Wish Me Luck - Pre Op

Tomorrow is the day.

The day I've been fearing for the last few weeks.

So many mixed feeling and so much I didn't talk about to most people. I've not been "ok" as the words have been coming out of my mouth. I've been anxious and afraid of the operation and not dealing very well with it. But most of you might not understand that's why I say that "I'm ok" when people ask. I don't want you to feel like you have to say something about it, or give your opinions, or say that you "know someone that has been through the same". Everyone feels different about surgery and treatments and the experience is not the same to everyone. For me it's more than just a breast. It's more than just a scar. It's the reminder that cancer has been in my life. There's no reconstructive surgery that will take that away from me. I don't want to do it but I have to if I want to have the chance to live a few more years. I don't really have a choice. "But at least you're alive" - they say - and the only problem is I'll have to live with it - because I'm alive.

I've had my guide wire put in today and they had to repeat the mammogram 4 times (to check the insertion) as the tumour was at the very back of the breast and very difficult to get a "picture" from. The insertion itself wasn't as painful as I thought it would be. The local anaesthetic did it's job and only got to feel a small ache after a good few hours. The guide wire is basically something they put in and splits open on the tip and grips to where the tumour is/was so the surgeons know where to go when they open up the breast. - I'll leave a rough image of what it is - and the rest of the wire stays hanging out of my breast and then it's twisted inside a dressing just to stay in place until tomorrow. - I just hope it doesn't give me any pain over night.

So ladies and gents, it's the first day of the month again so here we are one more time to encourage you to check your breasts. Please spread it around as an early detection can save lives!

Wish me luck, please!

P.x

Bras and Boobs

Yesterday I went to my Pre Op assessment.

Anxious is not the word. I am in a right panic. Fell like crying and don't feel like eating. I don't want to have this operation - but I have to!

If you ask me exactly what I'm afraid of? I'm not sure I can precise exactly what it is. Is the fear of being put to sleep and leave my body in the hands of people I barely know and I have to trust with my life. Is the waking up and not having anyone I know next to me. Is the part of me that will be removed and the fact that I feel like I will never be the same again. The fact that reconstruction to make it better is still a long time and effort away and don't even know if it will be doable. Then there's the fact that I will have to get used to my new me and fit in new underwear.

I know a lot of people don't relate nor I expect everyone to, but I just hope people respect my feelings. I know I get to keep my breast tissue but I will feel as mutilated as having a mastectomy.
Having small breasts was always an issue in terms of self esteem. Now imagine that your better breast has to be reduced because cancer took over - How would you feel? How would you stand in front of the mirror after a shower? How do you stand again in front of your partner? - think about all that underwear you had before that would fit your better breast? Well, you can now bin that, I mean, apart from the fact that it won't fit you anymore - your boobs are now gonna be a stupid in between size cups - you'll have get used to boring wireless bras as a normal wired bra will hurt your scars.

This is all the thoughts that are going around my head. I know that this is just a stupid thought because - "At least you're alive" - it's my breasts and not bones and brain and liver and heart.

Cancer taught me not to judge. We all have our own battles and we all suffer in different ways, no problem is bigger than the other. Our perspective on things depends on how we look at them, and living with some sort of battle and/or fighting for your life makes you wonder about a lot of - that sounds stupid and irrelevant to other people but not to you - things.

So because all of this, for the last few weeks I've been bra hunting. It was needed to find a bra that was comfortable, that would fit my small boob and keep it held in place and not too loose, that would give support. The problem is, there is no such size to fit my small boobs unless it's made to order and cost £60 per bra. I'm not ready for that - but that's what I have to live with - so for now, lets just buy a few and hope one of them fits.

Today I have a bra fitting appointment in John Lewis - by some people that already told me by looking at me that I've been buying the wrong size of bra my whole life (errrmmm I'm pretty sure I haven't) - but we'll see how it goes.

P.x

Just a Fluff

Tuesday was a celebration day!

