Week from Heaven

How do I even start?

Yesterday, 5 months after the referral been done, I was finally seen by an oral surgeon to plan the removal of my wisdom teeth. As he was examining my jaw we found a painful gland on my neck - !!!!! What? -  And as a very cautious surgeon he sent me to have an ultrasound done and reported straight away. My heart raced through that ultrasound and I sure held back some tears and tried to focus on the red rounded pins on the ceiling boards - ??? we all have our coping mechanisms, mine is being very observant and question random stuff I see, so don't judge... - Regardless no worries from the radiologist point of view, to be sure I've brought the results home anyway to show my oncologist today and ask for a second opinion.

So today I woke up with an achy throat - that might be a clue! - but as the brain works otherwise, I decided to still panic about the oversized neck gland.

Despite that, the morning was way more exciting that I'd ever imagined. Something very cool and special happened...

I've had my first haircut post chemo - or post cancer.
It might not seem any different to the common eye but I've been showing it off very proudly. Shane did an excellent job with it and exactly what I wanted, styled in a way that looks like a normal haircut and not just "post cancer hair".

This might have been an anticipatory happy moment for what was to come - eeeek!
In the afternoon we've had our LAST oncology appointment. M went with me as he's been for every single one along the way.
And today...

Today we smile.

Today we celebrate.

Today marks the day that cancer is gone - for what we hope Forever!

I was officially discharged from oncology - always free to go back for questions and advice - but no more scheduled appointments - for what I hope is forever and ever!

How incredible and amazing is this? Look how far we have come, and how far there is to go still. I'm proud of me, proud of us. For holding on, for sticking together through thick and thin, for our resilience, for the strength we didn't think we had. M is more important than he'll even know or than I could ever express. He still found ways to make me laugh through my tears and kicked me back on track when I refused to get up. I don't think I would have been able to do this without him. I'm sure mum will understand, although she's been a big part of all of this too. I'm also proud of her that kept her chin up seeing her little girl going through all this shit. - But then again what's the other option?


Thank you to you all that believed every day that this day would come even when I couldn't believe it myself. And thank you all for being part of my LIFE!

Here lies ShitFace

A not so little tumour that changed our lives.

10/04/17 - 07/03/18

P.x

Straight and Shiny

Today I'm trying to accept my hair.

I don't like it, but I'm trying to be grateful - Specially trying hard to ignore the greys.

I must confess there are days I get so annoyed with it that feel like pulling it from the roots and get back to being bald where strangely I feel I looked better - but then occurs to me that it would mean going through this length again to have it long - so then I get angry it's taking so long - to be long. Ha!

I have tried to think about the days it was falling and how I felt about it, but my brain seems to have blocked all of that. I don't remember it falling as vividly as I'd like - or shall I say I wouldn't like?
Back to September where eyebrows and eyelashes were almost nowhere to be seen I started doing this photographic record of my hair growth - because I knew the future me would be thankful for it.

Then I got discouraged and left it for about a month without recording just because I felt it was a complete waste of time - It's not really, but my brain is stubborn and states otherwise. So today I decided to have a bit of fun with it again even though it doesn't make me feel any more girly - at least it made me smile.

If only there was a hairstyle that wouldn't make me look like a boy. This is society's fault. Imprints in our minds that short hair and spiky hair is boy-like. We shouldn't think like it but I'm guilty as charged for thinking like that - having no one else to blame, society is always better to blame than me.
I'm stating to surrender to head bands and they actually look very pretty - thanks S for the advice.

Is it strange that I don't recognise myself in pictures with long hair or in pictures with no hair anymore? It's so weird and I feel weird. Looks like a completely different person - and perhaps it is, I will never be her again - but you never think of that about your pictures. It's in the past, for every minute that passes by, you change, you'll never be the same person you where in that moment that that image was "frozen" forever - Deep!

Throughout this 5 months of hair growth I've tried a few things, some of them worked for me and others didn't. I started with Watermans Grow Me shampoo, a hair mask from Lush called Roots, the Cinnamon Bar from Lush and a scalp oil that I don't remember the name.

