But the pre-chemo drugs knocked me out completely, I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt sorry for M as he was "on his own" for a good part of it - He must love me! 💗- Four hours went by and I didn't feel sick! - Can you tell how big of a deal this is for me?

Day 2 post chemo started to feel the side effects. Woke up with numbness on my ring and little finger on my right hand - this can't be just it...last time started small and built up to a lot of symptoms.

Day 3 Oh THE numbness! That's what people were talking about. Mr Numb has taken over my hands, and feet, and I think perhaps some part of my legs... not quite sure, as now I don't feel much anyway... Do you know that weird feeling when you're holding hair clippers for a long time that your hand goes numb because of the vibration of it? That's exactly how my hands and feet feel all the time. Now, add a bit of fluid retention, mix it all in, and what do you get? Numb puffy feet! And now you ask: How are you supposed to walk? The answer is: With a smile on my face and a bunch of sarcastic smart answers. (Hunching, slowly, saying ouch for every other step - but smiling!)

Day 5 Think about all the things that I'm already feeling... - or not feeling, I haven't quite figured this out yet! - and add the injections that I cherish so much. Welcome ankle pain! Just because I knew you just wanted to make my life easier. Do you know what? I still don't care, because I'm not feeling sick - and getting high on codeine is a bit fun. 

Now talking seriously, give me all the pain instead of sickness and I'll be happy. I'm not moaning - much - about the pain, just sharing the experience. It's not easy, but it's easier. At least from my point of view. Typing is rather strange as the feeling under my fingers is something new to me. I'm sure that I'm losing the sense of smell a little too. Sleeping has been my nightmare. The night of day two I had to sleep on the living room sofa to get my own space and ended up sleeping on my front for 2 hours, in the most weird position, but having the front of my legs against something was the only way to rest them. The next day made myself go for a 50min walk (pain or no pain) to get myself tired and perhaps relax the muscles enough, and it did work! Slept a whole 5.30 hours. The pain on my feet the next day was the worst... but totally worth it for a nights sleep!
And because I was in so much pain the next day, I've decided to up the game on the painkillers - as I was barely taking any...I do avoid them like the plague - Paracetamol was taken before bed together with the codeine - hoping for a good night sleep - 5 hours in, I woke up in my own personal paddling pool. Never thought one lady could sweat so much. Through to the mattress, through the covers - couldn't even flip them - Panic mode on! Not sure if it was a stupidly hot flush or if I spiked temperature. Had no energy the whole day, but could be dehydration, however temperature maintained itself stable, so I'm still trying to find out what happened.

Wow, now that I put this in words, this has been quite an eventful week!

Today, I went back to the hospital again, this time for something fun and exciting. However my stomach didn't feel the same for a few moments. On the way there, M was driving - which makes my brain available to wonder and overthink - I had this feeling of sickness that went away as I got there. Anxiety, my old friend, you're such a powerful mind gamer.

Look Good, Feel Better - So I did! Pampering session for the baldies! I now know how to apply eyeshadow and blush - I'm a little proud of myself - and have a bag full of goodies worth approximately £200. Not bad at all for a Monday!

"There is no passion to be found in playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

P.x

Reality of The Brave

Back to reality!

We've had a week off. Disconnected from the world. No social media, no phone during the day, only turning on at night for a couple of hours of catching up with friends and family.
It was so so nice. I'd love to do it again.
Although the sun wasn't out much - not that I can lay on it anyway - we are slowly learning how to dance in the rain!

The week before we went to Broadstairs for a week away we had another check up with the oncologist. Turns out the MRI shows my breast is clear of the tumour, there's only the margins left to be removed by surgery. With this, my case was discussed in this meeting between oncologists and nurses and they all decided that I should have the initial planned chemo: 4 of EC + 4 of Paclitaxel, meaning that I will start a brand new chemo this week! Some would say these are bad news, I'd say they are good! Despite the fact they are only doing this because the survival rates are better with the combination of the two instead of giving me the 6 doses of the first one (reacting good or not) but to me it's a bit more than that: it's saying goodbye to all the gastric complications the other chemo was bringing me. I was living in my own personal hell and not coping with it anymore. NLP seems to be doing it's job now. The week before holiday, along with my regular counselling and reflexology session, I had something called NeuroLinguistic Programming. I was developing anxiety related to chemo as my mind was associating it to all the side effects going around my body, so YouCan (the charity that has been helping me) suggested I had something else to help me and I do think it's working - although I might have been a bit sceptic about it, now I think I believe a little bit.
Now I'll be getting ready to face new symptoms - they say it's not so much gastric but more aches and pains, and I think I'm ok with it. I do believe aches and pains are more easy to manage than sickness and the fact that I can't even drink when I'm thirsty. It might be a bit scary not knowing what's coming, and having to re-learn new symptoms and deal with them but I feel strong and ready to face them - as long as it's not sickness. (Can you tell how traumatised I am from it?)