It's only a little thing but made me feel way more excited than I probably should, so I'd like o share it with you too.

I have wet hair! How exciting is that? My hair has grown enough to get wet! It's only a tiny bit of hair and still very patchy but it's hair and made us laugh - we do laugh at silly things like hair! What is not to laugh about.

My eyebrows and eyelashes are almost nonexistent. I'm almost pro at filling eyebrows now - I'm a bit of eyebrow freak for the ones that don't know - if there's something I can't leave the house without is my eyebrows. Its just makes such a difference and I look a complete different person - specially if I look back to pictures from January.

Also, Tuesday was my first day of exercising. Went for a - very - long walk with S - my phone recorded 7km and that's a hell of a lot for a first time. Since then I've been walking every day for a good 30min and muscles have been aching again - which is good. Apart from the fact that my feet are still feeling weird and ache more than they should but I will persevere because this chemo weight needs to go - has been here for way too long.

I've noticed that some of the swelling from steroids/chemo has gone - but not all of it unfortunately. Eating healthy - well... having M making me eat healthy - has definitely made a difference and thankfully I didn't put as much weight as I imagined. Still have to live in my gym clothes and two pairs of jeans - the only ones that fit me - and jumpers because it's the only thing that goes with trainers - the only thing I'm able to wear at the moment as feet swelling and aching is still a thing. - I don't feel like vitamin B6 given by the oncologist is doing anything to be honest but I'll still take it.

I'm so so glad chemo and injections are over. They were definitely my worst nightmare. Sometimes I stop to think about these last 6 months of my life and how quick they have gone but how slow some of the days were too. Some of them I remember so vividly like it was yesterday and some of them are just a blur but I'm glad to think that better days are finally coming and I can't wait.

"Your illness does not define you. Your strength and courage does."

P.x 

"Dear Cancer Love Victoria"

Last Sunday I've met a very inspiring woman.

Victoria Derbshire

She's a journalist and a breast cancer survivor! She's wrote a book/diary of her journey and she's now inspiring so many of us. There was tears and laughter in that book presentation but everything was so real. Seeing someone with that kind of strength makes me want to be even better and push my limits. If she managed to do it why shouldn't I?

I was so glad I met Victoria, that professional diary writer, that was kind enough to listen to my story and ask questions about me, humble enough to ask if her speech wasn't too harsh. Victoria is also giving all her profits from the book to charity. One of them being YouCan.
This charity has helped so many of us and has so much to offer. I am so glad they took me under their wing and do everything they can to make me feel better.

Going out and do things is a big thing for me lately. I feel like my comfort place is at home and everywhere I go I feel like I don't belong there or feel uncomfortable and in a rush to come back to my safe place. I do still force myself to go out because that is not me, I'd be the one very excited to go on a London trip and the fact that I cried before I went is not a good sign. I don't know if it's because I feel conscious that people look at me because I'm a baldie or because clothes don't fit me and I'm not very glam, or it's probably just in my head and I'm just not comfortable with myself.

I don't think surgery will help with any of this as the idea of taking away a part of myself goes around in my head over and over again. I just hope I don't get more conscious of my body than I already am. I do admire all of you ladies that come out bravely after your surgeries no matter how your breasts look to you in the mirror. It's such a personal thing and it's part of our femininity.
To all the ones that keep trying to say "it's just a breast", "at least you'll get rid of cancer" that's not really the case. It's MY breast and cancer will always be a part of my life - so will that wonky breast and those scars to remind me. It's something I'm going to lose not being my fault. So please don't judge me or anyone that might cry because their breasts are wonky or too small or whatever they struggle with.

"Don't let the behaviour of others destroy your inner peace"

P.x 

Awareness Above All

Welcome October!

And apart from being the first day of the month, it's Breast Cancer Awareness month!

Today it's been 6 months since I've had my lump checked and heard those awful words: "It doesn't look good" that made my heart sink.
Six months that so much happened that made me grow as a person and appreciate every bit of life that we have.