I used to moisturise my scalp whilst going through chemo even though I've always had a oily scalp and it was very rare to have dry skin/scalp or dandruff. As you can probably guess by now this is exactly what happened; Since the hair has come back, there is this flaky scalp I can't get rid off. I know if I oil it more, the hair just gets greasier and flakes more - I've had this through my teenage years, trust me it's very annoying - but if I apply the Cinnamon Bar it dries too much and flakes out. So after a few uses, the cinnamon bar was back on "the bench". The hair mask was great and still is when I want to have that minty fresh feeling on my scalp - it's better in the summer - I still use it every so often and doesn't seem to have any implications on my flakiness. About the shampoo, I'm about to finish the bottle and although people swear by it, I don't think it made any difference on my hair growth. My hair has always been a slow grower and I don't believe a shampoo is ever going to change that. I had a break from it for 10 days when I went to Portugal on holiday and I don't think it made any difference in the flakiness (I've used a normal shampoo while over there). So now I've decided to try less chemicals and try an organic shampoo that I found in my supermarket - as I don't believe in spending lots on money on things like that - hoping it works and clears up the scalp once and for all.


Another strange thing that happened after all this time my eyelashes and eyebrows are still falling - less than during chemo - but they are quickly replaced by new ones. (In the picture my eyebrows are filled but the gaps in the eyelashes are easily seen) It might be related to stress and anxiety that I'm going through at the moment or chemo/radiation... I'll ask my oncologist in two weeks when I go for what I hope to be the last appointment ever!



If anyone has any great hair styles for very short hair give me a shout as I'm very open to suggestions.

"Love is in the Hair"

P.x

Post Cancer Blues

I'm back... and after 5 days I've decided to blog.

For the last 3 weeks we've almost lived of packed bags. Great or not, it's been exhausting.

A month post radio and I don't feel any different. Or actually I do. I feel anger and sadness and all the "normal" things the experts say I should be feeling.

The 2 week break from reality was the best time I've had in a year but coming back home brought me back all the memories and stresses that cancer shoved into our lives. It's not been easy and to everyone saying that I look really well - I'm not. Cancer broke me, but somehow I managed to take the Dory approach and "swim" through it. Now the future is so scary and I'm struggling to cope with the daily life. The little things that I used to do with my eyes shut, like washing and cleaning and cooking are now tasks that I struggle with. Don't know how to explain but it feels like there's no point on doing any of it, and the effort of thinking about doing them seems to make them over-complicated and my brain goes into overdrive. 

Was this clear enough? I know it's even confusing to myself.

How bad is it when someone asks you "how are you?" Or "you doing ok?" that you answer with the biggest lie in your mouth "I'm good thanks". Just because it's easy. Just because this answer doesn't have the C word attached to it. Just because I rather lie than say "No, I'm feeling like crap! Yes, I don't look like it, because I smile. But have you looked into my smile? Do you know me that well? What do my eyes say? I want this all to be over, oh wait, it is - but it's not. I want this all to be a horrible nightmare and I'm about to wake up. But days are going by and I don't. I hate myself in the mirror and have no will power to change it. I just don't see the point. I want to fight for the future me but have no more strength. You know all that strength you said I had at the beginning, well that's where it's left - 4 months ago. I want my "normal" life back. I want the baby I was planning for. I want the wedding of a princess. I want the house of my dreams. I want the holiday we both deserve. All I can hear is: you'll have it, you just have to be patient. What if I don't want to? What if I don't have that time to wait? What if in 1 year this nightmare haunts me again? What if I don't have the strength to fight it again? But because all of this is "what ifs" are not the present, I shouldn't focus on them. So I say "I'm ok". Because no one can answer any of these questions and explaining people what is actually going on up on the top floor it's exhausting when they don't know what I'm talking about.

