Not been an easy last few days.
After struggling with what to do with my life on Thursday, and trying to find the positive things on a very cloudy day that I spent binge-watching Grey's Anatomy (I know.. I haven't finished the last season and that's unacceptable - I had a busy life before this...), and that didn't help that much apart from distracting me from my world, at least I was living someone else's drama.
Jumped into a Friday full of appointments and barely had time to breathe. Morning had what I thought it would be my last scan before Monday but the follicles had been a bit lazy the day before and not grown as expected, so got booked another ultrasound scan for the next morning (after we just drove for 45 minutes) to see if they would have improved by then. (08:30 on a Saturday morning - I can definitely say that we weren't very impressed specially M that worked most of the week) I didn't get very hopeful and started thinking if all this suffering would be a waste but Matt as always had positive words for me.
Later that day we went back to the breast unit for my breast scan and insertion of a coil inside the tumour, but because the CT scan showed a distended lymph node on my neck, another biopsy needed to be done. And so I lied there whilst being poked again with needles and scalpels (because my skin is too young apparently and difficult to penetrate a needle, they always end up making a small incision prior to the needle) but this time my little lymph node didn't like being disturbed so the doctor had to press on my skin with the ultrasound machine to "hold" the bastard to be able to perforate it.
Tears rolled down my face as that experience was so alike the first day I was in that room. I wished no one noticed but the very caring technician that was with me held me tissues and my hand. M's face was suffering for me too, he could see the efforts of the doctor and all the faces I was making with the discomfort of the whole situation. (Needless to say that now I feel a massive bruise underneath my skin and it's painful to turn my neck and had an allergic reaction to the dressing😢)
As if that wasn't enough the anesthetic inside the tumour didn't work so I felt exactly where the coil was being pushed in and it kept stinging for a good hour after it.
That day I just wanted to stay home the rest of the evening, but bowling was a way of proving myself that I could still have a normal life - And I can't.
I'm going through so much and I just wanted to have a little bit of fun and distraction. But I can't because my body is not letting me. My body is crying for help. And just to top up that day, my car run out of battery at the bowling car park! Great! It turned out to be that someone 😏left the lights on...
So when do the good news and good days begin???
Not on Saturday - well perhaps for a few hours - After the scan we were told that this hormone nightmare will end on Monday - Hurrah - meaning that I'd have to have a boost of the - already huge dose - injection as soon as I got home.
Estrogen is a horrible horrible thing. Sometimes I wish I could be a man. The side effects of this injection doubled on me yesterday. Sickness was the worst, but adding to pain in my ovaries and bloatedness that I've been having all week, pain on my neck and breast from the day before, the fear of chemo making me feel 100 times worse than this made me panic.
Shaking, crying, sobbing, completely out of control was how M found me on the bathroom floor.
I wanted to be sick but I wasn't able to, and that was making me feel worse physically and emotionally. I just wanted it to end. Tried 111 to get a prescription for anti-sickness but no luck, the triage guy was probably thinking I had appendicitis, perforated bowel or diabetes with all my symptoms, so ended up putting my case through a GP on call, that eventually took way to long to phone back.
Hospital it is then! One IV cyclizine later was feeling better to come home to eat and drink again.
Today the sickness was slightly under control, not been able to eat a lot, but at least drunk enough. I still feel sick but it's bearable. I'm extremely tired, got aches and pains everywhere, felt frustration about ridiculous things and felt at the verge of crying but M could see the ridiculous of it and start laughing, which made me feel stupid for tearing about it. First world dramas😅.
Tomorrow these little me's are coming out and hopefully will start feeling a bit normal again - well probably only after the sedation effects go away (could do with some quality sleep right now).
P.x
After struggling with what to do with my life on Thursday, and trying to find the positive things on a very cloudy day that I spent binge-watching Grey's Anatomy (I know.. I haven't finished the last season and that's unacceptable - I had a busy life before this...), and that didn't help that much apart from distracting me from my world, at least I was living someone else's drama.
Jumped into a Friday full of appointments and barely had time to breathe. Morning had what I thought it would be my last scan before Monday but the follicles had been a bit lazy the day before and not grown as expected, so got booked another ultrasound scan for the next morning (after we just drove for 45 minutes) to see if they would have improved by then. (08:30 on a Saturday morning - I can definitely say that we weren't very impressed specially M that worked most of the week) I didn't get very hopeful and started thinking if all this suffering would be a waste but Matt as always had positive words for me.
Later that day we went back to the breast unit for my breast scan and insertion of a coil inside the tumour, but because the CT scan showed a distended lymph node on my neck, another biopsy needed to be done. And so I lied there whilst being poked again with needles and scalpels (because my skin is too young apparently and difficult to penetrate a needle, they always end up making a small incision prior to the needle) but this time my little lymph node didn't like being disturbed so the doctor had to press on my skin with the ultrasound machine to "hold" the bastard to be able to perforate it.
Tears rolled down my face as that experience was so alike the first day I was in that room. I wished no one noticed but the very caring technician that was with me held me tissues and my hand. M's face was suffering for me too, he could see the efforts of the doctor and all the faces I was making with the discomfort of the whole situation. (Needless to say that now I feel a massive bruise underneath my skin and it's painful to turn my neck and had an allergic reaction to the dressing😢)
As if that wasn't enough the anesthetic inside the tumour didn't work so I felt exactly where the coil was being pushed in and it kept stinging for a good hour after it.
That day I just wanted to stay home the rest of the evening, but bowling was a way of proving myself that I could still have a normal life - And I can't.
I'm going through so much and I just wanted to have a little bit of fun and distraction. But I can't because my body is not letting me. My body is crying for help. And just to top up that day, my car run out of battery at the bowling car park! Great! It turned out to be that someone 😏left the lights on...
So when do the good news and good days begin???
Not on Saturday - well perhaps for a few hours - After the scan we were told that this hormone nightmare will end on Monday - Hurrah - meaning that I'd have to have a boost of the - already huge dose - injection as soon as I got home.
Estrogen is a horrible horrible thing. Sometimes I wish I could be a man. The side effects of this injection doubled on me yesterday. Sickness was the worst, but adding to pain in my ovaries and bloatedness that I've been having all week, pain on my neck and breast from the day before, the fear of chemo making me feel 100 times worse than this made me panic.
Shaking, crying, sobbing, completely out of control was how M found me on the bathroom floor.
I wanted to be sick but I wasn't able to, and that was making me feel worse physically and emotionally. I just wanted it to end. Tried 111 to get a prescription for anti-sickness but no luck, the triage guy was probably thinking I had appendicitis, perforated bowel or diabetes with all my symptoms, so ended up putting my case through a GP on call, that eventually took way to long to phone back.
Hospital it is then! One IV cyclizine later was feeling better to come home to eat and drink again.
Today the sickness was slightly under control, not been able to eat a lot, but at least drunk enough. I still feel sick but it's bearable. I'm extremely tired, got aches and pains everywhere, felt frustration about ridiculous things and felt at the verge of crying but M could see the ridiculous of it and start laughing, which made me feel stupid for tearing about it. First world dramas😅.
Tomorrow these little me's are coming out and hopefully will start feeling a bit normal again - well probably only after the sedation effects go away (could do with some quality sleep right now).
"Fairy tales are more than true: not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
P.x
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