I want to make people aware that cancer will be part of your life one day. It might be you, your friend, your mum, your dad or children. I don't wish any of this to happen to anyone but the truth is, you can't run away from it. So let's face it! Let's learn with it, let's learn how to fight it and deal with it.
I've learnt that cancer brings more people together than drives apart, that brings kindness to people's hearts and forgiveness above all.
If cancer invaded your life as it has invaded mine, take it in, and fight it. It will make you stronger, it will make you a better person. We don't know where our life journey will take us, so, enjoy each day as if it's the last and don't waste your time with hate and grudges. Love and be kind.

But in the mean time: Check your Breasts! Check your partner's breasts! Tell your children and your parents to check their breasts! - Yes, male are included in this - (They are great things to hold on to - lol)

"Attitude is a little thing that makes a BIG difference" 

P.x

The last round - 8/8! Finally

Yesterday I had my last chemo!

The last! Finally!

After been delayed twice due to my horrible cold and mess up with appointments, I've finally done it. It has been an extremely anxious two days before chemo and I didn't want to talk much about it as I was dreading all the feelings, the happiness/sadness and mental numbness. - Yes I felt all of that. 

Although it should be a happy moment, it's an ok moment for me and this is still half way. 

On the other hand, this horrible fase of my life is finally over. There's still a lot to come, a lot of worrying in my head, but chemo that made me feel miserable, is out of the way. Inside I'm thrilled, but outside I'm only relieved a little bit. M is the same, we know the worse part is behind us but the fight is not over yet. 

To all the fighters out there, hang in there, it might seem the end of the world, but you can do it, we all can! There is a light at the end of the tunnel. And in the end it will be worth it. Thank you so much to all of you that made me believe all of the above and always believed in my success through the worst time of my life.
To the ones that will never understand, please be kind, be kind to one another, you never know what battles people are fighting.- If I wear a wig and makeup and I'm not able to climb a flight of stairs or walk up a hill I get looked at, because I look young and look "normal" and you're older than me, you have no idea of what I'm struggling with. - Be kind, always. Aim to do something nice for someone every day. Be thankful for what you have.

I am thankful every day for the people I have in my life and the right people I managed to keep close. They're definitely the ones that matter. I'm thankful for being alive one more day and be able to get out of bed and smile, see M smile. Thankful for having two loving families and two countries I can call home. Thankful for being able to do so many things by myself and I fight for it every day.
Chemo, you might have destroyed my body buy haven't destroyed my will power.
I'm not gonna lie that I had an awful load of bad days that getting out of bed and get dressed was a mental struggle, but there was more days that the struggle was overcome by the mind. I must confess that for a lot of meet ups with friends I didn't feel like going or felt confident enough to fit in some baggy clothes - weight gain is a big issue (see what I did there? lol) - but I did it, just because I knew I had to do it, because if I didn't that wouldn't be me.
Cancer, you might have changed my body, you might have changed my life perspective, but you haven't changed me.

To all of you that are fighting a battle, my thoughts are with you. Most of all, be kind to yourself, allow yourself to grieve, allow yourself to cry, or shout, or not get out of bed if you have to. But then get up and fight, you're are always stronger than you think, and if you've come this far is because you can make it. In my opinion, things always happen for a reason and at the right time, just as a learning curve in life. Whatever it is and as much as it hurts, it will pass. 

Lots of love too all of you!

"My scars tell a story, they are reminders that life tried to break me, but failed."

P.x

Back Before The Last

I'm back!

After a few lumps on the road. I'm back.
I confess that before the laptop charger broke, I was not at my very best for writing, then when the laptop was working again, I came down with this horrible cold and spent the whole of last week in bed.

Trying to pick up where I left off last time - It's been almost a month!! - I've done round 7 of chemo and almost about to do round 8 - And LAST!!!!