I don't want anyone thinking that I only have bad thoughts and life is miserable. Life also has good moments. Moments to be thankful for. Three weeks ago we've spent 10 days back in my home country (Portugal) and despite the fact that I didn't see all the people I'd like to see and got a few disappointments, I ended up having a good time with M, a few days of tourism and "rest" from cancer. Back in the country for a couple of days just to pack again to have my wish come true. An overnight stay in London and 2 tickets to see Harry Potter and the Cursed Child play. We have needed it so badly. Just the two of us. After the hard times that had been upon us, we are needing that time alone with no stresses from the outside world.


Relationships are not easy on a daily basis in a so called "normal life" now when you add the word cancer to it and the stretches of money and mind, only the strong ones can last. Still, you need to nourish that relationship, never take anything for granted. You're in this together and it's hard for you both. If one is going through it, the other one has to deal with the same fears as you plus the biggest one of all: losing you. Be kind. Be kind to your partner and your relationship. Do a lot of romantic things. It's so important to reconnect as many times as you can. Remember you love each other and tell each other everyday - because there will be moments you'll want to bite each other's heads off. Love is a funny and beautiful thing!

This is the reason why this break was important to us and we'll be forever grateful there is charities that provide a stress free experience to people that are in need of it. Don't know if Willow Foundation know how important and how much of a difference they have made. They took all the stress of money and planning out of my hands and it actually felt good because things flew by so naturally and smoothly. 

Sorry for being missing in action but the top floor is in need of attention and I'm working on it. Have therapy booked for this week so fingers crossed. - The top floor is my head by the way for who's wondering...

For the ones that follow me on Facebook, I'm giving up that social network for the time being as it wasn't bringing anything good to my mental health.

"Do not give your past the power to define your future"

P.x

The End - The New Beginning - Day 282

Today was my last radiotherapy treatment.

The LAST treatment.

And after 292 days, it's over!

Now can we even begin to comprehend what just happened. Where have those 292 days gone?

So much rush and fighting to get to the end of the tunnel and where did we get to? The emptiness of an uncertain future. We still remember the day that we went to the hospital the first time to check a lump we were sure it was something silly and simple. The day we cried ourselves to sleep.


Radiotherapy wasn't a walk in the park for me. It was an unpleasant experience that drained me emotionally. I can't even compare with chemo or surgery, they were all unpleasant and horrendous. But my expectations about radiotherapy were that it would be "fine" compared to the other two. From my point of view, it wasn't "fine". Tears came out of my eyes every time I was laying on that table and felt miserably down every single day. M had a copious amount of patience that I could never thank him enough for it - believe me when I say I'm a terrible patient and a miserable cow when I'm depressed - Not everyone's experience is the same, but this was mine and I was not ready for it. So if you are about to have radiotherapy, please get yourself ready for it all - The good, the bad and the evil.

The cancer is gone! Chemotherapy, surgery and my - damn stubborn - attitude got rid of it, radiotherapy was just a preventive measure to make me live longer and healthier(?). According to the health professionals, the word remission doesn't exist anymore, from now I'm NED - No Evidence of Disease - and we hope that it carries on as it is.

I'm so happy this is over, no more injections, no more scans, no more trips to the hospital, no more waiting rooms, no more radiation. No more, until the year check up, or until I panic about my scar tissue, or until I feel insecure. Realistically, this is not completely over, only a small part of it. My scars are still here, still healing, my breast is still slightly misshaped, my skin is still red/purple from radiation and will be sensitive for the rest of my life, and my arm is still at risk of lymphoedema.

We can't pick up where we've left off like people say, as I'm sure we're not the same people that we were in 31th March 2017. We're battered and bruised and scarred. From now we have to find a new normal, and that's scary. I'm scared of living in fear, but looking forward to have some control over my life. Grievance is something 'm learning to deal with every day and will be part of my new normal. So please we just ask you yo be patient while we adjust.

Thank you all for being part of this journey with us and for believing that this unicorn would find the other side of the rainbow.