The week off made me think of a couple of hobbies I want to have, but I'm still trying to plan them appropriately. Seeing that I still have a few months ahead of me with chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, I really need a hobby that keeps my mind off of things - and yes, knitting might be one of them, typical right? Jigsaw puzzles might be the other one - I seem to be quite obsessed about finishing them no matter how hard they are - M even said I get quite bossy, and I kinda do! But about that, I'll keep you posted - still open to suggestions though.

Some people say that times like this we just want to forget, to get over them and leave them behind.
I think that we should never forget. If we had this put in our path, it's because there's a reason, we should never forget it, never leave it behind, but embrace it and always remember how it made you feel. Times like this make you grow and take a different perspective on life, and for that reason I chose to make it eternal. Estelle Thompson Photography helped us with it. Her energy gave us the confidence to be brave in front of a camera and make a sad situation in our lives into a fun and beautiful moment that we can look back and say: we've made it. There's 120 pictures that are so awesome and I'll leave a couple for you to see. E was an absolute Angel that showed up in our lives. Thank you so so much!

And I know I've missed the 1st of the month but it's never late to check your boobies!! Today might make a difference.

"Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet"

P.x 

Metanoia / 4 Rounds Down

Incredible the way that the brain works.

One moment you're anxious about something and then you get distracted and it's not there anymore until you think about it again.

Sickness is a huge huge thing for me. And this "Red Devil" as they call it is making me have horrible sickness thoughts because of how it makes me feel. As the nurse was giving it to me all I could focus on was my stomach and the taste on the back of my mouth, and how do I know it's caused by my brain? Because as soon as she started making conversation the feeling disappeared... how does that work brain?

Another chemo week has gone. I'm so tired and had enough of chemo already, and the fact that I don't know what the end is yet, makes the fear of the unknown even worse.

The sickness has been slightly better... like 10% better (I've bought sea bands and think they are doing it's job). But now as the time and chemo sessions go by my gastritis thought it was a good time to come out to play. Acid reflux, bloatedness, heart burn, horrible taste in my mouth and feeling of burnt tongue make me feel miserable. One of the things that I love and I was able to drink during this week was orange juice, and now I can't as it makes me feel worse. I just can't wait for chemo to be over. Just feels like it's eating me from the inside and every time is slightly different. I'm so afraid of it now, makes my heart race and stomach turn every time I think of it. I know it's probably only two more to go but every week I go through it feels like I'm not gonna have the strength to go through the next one. People look at me and see the strong me and "how well you are coping with it... you look so well". That's bullshit. Inside I'd rather be sedated and not having to deal with it. It's an absolute torture feeling your own body turn against you and even though I'm hungry or thirsty, I can't stand the thought of it either. How does that work as "doing well"?  Want to know more that I don't talk about everyday? My mucosa (the inside skin) is very thin; and chemo makes me constipated. Has anyone ever had the feeling of being cut from the inside every time you go to the toilet? Well I do now and it hurts like hell. It might seem that I'm very strong but I feel a complete wreck.

I look myself in the mirror and there's a grey undertone, there's darkness under my eyes, there's sadness in my smile and a drop on my expression. That's not me. Where am I? I know I'm behind that, somewhere...

I feel like nothing good is happening, there's no solutions and the problems just pile up. 

Cancer - Chemo - Sickness - Gastritis - Reflux - Tooth ache (again) - Antibiotics - Gastritis - Repeat. Light at the end of the tunnel where are you?

Will my sanity hold on until I get there? I do focus on everything happens for a reason, and if some things make sense, other's don't.