The last round I had to take something for my anxiety. For some reason, I get to the 3rd lot of drugs and start developing a certain anxiety for going to hospital and have that poison injected in my blood. I know it's doing me good, but it's making me feel horrible - There's no winning. Well there is, but not the kind of winning I'd like!
Sitting there for 5 hours, doesn't help, and the fact that it drains the life out of me, doesn't help either. I keep hoping it gets better but it doesn't. I can't wait for chemo to be over - nasty horrible poison from hell!

Last week was extremely emotional for M and I again. We went back to the beginning for a while. Back to the same unit that we went on the 1st of April, with the same caring and compassionate Radiologist that we met the first time - and told us "it's not a normal lump" - for another reassuring scan to tell us "there's nothing there" - with a big smile on her face, opposed to my scared little girl face. Tears poured once again as the word surgery came up. It had been such a scary thought for me for a whole week. I'd been fretting that day so much. Meeting with the surgeon that saw me the first day and broke the news 10 days later brings back memories of what I don't want to go through again. Questions - millions - flood my brain, same with emotional pain. When you have something that threats your life the way cancer does, all you want to do is kill it once and for all. So, for a moment all I wanted was both breasts removed - get it all out before it comes back again. - but then you are told that it doesn't kill the chances down to 0% - and you think, what now? 
First there's what you're most afraid of: Recurrence/Survival, Removing a part of you, Deformity.
- then -
There's 3 options:
Double Mastectomy - You loose both of your breasts - the ones you've known all your life and accepted as part of you - have them reconstructed just to be destroyed by radiotherapy and have deformed wonky boobs - The worst of your fears as you've always been so conscious about the appearance of your boobs. - Doesn't make recurrence chances 0% as they aren't able to eliminate every single breast tissue. They still remove a part of you. You won't be able to breastfeed ever again. You get a fresh start and a boob job.

One Sided Mastectomy - You loose the cancerous breast, have it reconstructed, won't ever look like the other one anyway after the reconstruction, will be deformed by radiotherapy and still doesn't make recurrence chances down to 0%. You'll still be able to breast feed with the other breast.

Lumpectomy - You only have a small part of your breast removed (where the lump was), - but you get to keep what's yours - get it reshaped with the fatty tissue left in there, it gets smaller than the other one - no one will notice but you will. It's still your breast and you're very judgemental - Radiotherapy will make it weird/wonky for almost a good part of a year and the recurrence is still not 0%. You might get 50% lucky and be able to breastfeed with the affected breast and the other breast.

No matter what I choose, it's never going to be what I wanted, it's never going to be good news, it's never going to be a good choice or a easy one. I would rather not have any of this done. Even though I've moaned about my boobs during the last 20 years, - who doesn't - I would rather not have them changed. Makes you appreciate yourself and what you have so much.
In that matter I don't have a choice anymore. One of the above options will have to happen if I want to survive.
Then they mention lymphnodes removal - and the scar is going to be even scarier than the one on your boob - and that it can cause lymphoedema - and the way they say it, makes it so scary your other half that is not a nurse thinks the worse and is afraid it will be permanent - Still, I'll have to stop carrying my hand bag on that arm, won't be able to lift any weights on that arm - shopping is going to turn out very difficult indeed as I carry everything with my left arm to leave the right hand do the browsing.

So all of this has been on my mind for the last couple of weeks. And as if that wasn't enough, I've caught a nasty cold, spiked temperature and ended up having to spend a night in A&E to make sure it was nothing more than a cold. My bloods seem to be fine but I need to clear the symptoms 48hrs before having the last one. meaning that I won't have my last chemo tomorrow as expected but will have on Friday the 22nd - fingers crossed the cold will be gone by then.

"Sometimes you will never know the value of a moment until it becomes a memory."

P.x

Six Rounds Done - Two to Go!

Yesterday was cycle 6.

Two more to go.

These rounds are going quicker than the others but I feel like I'm not moving forward. Still so much to go through, and every thing seems to frustrate me. I'm getting obsessed with stupid little things because my world is confined to one place and I have nothing else to worry about or any plans to look forward to - at least not until this ends.