How many of us would love a fresh start? A new beginning?

This story is not over. It's only just beginning.

"Like how a single word can make a heart open, I might only have one match but I can make an explosion"

P.x

Night Time Tears

For a week I've had this "lump" on my throat that puts me on a verge of crying. And I do sometimes. And I feel guilty, and sad, and anxious and depressed.

I feel lucky because my type of cancer has a cure, but I have a dreadful fear of it coming back, now that I approach the end of my treatment I get scared that things go out of control.

Then I feel guilty for crying, for feeling sorry for myself and thinking my life is crap when there's so many people in a worse situation than mine.

That's when sadness comes. for the other fighters out there that are facing those fears everyday and don't know when and if it's ever gonna end.

Then I feel grateful for living another day, for breathing, for being able to hug M every morning and hear that he loves me more than the day before. Such small little things to be so so grateful about.

Have you stopped and thought today? What are you grateful for?
Even if you're just grateful for getting out of bed, that's ok, that is a great victory.

P.x

Perfect Little Moments

Life is not perfect but you can obtain perfect little moments out of it.

Let's start with the beginning of the week, when my radiotherapy started - It will be easy they said. The easiest part of the treatment they said - But it wouldn't be my treatment if it didn't have a hiccup on the easiest part. Three weeks ago, when I had my radiotherapy tattoos done, my body was still very tense and uncomfortable laying on the CT table with my arms up. Now with almost full rage of movement, the way my arms go behind my head is different and consequently more relaxed body. Apparently having a relaxed body in this situation is not good as the measurements then didn't match. The 20 minutes I was promised turned into 1 hour. My good arm went numb twice and they had to pause for recovery. The big boss had to come along eventually to authorise the treatment - one more pair of eyes on my boobs. Nice! lol - All of this made me panic just for a moment and almost cried but everyone was focused on my boob and no one noticed - Phew!
The rest of the week went quite smoothly, barely waited, almost in & out, only time for a quick pic in the changing room.

So far this week of radiotherapy has been localised, focused on the place where the tumour was. My skin is starting to change. Colour and texture on the inside. I could go a bit further and say my boob is even more misshaped - but only very slightly, only noticeable to my eyes - For the last 3 days - I didn't know it before - I've been applying an ice pack before and after to cool down the skin and prevent the burning. Have been applying cream three times a day, but only milky lotions for radiated skin. So far so good though.

Radiotherapy doesn't hurt and I don't feel it. Although there was a day that I could swear my boob was tingling inside whilst the radiation was on - although might have just been my brain making it up.
Now I get to rest and enjoy 4 days with no radiotherapy and Christmas with some of the family.
Apart from radiotherapy everyday something else happened: My birthday! I'm 31 now and I can probably tell that in one year I've aged about 5 years. Wiser and older I'll carry on smiling through the path that life gave me as there's no other way of facing it.

M, though, thought the "wise and old" needed some more reasons to celebrate.
After what was for both of us a year of hell, with so many emotions involved, he stood beside me without blinking or stumbling, carrying a "burden" that I could never imagine. So on the 20th December, M got down on one knee and made me the happiest girl alive.

My hero, my rock, my best friend, the love of my life.
The day he made my life perfect. That perfect little moment forever engraved in my heart. No matter how much crap life throws at us, he wants to stay by my side through thick and thin, to love and to hold. And so do I. So I said YES!
I'm beyond excited. For a perfect moment I forgot I had cancer and everything felt so good and normal.

There is no better way to finish off what it seemed to be the worst year of our lives, but also the most enlightening. We are now engaged, and although he will always be my partner, I've officially upgraded M to Fiancé. May the force be with us! (Just for all the Star Wars fans out there that went to see the episode VIII)

I might have put this quote here before but still very true...

"Difficult roads often lead to beautiful destinations" 

P.x 

Overwhelming Thoughts - Post Surgery Update

A little update

I haven't done updates for a while. Christmas has crept up on me and made me feel overwhelmed with a bunch of things that I'd like to share as they are building up on my chest.