Mum didn't come this time as we both needed a break, a bit of space as it's been mentally draining for both. So on chemo week my little old T was taken to the vets to be diagnosed with a "broken heart" (heart failure if we say it by the book... but I believe she has a broken heart, as I've got one too). 

Shall I thank the universe for allowing my mum to be there at the right time to be able to treat it immediately instead of going a week too late? Or shall I thank it for "everything happens for a reason" that I can't be there for T or I couldn't go to my best friends wedding - as per my theory, one day I will find why.

Life is so unfair... I wish I could be hugging them.

Now there's my challenge: Find the positives!

P.x

Run Unicorn Run

What an amazing experience.

For a change I had a good couple of days.

Well... as good as they can get

Not sure where even to begin. Wednesday was a very especial and sad and disappointing day - It's all to do with expectations.
I'm going to blame "chemo brain" for the fact that when they rang me to book an appointment with the oncologist she said "20 past 4" and I wrote on my calendar "20 past 14" - huge fail! Was it? - Everything happens for a reason. And this time we were meant to be at the hospital at 14.30 to meet S. 

For some reason we were meant to get into each others lives and we hope it is to help each other going through all of this. She's around our age and she's going through the same journey as me. It was both very nice and very sad to meet someone "like me". I don't want anyone to go through this... specially when we are so young but I think it was meant to be... and this has to have a reason! One day we will find out. S if you ever read this, you made my day feel a bit more special, and for that, thank you. The Oncologist appointment that followed filled us with disappointment. The ones who expected coming out of that room with answers, came out with even more questions. As far as ultrasounds go, they're not reliable, so MRI it is - remember that horrible machine that I had to face down and my arm went numb? Yup... have to do it again! Gee thanks! So now we'll have to wait for those results to have the confirmation that the breast is clean and, if it is then we go down to 6 rounds of EC, if there's a tiny bit left, we'll carry on with the 4+4 as initially planned. 

Not sure which one to look forward to. As EC gives me the horrible sickness and the other one they might change me too, doesn't - my first world problems.

Friday being pre chemo bloods day I was back to the hospital again. People all around were so nice, cheerful and lovely and that definitely put me in a good mood - note that my headscarf had a few compliments too!!(If not the star of the day!) 

Been making myself really busy on the last few days trying not to think about chemo. Is making me slightly - a lot - anxious. Don't want to feel sick again or have the funny turns I had last time. But keep telling myself is doing me good! - It's working! It's helping!

Along with my busy days I've been going to the gym for long walks on the treadmill and surely that is making me feel a bit better!? Exercising is definitely one of the best medicines. And why have I started this you ask?
Yesterday we finished a 5km walk/run and I'm extremely proud of everyone that did it with us. It felt so good. Felt like we can overcome any challenge that is given to us. Not sure if it was because I was surrounded by friends but it definitely felt easier than it looked!

Such a great experience that I definitely want to repeat. A great feeling of accomplishment. 

It might seem a small thing for a lot of people but for me felt like I gained control of myself even just for an hour and that felt amazing!!!
If you really want something then do it! (Even if it feels impossible, the feeling of accomplishment overcomes the fear.)

We would like to thank to everyone that sponsored us and ran/walked along side and the ones that cheered from home. We had lots of fun and a great time!

Today spent the entire day food prepping for the next week - as mum is not going to be around this time - and being extremely anxious about tomorrow. Had a bit of a panic cry and felt sick too, not sure if it's because I'm anxious or something I've eaten but I'm sure is my brain's fault!

Another round tomorrow - and MRI - really don't want to go... but I have to.

"Remember, however bad things might be right now, this moment will pass and your life will continue to be a good one."

P.x

There is Always Room For Improvement

How do you snap out of something?

You go and change your attitude towards it! Wish it was that simple...

I'm trying. I promise I am! There has been tiny changes/improvement... or perhaps there was only the need to change/improve.

I'm not crying as much (only once a week) and not staying in bed as much - just enough to catch on the sleep that I don't seem to have overnight as the hot flushes and the cold air outside don't seem to agree or work together. 

I've decided to add important sayings to the Positivity Board. 

(And what is this Positivity Board you ask?) 