My dose got reduced to 80% now to prevent the numbness getting worse and I'm now on vitamin B6 to help with it too - another tablet to take.

Last week I lost my best friend. I know a lot of people don't understand the love some of us have for our little fury friends, but for some of us they are part of our family and their loss hurts as much as a family member. This brought me down to square one emotionally.








Baking is not bringing me particular joy as before. Tried crochet a few weeks ago but had to undo the whole thing as didn't fit properly. Now I'm trying it again but not doing well with the stitch count. Feel like giving up on it but I know I shouldn't. I should persist until I get it right. It's just my frustration taking the best of me.

Sleepless nights are probably not helping. Last night only managed to sleep at 3am and as always a very broken sleep - probably didn't help the fact that I slept most of yesterday during treatment and a nap when I got home. But that anti-histamine completely knocks me out.

M and me had a lovely date night and we completely forgot to take pictures of ourselves to remind us of the good times - what a fail!

"We must have perseverance and most of all confidence in ourselves"

P.x 

Five Rounds Down - Three To Go!

One week post new chemo.

So far so good. (ish) - Fingers crossed, people, fingers crossed!

Back to chemo day, I felt anxious, but not as anxious as last time. Not sure if the NLP (as explained on the last blog) helped or if I was just less anxious because I knew it would be different - I'm gonna go with both - We knew it would be a long one too so we took food and lots to "play with" - Yes, first time I managed to eat while having chemo and not feel sick (I did make an effort as I've decided that chemo wasn't taking the best of me) - Unfortunately or fortunately I slept through the whole thing - I did wake up to go toilet and eat I confess! -  But the pre-chemo drugs knocked me out completely, I could barely keep my eyes open. I felt sorry for M as he was "on his own" for a good part of it - He must love me! 💗- Four hours went by and I didn't feel sick! - Can you tell how big of a deal this is for me?

Day 2 post chemo started to feel the side effects. Woke up with numbness on my ring and little finger on my right hand - this can't be just it...last time started small and built up to a lot of symptoms.

Day 3 Oh THE numbness! That's what people were talking about. Mr Numb has taken over my hands, and feet, and I think perhaps some part of my legs... not quite sure, as now I don't feel much anyway... Do you know that weird feeling when you're holding hair clippers for a long time that your hand goes numb because of the vibration of it? That's exactly how my hands and feet feel all the time. Now, add a bit of fluid retention, mix it all in, and what do you get? Numb puffy feet! And now you ask: How are you supposed to walk? The answer is: With a smile on my face and a bunch of sarcastic smart answers. (Hunching, slowly, saying ouch for every other step - but smiling!)

Day 5 Think about all the things that I'm already feeling... - or not feeling, I haven't quite figured this out yet! - and add the injections that I cherish so much. Welcome ankle pain! Just because I knew you just wanted to make my life easier. Do you know what? I still don't care, because I'm not feeling sick - and getting high on codeine is a bit fun. 

Now talking seriously, give me all the pain instead of sickness and I'll be happy. I'm not moaning - much - about the pain, just sharing the experience. It's not easy, but it's easier. At least from my point of view. Typing is rather strange as the feeling under my fingers is something new to me. I'm sure that I'm losing the sense of smell a little too. Sleeping has been my nightmare. The night of day two I had to sleep on the living room sofa to get my own space and ended up sleeping on my front for 2 hours, in the most weird position, but having the front of my legs against something was the only way to rest them. The next day made myself go for a 50min walk (pain or no pain) to get myself tired and perhaps relax the muscles enough, and it did work! Slept a whole 5.30 hours. The pain on my feet the next day was the worst... but totally worth it for a nights sleep!
And because I was in so much pain the next day, I've decided to up the game on the painkillers - as I was barely taking any...I do avoid them like the plague - Paracetamol was taken before bed together with the codeine - hoping for a good night sleep - 5 hours in, I woke up in my own personal paddling pool. Never thought one lady could sweat so much. Through to the mattress, through the covers - couldn't even flip them - Panic mode on! Not sure if it was a stupidly hot flush or if I spiked temperature. Had no energy the whole day, but could be dehydration, however temperature maintained itself stable, so I'm still trying to find out what happened.