I love Christmas and always have, December is my favourite month because my birthday celebrations happen too. Although this year I've been trying to keep busy and do a bunch of things that I've never been able to do while at work because of time and now I'm all prepared for what it looks like a "perfect Christmas" I feel a little bit down every day - there might be another reason for this that I'll explain in a moment - I'm definitely trying to snap out of it and be thankful for what I've got but there's a lot of times that I'm focusing on what I don't have. I'm thankful for having an amazing partner that is sticking with me through thick and thin, my mum that is always on the other side of the phone when she's not making all the efforts to be here by my side, my dad who just came to visit me after not seeing me for 4 years - old grudges got in the way, but peace is made with the past now - my whole family that are on the other side of the video chat, and M's family that are constantly worried about me. Friends are definitely who I miss most this time of the year. Unfortunately everyone is busy or in another country because that's what Christmas is all about: going home and see your family. Now this is where cancer wins a little bit. I won't be able to have my friends/family annual reunion that is now a tradition, and wrongly I feel slightly jealous of everyone that is able to do it and don't appreciate it fully. Don't get me wrong, I'll be spending Christmas surrounded by M's family and my mum and I'm very thankful for it - I just wanted a bit more, that bit more that I have every year that won't be able to have this year, that's all.

I just want you all to be thankful and appreciate the people that are near your this holiday season, don't waste your time with arguments, tell people you love them and swallow whatever pride you have and make contact with that person you haven't spoken to for years. Life is too short.

Now back to the update. Guess what is not pleasant and is back in my life? - Yes, you're right, my period!
I'm sorry for oversharing, but this made me happy for a day or two, and sharing is caring! I'm not happy about it anymore and it can go again - lol - Never thought it would come back this early. It was exactly two months after I finished my Zoladex injections. It's a good sign because it means that I'm not menopausal - yay - but I'm not sure about my fertility yet, will have to check this with the doctors. Basically I think all those feelings I'm having might have to do with my hormones being all over the place too, my body is getting used to "normality" again.

About my post surgery recovery, everything is going well, have been discharged from the physiotherapy and the range of movement is getting better every day, I push it a bit more everyday. The scar tissue under my arm and on my breast are crazy big - looks like I've got a lump similar to the tumour and every day when I touch it doing the cream massage - I panic just a little bit and then tell myself that is scar tissue and it should be fine. I'm letting myself start the radiotherapy and see if it changes and might contact someone at the hospital at the beginning of the year just in case.

Scars are doing well I just hope radiotherapy doesn't change them. This picture was taken in the morning before applying the cream - greasy hands and greasy skin are not photo friendly. I've noticed that the scars are needing 3x more cream than the body, but it's winter and skin dries more anyway. I've been using these two products on my scars, and so far I'm happy. I've got another two lined up for radiotherapy and I can see that will need to moisturise 5 times a day to avoid peeling skin.

Hair is growing - slow-fast - but I'm preparing another post about it.

"Be grateful when things are going your way, be graceful when they're not."

P.x 

Forgive Your Past

Guess what?

Five years ago I was a scary little mess flying to an unknown country, to live and work with strangers and embrace a whole new culture. Every year I get to this day and look back on what I have achieved so far in those conditions. Not everyone is strong enough to live family and friends behind, or 25 years of a "took for granted" life. - But I did, with not one single regret. - I could say it's been hard at times, that I cried so much at the beginning, that had been times that I would go back home every month because I couldn't stand the distance. However it's also been the time that I've accomplished my professional dreams and created a new family. Although all of that is true, it doesn't seem to be the main thing that pops up in my mind on the 6th of December.

I've got cancer... or I had it. According to the papers I've got with me, they say there's no evidence of disease but as this is not over yet, I still feel like something is still wrong inside.

It's December, my favourite time of the year, and I'm pooing my pants with the unknown. Radiotherapy will start soon and it will be 1 year that day that I haven't been "home". Remember when I said I used to go every month? Tough luck.