- The positivity board was my small diy project during the 10 days we waited for the diagnose. Something to keep me sane that week. Where we wrote and asked some people to write on to give us some positives to look at. -

Things like "Stop asking why me?" and "You didn't do this to yourself" are now part of it. And I'm starting to believe it. Don't think I've ever done anything that terrible that made Karma drop this in my life. Although I'm a believer that everything happens for a reason, maybe the reason will come later in life, maybe it's not even directly related to me, maybe I will never find out, but I will learn from the whole experience. I'm already learning.

Yesterday I went back to the gym after a very long time. Medication is changing my body. Even though I'm careful with what I eat everyday (

) my body has changed very rapidly in the last couple of months, and I know that most of it is medication related so I'm not beating myself to much about it (but I am...). So yesterday got my arse out of bed - there's a change/improvement - and went shopping for clothes that actually fit me - yes, I'm going up a size...- and made myself go to the gym (only for a 30min walk but was enough). Gym was packed and all I could think was: people are gonna look at the scarf and start thinking what is she doing here? - Well the answer is...I'm trying to be healthier... trying to hold myself into the health I still have and work it out, hoping that exercising will make me feel better through the next round of chemo, and lately, prepare myself to walk 5k next Saturday. I've decided to do it just because I want to prove myself that I can do it and I'm still a normal person and cancer won't take it away from me. So we do appreciate anyone who wants to join us (M, a few friends and I)  https://www.bigfunrun.com/maidstone/ there are still entries available, or even if you just want to come and watch and have a bit of fun! If , on the other hand, you fancy supporting us, we do have a JustGiving page available that our neighbours started for us: https://www.justgiving.com/crowdfunding/patricia-venancio 

Anyway you want to get involved, please do! I do promise next year I'll plan this a bit better with more people and do it with more people that want to get involved. 

"It takes courage to face one's shortcomings; and wisdom to do something about them."

P.x 

3 Rounds Down! | Grief

Who said that grief is only when you lose a loved one?

No one ever talks about self loss.

Emotions, emotions, emotions. The good ones and the bad ones. The rules are: you are happy for the good ones and sad for the bad ones. What if you don't feel nothing at all? What if you don't have any joy for any of those things because you've lost something bigger than that?

I will find it again, but not just yet. I need to live this day by day and my own way: even if it's different from everybody else. Grief is very personal and I'm doing the best I can.

Another week of chemo. (And M's big birthday) - So many emotions! And I'm trying to deal with it all.
Trying to make this week a very good week and feel the best as I can (although drink is still a struggle) but 3 cycles are definitely down!

Chemo day was a bit of a rollercoaster, my liver decided that was a bit tired for a couple of days and decided to report that in the blood tests, so I had to have them repeated before starting chemo - 1 hour and a half delay. Not sure if it was hot, or if it was my hormones, or the fact that for the first time I had to stay there for lunch and eat while having chemo, or all of the above, but a hot flush whilst eating a jacket potato and having epiribucin was not the best experience ever - definitely. And another 20min delay to calm down - starting to love that place - not! Then as if all of it wasn't enough, the side effects of the other drug kicked in more than ever. Felt so so dizzy and completely zoned out and banged up nose - more than the previous times. Another 30min to settle myself down - and I just wanted to leave.
This time round I've been given new tablets for sickness, definitely helped the first few days at home but have this stable feeling of sickness throughout the whole week.  Fluids are still an issue - specially water that I can't stand - but at least I'm ok with milk and orange juice in small amounts. Oh, and to top up my whole feeding issue, my wisdom teeth decided that is their time to play too, and after a trip to the dentist this week - that I eventually dragged M on his birthday :( - I've got infected gums from the food that gets in between the flaps - disgusting I know! So now I've got 5 days of antibiotics and a possible decision to take them off before or after chemo ends - but that will be a decision made next week.

On a positive note: ultrasound scan yesterday showed no signs of tumour or any lymph nodes - only the coil they've put in at the beginning. That's excellent news, means all this effort of my sickness is going somewhere.

I feel that my body is starting to swell with all the steroids and stuff that's running through my veins but I hope I get back to normal soon...

I'm ok with my hair/scalp - now M is the one complaining that I'm spiky instead of the other way around. Still avoid mirrors a lot - don't look at myself as much as I used to but I guess it must be normal.  

"If there ever comes a day where we can't be together, keep me in your heart, I'll stay there forever.

P.x