Wow, now that I put this in words, this has been quite an eventful week!

Today, I went back to the hospital again, this time for something fun and exciting. However my stomach didn't feel the same for a few moments. On the way there, M was driving - which makes my brain available to wonder and overthink - I had this feeling of sickness that went away as I got there. Anxiety, my old friend, you're such a powerful mind gamer.

Look Good, Feel Better - So I did! Pampering session for the baldies! I now know how to apply eyeshadow and blush - I'm a little proud of myself - and have a bag full of goodies worth approximately £200. Not bad at all for a Monday!

"There is no passion to be found in playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living."

P.x

Reality of The Brave

Back to reality!

We've had a week off. Disconnected from the world. No social media, no phone during the day, only turning on at night for a couple of hours of catching up with friends and family.
It was so so nice. I'd love to do it again.
Although the sun wasn't out much - not that I can lay on it anyway - we are slowly learning how to dance in the rain!

The week before we went to Broadstairs for a week away we had another check up with the oncologist. Turns out the MRI shows my breast is clear of the tumour, there's only the margins left to be removed by surgery. With this, my case was discussed in this meeting between oncologists and nurses and they all decided that I should have the initial planned chemo: 4 of EC + 4 of Paclitaxel, meaning that I will start a brand new chemo this week! Some would say these are bad news, I'd say they are good! Despite the fact they are only doing this because the survival rates are better with the combination of the two instead of giving me the 6 doses of the first one (reacting good or not) but to me it's a bit more than that: it's saying goodbye to all the gastric complications the other chemo was bringing me. I was living in my own personal hell and not coping with it anymore. NLP seems to be doing it's job now. The week before holiday, along with my regular counselling and reflexology session, I had something called NeuroLinguistic Programming. I was developing anxiety related to chemo as my mind was associating it to all the side effects going around my body, so YouCan (the charity that has been helping me) suggested I had something else to help me and I do think it's working - although I might have been a bit sceptic about it, now I think I believe a little bit.
Now I'll be getting ready to face new symptoms - they say it's not so much gastric but more aches and pains, and I think I'm ok with it. I do believe aches and pains are more easy to manage than sickness and the fact that I can't even drink when I'm thirsty. It might be a bit scary not knowing what's coming, and having to re-learn new symptoms and deal with them but I feel strong and ready to face them - as long as it's not sickness. (Can you tell how traumatised I am from it?)

The week off made me think of a couple of hobbies I want to have, but I'm still trying to plan them appropriately. Seeing that I still have a few months ahead of me with chemo, surgery and radiotherapy, I really need a hobby that keeps my mind off of things - and yes, knitting might be one of them, typical right? Jigsaw puzzles might be the other one - I seem to be quite obsessed about finishing them no matter how hard they are - M even said I get quite bossy, and I kinda do! But about that, I'll keep you posted - still open to suggestions though.

Some people say that times like this we just want to forget, to get over them and leave them behind.
I think that we should never forget. If we had this put in our path, it's because there's a reason, we should never forget it, never leave it behind, but embrace it and always remember how it made you feel. Times like this make you grow and take a different perspective on life, and for that reason I chose to make it eternal. Estelle Thompson Photography helped us with it. Her energy gave us the confidence to be brave in front of a camera and make a sad situation in our lives into a fun and beautiful moment that we can look back and say: we've made it. There's 120 pictures that are so awesome and I'll leave a couple for you to see. E was an absolute Angel that showed up in our lives. Thank you so so much!

And I know I've missed the 1st of the month but it's never late to check your boobies!! Today might make a difference.

"Instead of seeing the rug being pulled from under us, we can learn to dance on a shifting carpet"

P.x