On the other hand, being in this country for five years made me create the roots I needed, made me meet extraordinary people build up my support system and my new family. So for some reason, I feel that all of this was meant to be. In this exact time, with these exact people I wouldn't be able to do it without. They for sure know who they are.
Ever wonder when someone enters your life how special they are going to be? Yeah me neither, but now I tend to pay more attention to who stays and who goes.

As many cons cancer might have, the biggest pro was making me aware of regrets and grudges. The way it changed my view of people and life in general. How it made me forgive and perhaps store the grudges in a little box on the back of my head.

So today I'd like to take a minute - just the one as I've got a busy day ahead - to reflect on how "lucky" I can consider myself for having the right ones around me.

If I could pass a message on today would be forgive your past. (She says as she's about to pick her dad up from the airport after years of barely no contact)

So now, 6th of December, you too have changed from a reflection on the immigration day to reflection on life day.

P.x

Stumble and Raise

It's 2am and I can't sleep. 

Haven't had insomnia like this for a long time. 

Stress is the reason for it.

I'm bringing this on myself. How could I even think I'd be able to do so much in a week. Perhaps I thought I could fit it all just because I rested plenty for 3 weeks. Or because I just had enough of feeling useless and now need some sort of feeling of achievement.

Recovery is going well, or at least I think so. Physiotherapist will let me know in the morning... and the CT I couldn't do last week for lack of arm movement, they better do it tomorrow or I might just throw a tantrum. 

Post surgery is being harder than I expected. Can't tell exactly why, but not dealing well with my uselessness. It's a depressive state on top of frustrating pain/ache and inadequate arm movement for the last month.
Scars are healing but they're still raw. The pain - that in all fairness gets better every day - is there to remind me of the process. Taking off my clothes reminds me I had cancer. Getting my breakfast off the high shelf in the morning reminds me I had surgery. Not be able to lay on my side at night reminds me that my life will never be the same again.

I feel selfish thinking of myself this way as there's so many people going through worse. I just wish no one had to go through any of this.

We struggle, we stumble and we fall. But we also raise. And we raise to be better, better human beings, better souls. Respect to all of us fighting and all the fighters that fought one day. Winning or winning (I don't believe there are any losers) we all should be very proud of the great human beings we are for enduring such a hard journey.

UPDATE:

Physiotherapy this morning went well! Apparently I'm doing really well even though I doubt myself every day. The full movement of the arm should be back in 2-4 weeks and so I hope. 

CT was finally done and now I've got new ink on my body. The dots they've made - one in the middle and one on each side of the breasts were accurately measured so they align with the lasers to do the radiotherapy exactly in the right place. 

P.x

Feeling Lucky

Today I feel lucky.

I'm not saying that I am lucky, but I feel fortunate.

Having almost won a battle against cancer does not make me lucky. Although having cancer was out of luck - a very bad luck - this sort of diagnose is very unfortunate. The fact that I fought and came out the other end with a few scars and bad memories still doesn't make me lucky. Not me or anyone with a similar diagnose and outcome.

Life is so unfair sometimes and not everyone has the same outcome. Some people don't come out with just a few scars, some people don't come out at all. And that breaks my heart. That is the only reason why I feel lucky.

I feel lucky because I made peace with my past, I started speaking to people I had long stop speaking to, I became more forgiving, my family and M found a strength they didn't know they had.
Cancer showed me the ones worth having by my side, brought me a new bunch of friends, a new perspective in life and made me reflect on things I never considered before.
I feel lucky because I still have a life ahead of me, a lot of memories and mistakes to be made and risks to be taken.
Even if today I didn't enjoy it, and left it til tomorrow, I feel lucky enough to have tomorrow.

Then I feel sad, devastated, angry, furious because not everyone is allowed to feel lucky. Not everyone has a family or friends to support them, not everyone finds their strength and sometimes cancer scores before they are able to.

Cancer. What a horrible thing to feel lucky about.

P.x